first, something that i knew might happen, did, and i wasn't as prepared for it as i expected myself to be. you know the feeling? like, you know a moment will occur, and it will be awkward and so you prepare for it emotionally, but when it actually happens, you get overwhelmed and, like, cry? yea. way to start the day, liz.
then, james wanted to take the car through the car wash, which is fine. but when he does that, he always wants to vacuum it out afterwards. that's fine, too - but today, after the above mentioned awkward morning, i really didn't want the loud noise of the vacuum in my day, so i said no - we could wash the car, but please, let's vacuum it tomorrow. he didn't get it, and i needed control of something so bad i made it a huge rediculous battle of who cares for the other more, and anyway, we vacuumed the f**king car and i was even more angry.
and tonight, i had a strange parenting struggle with a friend that, because of my angry day, made me feel like somehow, i'm a really horrible parent and i started noticing how no one we leave hazel with has left their kids with us. seriously? now i'm more angry. aren't we good parents? hazel is so polite, and she stays in time out, and she cleans up after herself, and she is always smiling and laughing. isn't that a sign of good parenting? a healthy, differentiated as much as acceptable for a two year old child? is it so bad that i don't coddle my child, protect her from ever getting pushed or shoved or her feelings hurt? that i provide opportunities for her to know how to explore her feelings without caging her from fear or anxiety?
it's days like these where i feel like just picking up my shit and moving far, far away and starting fresh. you know? lousy angry day.