Monday, January 12, 2009

thinking.....

i've been doing a lot of thinking recently about my life and where it's been, where it's going. especially since james is turning 30 in a few months, i am feeling like there is a clock ticking away close by that should be telling me something, but i just can't figure out what it is. i am happy. i am lucky to be loved, cared for, appreciated.... i am lucky to be a SAHM with hazel, and to have friends who also can SAH to have playdates with us. i am lucky my husband and i communicate well and try to make decisions together. i am happy with our choices, though they may sometimes frusterate me, i believe in them and support them. i don't know what's missing.

maybe someday i will go back to school. maybe someday i will have more children. maybe someday i will be back in a place where i can paint my bedroom walls every 3 months if i so choose. but i don't want any of those now - they wouldn't feel right - so what's this clock ticking about?

i get frusterated because my days go equally by slowly and too fast. i get frusterated because no matter how much time i spend playing with hazel, i want to read more and no matter how much time i read i want to play with her more. i feel like i neglect my cats. i feel like i don't appreciate myself enough to care about my person. i am disappointed that i don't enjoy cooking as much as i used to because it's too time comsuming and toddlers aren't fun for me in the kitchen.

i don't know what it is that is trying to work its way out for me. i'm feeling unsatiable - satisfied with life the way it is, but maybe it's missing a trivial but major ingredient, like salt......

2 comments:

Kathy Slattengren said...

I love the way you describe this feeling of something missing. After reaching a number of major goals (finishing college, starting a family, ...), I was also looking for something more. For me it was figuring out what my bigger purpose was in helping improve the world ... and then finding the courage to do it.

Hazel's Mommie (aka liz) said...

thanks Kathy - it's a difficult place to be when you feel like life is moving faster than you would like. I wouldn't say I feel left behind - my experiences are generally pleasant, but I do feel like whatever step I choose to take next is going to be big, and I don't want to make a mistake, miss a chance, squander an opportunity because I am being blinded by time!