i've been doing a lot of thinking recently about my life and where it's been, where it's going. especially since james is turning 30 in a few months, i am feeling like there is a clock ticking away close by that should be telling me something, but i just can't figure out what it is. i am happy. i am lucky to be loved, cared for, appreciated.... i am lucky to be a SAHM with hazel, and to have friends who also can SAH to have playdates with us. i am lucky my husband and i communicate well and try to make decisions together. i am happy with our choices, though they may sometimes frusterate me, i believe in them and support them. i don't know what's missing.
maybe someday i will go back to school. maybe someday i will have more children. maybe someday i will be back in a place where i can paint my bedroom walls every 3 months if i so choose. but i don't want any of those now - they wouldn't feel right - so what's this clock ticking about?
i get frusterated because my days go equally by slowly and too fast. i get frusterated because no matter how much time i spend playing with hazel, i want to read more and no matter how much time i read i want to play with her more. i feel like i neglect my cats. i feel like i don't appreciate myself enough to care about my person. i am disappointed that i don't enjoy cooking as much as i used to because it's too time comsuming and toddlers aren't fun for me in the kitchen.
i don't know what it is that is trying to work its way out for me. i'm feeling unsatiable - satisfied with life the way it is, but maybe it's missing a trivial but major ingredient, like salt......