potty training

this morning, H declared she wanted to wear big girl unders (that's what we call them, to avoid the over-sexualized term 'panties' that no dad or grandpa or man is ever really comfortable asking their little girl to pull down...), and since we're hanging at home, for the morning at least, i agreed. just 5 minutes ago, H yells, "i've gotta go potty!" as a little puddle is forming at the bottom of her leg. but she ran to the toilet, and used it - she managed to stop her flow, hold it as she went to the bathroom, and release it in the proper place! I know this sounds silly to communicate, but I have learned over the last 12 months, that kids will do this themselves. Or at least my kid. I have felt pressure since H was 18 months old to train her - 'she's ready, just do it!' but no matter the effort I put into it, it hasn't mattered, she wasn't willing to put in the equal effort, and it always stalled. I read something once somewhere that was so great, especially when I realized that my child had turned 19 months old and wasn't trained. It said that your child is prepared to train at a specific time. Let's say 3 years old. You can start training her at 18 months, or 2 years, or 2 3/4, but she will not be completely sucessful until her internal clock that was set in utero, clicks on. Basically, parents, do you want to be fighting training for 18 months, or 1 week? It's not about your method, it's about your individual, unique, specially designed child.
So, today, H showed me she knew how to hold and release. Does this mean she'll train herself this week? this month? before preschool starts in the fall? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care - because when it does happen, it is something she can be proud of and know that she really did it "all by herself."

if anybody reading this has money to spare.....

i.

want.

First due date of spring

Today is the first of 2 due dates I will not be delivering babies on this year. This is the due date of the child I miscarried in July- the one we haven't named and I feel guilt about every time I let myself think about. I am in California this week and today (or rather when I wake up later today) may be difficult. So, by the power invested in me by being honest in a blog- I hereby promise myself that if I need to get up and excuse myself at any point tomorrow, I am allowed and I will not worry about other peoples reactions. My in-laws may think I'm being funny (weird) but that's okay. Tomorrow/today is all about self care. Wish me luck!

Sent from my iPhone

ew. (and kinda long)

we have mice. that's plural. and gross. and i'm so flipping freaked out by it i can barely type 2 letters before i swat at myself, thinking i feel something crawling on me. omg

here's the story: 2ish weeks ago, h is sitting in her chair at the table eatting breakfast, and i'm doing dishes. because i'm clean like that! and she says, 'a mouse mommy! look!' and i swear to god i see something black in my periphreal (how the h do you spell that d*** word ?!?) so, i do what any other excellent mother of the year would do in my situation (when her hubster is in the back room) and i run to the table, put h on top (mommy, i no want to stand on the table! deal with it!) jump up on a chair and scream
JAMES!
to which he comes running, and asking what is going on, decides to laugh at us and then, like the good man he is, procedes to pull out all the appliances and look behind them. nothing. no mouse. we determine that h is a bit looney - or watching too much tv with 2 parents in school - and the mouse was not real. even though i saw something in my p-word vision.....

h doesn't let it go, though. later that afternoon, she is literally on her belly on the kitchen floor with a flashlight hunting under the cabinets for this GD mouse. so, i go a little crazy, and send james out for a trap. which he sets. and 20 minutes after it's set it goes off. we've caught a mouse. in my kitchen. my clean no crumbs for a mouse to live off of immaculate kitchen.
omg.
but we're done. it's caught, and i'm fine. til the next day i hear strange noises coming from the kitchen. sh**, seriously? i'm going mental now for real, and i make james set another trap. for 4 days i'm hearing this seriously creepy sound coming from the kitchen and i'm losing weight because i'm not hanging out near the pantry. james thinks i'm crazy, but on afternoon 4, he sees the noisemaker scurry across the kitchen, so he sets a different kind of trap (oh i should have said with the 1st, we used a no kill trap and james released him into the back brush. this no kill kind didn't suffice for mangy creeper #2 so we used a sticky trap). #2 finally got its tail stuck and ran the f around the kitchen clanking away for james to chase and eventually trap under a recycle can and scoot outside. yeah! the mice are gone!!
i come back from a retreat the weekend before last, and on monday evening i put a frozen food box in the trash. big deal, right? only in the morning, when i went to put a yogurt cup in the trash there were what looked like mouse droppings in the GD frozen food box from the night before. i was leaving for chicago, and told james about this. while i was gone, he said he heard a noise, and took out the trash with something moving in it. freakin 3 mice people. in my clean home on the 2nd story of an apartment complex!!!!!!
why am i spending all this time telling you this story? well, because this afternoon, while doing the dishes, i found a new mouse trail ON MY COUNTER! WTF???!? i'm totally spazzing out. i now think they must enter from our pot smoking community college neighbors unit and find they only have beer and stale chips, so they venture to our place, but we're clean, and we don't leave food around, or on the floor, or on the counter, or anything - especially after finding #1 2 weeks ago. i don't know what they're getting into, where they're staying, when they come out, i'm flipping freaked the f*** out like they're going to come out of the shower drain while i'm taking a bath or climb into bed with me and nibble at my toenails (but i'm taking precautions - i'm sleeping in socks with my pants tucked into them and a turtleneck. oh, and with my bra on and shoes right next to the bed so i can get outside real quick and not be flap happy while escaping the 4 ounce creepers from who the F knows where as they try to invade and take over my home and family. h's bedroom door is kept safe with draft snake so they can't eat her fingerpads off while she sleeps).
so, anyone have any tips on keeping them out of our 2nd story, clean apartment, please let me know. i'm about 10 hours from calling management of this place to have an exterminator out. so sick. ew.ew.ew.ew.ew

the artist known as hazel

she just L.O.V.E.S painting and making "projects" as she calls it :) we recently began letting her use watercolors in the kitchen, and i can barely get in there to do the dishes since she always shoos me away saying, "i need privacy for my project mommy. you can't come in here right now" sheesh!

homemade potty training book

pull-ups cost 32-45 cents each! and i, for one, am totally done with my child being only half interested in using the toilet, and not interested in sitting still for a diaper change. so, i made this potty training book, with her imput, and i'll let you all know how it works. my hope is that the $40 i spent on pull-ups today is the last money i spend on diapering products for this child!

hazel and i went to target today, and she choose this notebook herself for the potty training book.

here is a pencil pouch with all the stickers hazel choose for herself at the store, all cut into 1ish inch sticker bunches (roughly 2-4 stickers a piece).

rules of the potty book: 10 squares (frames) to decorate with stickers. when all 10 are decorated, hazel gets to lift the tag and reveal her super surprise!

this surprise is a popsicle! this keeps us from buying 3 bags of m&m's a week, since mom and dad seem to eat them all after bedtime and have to sontinually replenish the supply! sometimes the surprise is a lollipop, or an ice cream date with daddy, a steamed milk trip with mommy, or a $3 train ride at the park.

here's hoping i have good results!!!

baby shower tea party

it took me a while to figure out how to get these pictures from my phone to the computer, but here are some images from the spread i helped make for a dear friends baby shower. i made 4 kinds of tea sandwiches, and my dad supplied the depression era glass serving dishes and tea sets, as well as the rose bud china. it really turned out lovely, if i do say so myself (and the sandwiches were de.lish.ous!)

valentines

hazel isn't really in a place where she needs to give valentines, yet. but when i saw these i completely knew they were irresistable! plus, i can print as many as i want for EVER - meaning, preschool and early elementary years are all done!

anyway, since she doesn't have a reason to give these, i decided to make little bundles for each of the families hazel sees most from church, since we'll be at church on v-day. each valentine contains 12 cards printed on cardstock to color, and 3 crayons. i also used happytape to decorate the envelopes (since i only had 3 to decorate!)

i am real proud of myself for this :)

angry day

today i had an angry day. it's okay, since i'm aware of what my anger means and that it is signaling other emotions to the forefront to be dealt with, and with which i am dealing but not in my blog because they're mine, and all ya'll readers probally have your own emotions to claim and honor. but man, i let it all get to me.

first, something that i knew might happen, did, and i wasn't as prepared for it as i expected myself to be. you know the feeling? like, you know a moment will occur, and it will be awkward and so you prepare for it emotionally, but when it actually happens, you get overwhelmed and, like, cry? yea. way to start the day, liz.

then, james wanted to take the car through the car wash, which is fine. but when he does that, he always wants to vacuum it out afterwards. that's fine, too - but today, after the above mentioned awkward morning, i really didn't want the loud noise of the vacuum in my day, so i said no - we could wash the car, but please, let's vacuum it tomorrow. he didn't get it, and i needed control of something so bad i made it a huge rediculous battle of who cares for the other more, and anyway, we vacuumed the f**king car and i was even more angry.

and tonight, i had a strange parenting struggle with a friend that, because of my angry day, made me feel like somehow, i'm a really horrible parent and i started noticing how no one we leave hazel with has left their kids with us. seriously? now i'm more angry. aren't we good parents? hazel is so polite, and she stays in time out, and she cleans up after herself, and she is always smiling and laughing. isn't that a sign of good parenting? a healthy, differentiated as much as acceptable for a two year old child? is it so bad that i don't coddle my child, protect her from ever getting pushed or shoved or her feelings hurt? that i provide opportunities for her to know how to explore her feelings without caging her from fear or anxiety?

it's days like these where i feel like just picking up my shit and moving far, far away and starting fresh. you know? lousy angry day.

burberry inspired knit cowl

i knit this over the last few days - here's the free pattern if you'd like it. super easy - just stockinette with a random cable twist every 12 rows or so. doesn't the yarn have a beautiful colorway? one of the blogger ladies i follow has a cool project going here where she cast on 220 st where she garter stitches her leftover yarn. it is making a yummy throw/lap afgan, and i've decided to follow suit (only i may add a hint of flavor to the stitches, since i don't love garter stitch). more to follow with that, but now, to cast on an adorable cowl in self striping yarn for hazel - isn't a cowl for a toddler a great idea for keeping the neck warm and the cold out? they can't easily pull an end and leave it on the playground!

like facebook status' for keeps

This book is great (and on back order - boo hoo!). It has space on each page for 5 years of entries. For example, the January 29th page has 5 spaces to enter something from your day in 2010, 2011, 2012.... you get the idea. So, as your years move on, you can look back and see patterns or recall misplaced memories from what you previously put on the page. I love the idea for many reasons, but one major one is that what mother has time to journal, and don't we always have great things to share? Think about Facebook status's - little memories and ideas that have meaning. I love this book - and if it doesn't get off back order soon, I might just make my own!

boots

I have been looking for the perfect boots for the last 5 years and lo - here they are.

and i bought them. for three hundred dollars. seriously. i can die now.

edit: these just came in the mail, and they were not worthy of the praise i gave them. i am sad. i thought i had found the ones......
now to bellevue to return them :( sigh.

woah....

this is incredible.

etsy tortures me in many ways, but this one tore me up.

happy tape

seriously people - i almost died when i saw this stuff in martha's magazine last month, and this morning i finally got over to their site. WOW! SO COOL! one of my fave things it wrapping presents and making cards. this stuff would be perfect! and the best part is - it's WAY less expensive than ribbon ($6 for 50 feet instead of $4 for 8 feet!). i'll let you know when i finally get some and how i use it!

anthropologie

i went shopping at the new bellevue anthropologie location tonight. here's what i got (+ a pair of tights):

LOVE THAT STORE! seriously - every thing i tried on fit beautifully and made me feel so chic and glam. therefore, one of my new years resolutions is to buy one (clothing) item from this store each month this year. enhance my wardrobe with things that make me feel beautiful, since my presonal trend it to care for myself more when i feel pretty (iow - i eat more crap when i look/feel like crap. who wants to eat doritos in this dress? a nice cup of lentil soup with a side salad sounds much better, thank you!)

a new year is near.....

and thank god for that! we are ready to move on out of 2009, and hopefully 2010 will be nice and mellow - meaning no high highs or low lows. james says one of his resolutions is going to be learning how to forgive more easily. one of mine is going to be learning how to feel thankful more easily.

i may or may not have mentioned this before, but i don't like clutter. james and i particularly favor the stark, danish modern asthetic of minimalism/bohemian, ethnic accents - but you would not know that by visiting our house. part of it is that we don't have a house, we have an apartment, and it's hard to hide things well in a smaller space. another part is that hazel has stuff she likes to use (duh) and toddlers notoriously leave their stuff all over. i am trying to remedy this in a couple of ways for the new year. one way is by getting rid of a ton of stuff that is completely unnecessary (we don't have a baby, why do we need a box full of pacifiers hazel didn't even use? seriously, if/when the time comes, i can get more then). another way is this:

i, somewhat lamely, realized that we have 2 linen closets in this apartment - one of which is at the end of our hall. so, in my new years resolution attempt to keep my home clutter (and toddler strewn toy) free, i have made this closet the toy closet. hazel's rule has, for the most part, been play with a toy, when you're done, put it away, play with another toy. but recently, her toys have gotten messier (it was a duplo christmas if you know what i mean) and 1 toy doesn't seem to equal 1 doll - it's 1 whole 15 piece doctor's kit, or 1 whole box of crayons and a coloring book. and, as many of you understand, toddlers attention spans typically are shorter than a fly's memory and soon you are tripping over duplos, crayons, and stethescopes all on the same floor. sigh.

so, here is my attempt at restoring order. there is a strategically placed toddler doorknob lock (which thankfully hazel still hasn't mastered the art of geting past yet!) on this toy closet door. if she wants a new toy to play with, she has to pick up the previous toy - and she can't get a new one until i open the door to get it for her. yes, i understand this might relate into me getting off my butt every 4 1/2 minutes to get a new toy out, but it also might foster an enjoyment in playing with something for hazel that many kids surrounded by multiple toys all the time can't create. have you ever seen kids in nurserys with toddler ADD running from toy to toy so scared they might not be able to play with them all if they don't play with them all at the same time? hopefully this will result is real imagination time with dolls or blocks, or complete pictures drawn with crayons.......

so, think it'll work? i hope so. next pre-new-years-step is to seriously kick the study/office's butt into submission so both james and i feel comfortable getting our stuff done in there. that room is a manly mess. here i go!

what does the word done mean anyway?

sunday the 13th is the day we went to the hospital to deliver ian, and it was the day he was delivered. monday the 14th was the day we thought i delivered the placenta, but opps - my body wasn't done. it waited for 3 days of recovery until it choose to let us know it was even still there, and not going to miraculously reenter my system and disappear. thanks! so, thursday night i barely slept due to discomfort, and friday the 18th, i had a d&c to remove it (evidently my placenta changed its mind midway and tried to hide again, but we knew it was there and couldn't stay hidden forever!). so this post is to ask, what did i mean when i thought i was 'done'? i suppose i meant physically, since i know the emotional part of this is going to be difficult and long lasting. i regularly think about how fast i have recouperated, physically, from any issues i've had, and realize i'm lucky, and many people have just one physical issue that turns into a life long nightmare. the fact that i am feeling relatively fine just 3 days after a surgical procedure is pretty amazing. i guess i just need to tell my mind to stop complaining. i mean, is there anything else that could happen as a result of the events of last week? i dunno, but i'm not going to say i'm done........

whadda ya think?

when noah died, james went out and bought me my first piece of tiffany jewelry. this locket. we put noah's footprints in it. as i was browsing etsy this evening, i ran across this stamped disc, and thought, wouldn't it look nice with ian's name hanging on the same chain as noah's prints? and what about a tiny pearl drop to symbolize the miscarriage i had before ian? hmm..... it seems like i might be in the market for a christmas gift for myself........

Dear Ian Joseph,

your delivery story goes like this. sunday december 13th, your dad and i went into overlake hospital's childbirth center. dr spence gave me a drug specific to this type of delivery that helped my uterus to contract and my cervix to dialate at 9:30 in the morning. i did not feel pain, just discomfort as i began to have uterine cramps. dr spence gave me a gift of a pewter coin with an angel carved into it to hold in my hand for comfort. the nurses we had, heather, and bonnie, were so loving and helpful and, since they did not have to monitor your wellbeing, they let your dad and i relax and watch a bunch of arrested development episodes on the tv. dr spence came around fairly often, and hung out with dad and i - she's really cool, and a good friend to our family, and every 4 hours she she'd give me another dose of the induction medicine. around 6:30pm, i was getting fairly uncomfortable, so i let my nurse heather give me 2 mg of morphine. that stuff is intense, but it helped me relax. i was due to get another dose of induction medicine at 9:30pm, but at 9:15, you spontaneously arrived, when dr spence had gone home and the nurses were not in the room. i called to your dad to get them, and bonnie came and removed you from the room to clean you up. dr spence rushed back, and we tried to deliver the placenta, but my cervix had reclosed itself, so i got another dose of induction medicine, as well as morphine, and waited. in the meantime, bonnie and dr spence cleaned and examined you. your dad was sad, so he left the room so i could see you again (i accidently saw you when you were just delivered). bonnie brought you in to me wrapped up in this blanket.you were so tiny, and i was so sad to see you not breathing that i didn't hold you long - only about 30 seconds. long enough to see your tiny toes, and your tiny fingers. long enough to see your cheeks and eyelids, and little ribcage peeking out from under your skin. you were so tiny. 5 1/2 inches tall, and 1.6 ounces. your cord was wrapped around your neck fairly tight. i think that's what made me uncomfortable, so i said thank you to god for letting me hold you, like i couldn't do with your siblings, said goodbye to you, and handed you back to bonnie.

at 1am, i finished delivering the placenta, and your dad and i slept until 8:30am, with hourly interuptions from bonnie to check my temperature and blood pressure. the hospital gave us a memory box with your blanket in it, as well as a few cards with your prints on them. here are your tiny foot, toe, and hand prints.at 11am, dr spence had us discharged, and your dad and i went to the church to meet pr katy. she had a nice long chat with us, and we held a liturgy thanking god for you, asking god to be with us in our greiving, and to care for you. pr katy annointed my hands that held you, and your dad's hands that will hold you eventually. we cried, and we mourned not being able to watch you grow up. we believe that you are happy, playing with your brother noah, your friend gabriel habostad, and your other sibling. we can't wait to see you again, and hold you close in our hearts until that happens. we love you Ian, SO much.

Love, mom

tomorrow

this is how 'tall' my baby will be when/if i get to see him or her tomorrow. the length of a ballpoint pen. i have not begun processing. it has been a very busy month, and we have had the spend the last few days preparing multiple other things for what is to come. i may or may not blog to process - james has asked that i do, but i don't know yet. but as for this minute, i know that hazel has a great place to stay and enjoy the next day or 2, we have insurance, so we won't have to pay out of pocket hospital expenses, and this is going to happen tomorrow. which begins in a few hours. which is probally why i'm starting to get anxious, not knowing what is really going to happen. i don't know if i will have to dialate completely, if the baby will be 'pleasant' to look at, if i will tear, if i will lactate, or if i will suddenly get overwhelmed by it all and either panic and push myself too hard, or completely give up trying. i don't know if i will be able to allow myself to feel anything, or if i will put on a face for the nurses. like i said, i have not been processing, i have been avoiding, and i think i like it here.....

however, we have chosen names. and if appropriate, we will take pictures. we weren't allowed to see noah, and i still really struggle with his death because i didn't feel closure. i would not say i was a visual person, in that i need to see something to believe it, but my miscarriage this summer was a really healthy and healing experience of grief and closure. i actually hope that by delivering this child, we will have a better chance at that type of closure. it would be wonderful to have closure as beautiful as this:

i mean, we could - the size of a sweet potato, the crown to rump length of a ballpoint pen.....