Friday, May 28, 2010
basically, i am good at compartmentalizing my life into its little foci areas and generally they don't interfere with the others.
but today, this friday, i am getting all twisted up with my priorities. i've got 3 final papers due in the next 6 days, h's birthday party is getting planned in my head (which is way more fun), and as of yesterday evening, we are officially moving in 12 days. across the parking lot, mind you - simply to another identical apartment to the one we're in now to officially forfeit our battle with mice (and let the mgmt team begin their own rodent battle in our absence). the new place is literally 100 yds away, so we don't really have to pack anything - just walk it all across the street in laundry hampers and wagons. but here's the rub:
i'm actually excited.
i am a strange person, and i love moving. not the 'beg your friends to lend a hand' part, or the 'change your address all over again' part. i love the fresh slate, organized home, chucking the accumulated trash, re-evaluating what you have, built-in opportunity for change, and even the actions of packing and unpacking. i even love the actual picking up of the boxes and furniture and literally 'moving' things part (if i have someone to watch h, i like to help others move for this very reason).
but i can't let myself slip into this particular pleasure zone because i've got 3 papers to write first!!!
mantra for the next 6 days......i think i can i think i can i think i can.....
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
- read 75 pages of Moe-Lobeda's "Public Church"
- write History of the Reformation "So What" paper - 5-7 pages
- write Christian Ethics Case Study Moral Deliberation paper - 5-7 pages
- write Christian Sexuality "Toward a Renewed Theology of Human Sexuality" paper - 5-7 pages
- care for my child
- care for my house
- care for my spouse (though this one could be a to-list casualty, to be honest)
- go to four 3-hr classes
there are calendar obligations, as well - like a personel meeting at church, watching H's friend for a few hours this afternoon, J's classes, etc. i guess this doesn't look so bad.... though i must admit, my list includes things that i can redily check off and feel accomplished. things such as:
- take a shower (i know - as a mom, i'm lucky this happens once a week before classes!)
- put shoes away
- make coffee
- brush teeth
- eat breakfast
- make lunch for H
- be pretty (a new suggestion for the list which i think i like!).......
you get the idea :)
wish me luck! i intend to post a blog about the things i intend to do on my downtime before my summer class starts in july - but it is intentionally left off the to-do list because i'll actually do it before anything else if it's there!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Cookies for breakfast? Yes!
2 movies? Yes!
Popcorn and my very own soda at said movies? Yes!
Crackers in bed? Yes!
Stay up late? Yes!
get the idea?! So, why am I having a Yes Day tomorrow? Because it is the day I was supposed to give birth to a beautiful, healthy, screaming, living baby boy, and I don't get to. So, whatever else I want tomorrow, I will get.
Sounds pretty good, right? Although, I must admit, I will put a cap on some things - like, I can't say yes to going out and buying a house, or spending the day at Nordstroms with a personal shopper, or the like. My possibilities include the likes of a pair of new coveted shoes, or a massage. Possibly a manicure, or a solo movie. Anything I crave to eat, I will say yes to with no guilt. I may even stay in bed all day and ask to be catered to, or simply left alone. I will likely take a long hot shower all by myself, and I will probably not ask to put H down for her nap or bedtime - I'll leave that to J.
The other upside to this Yes Day is two-fold: I could be redily distracted from pain and sorrow by joyful, foolish abundance for one. For two, I am completely at a loss as to what I may want to do, so I can't plan it like I typically enjoy doing. At this point, I feel available to the idea of a bit of solo shopping/browsing and a possible massage, but last week all I could think about possibly looking forward to was staying under the covers all day long with the door closed and the TV set to Bravo reality reruns. I guess the Yes Day gives me the opportunity to wallow if need be, or distract if that need be....
Anyhow, I will update on thursday the results/effect of my Yes Day later in the week for those of you who may be interested. But until then, please keep my family and me in your prayers... as fun as this may be, it is more than likely going to suck.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I feel as though I'm preparing for some lovely and wonderful things, and my days are happy. New friends, old friends, family, spring, education and amazing brain strengthening, heart and spirit development- all these things bring me joy and delight.
Yet I am being pulled toward a depression I haven't experienced- and am unwilling to fall prey to, but the current is strong. I can't do it all, I certianly can't feel it all, and somehow I must find the ability to relinquish control without gravity waiting to pull me deep. I've done it before, and I have known the capability. I was saddened and broken by Noahs death, and there were days I let myself feel
As Ians due date approaches in these next 2 weeks, I find myself fighting the desire to do nothing and ignore my responsibities. I am striving to find the balance I had with greiving before, and I have a care plan set up for the month of May to help. But even now that we have a plan and a strong trust in medical salvation for future pregnancies, I still feel an ache so thick it's suffocating. The control has been taken from me- by class requirements, by scheduling drama- and I find myself trapped by a choice I can't make, baby or school, that I couldn't make if I choose to! I have never had control of such things, and I shouldn't, though the desire to force hands to meet my needs is terrifyingly strong. I fear my reaction to a wanted pregnancy when I learn the duedate negates travel for deaconess events or sparsely offered yet required classes. The point of this ramble is to remind myself it's not my choice. I am young and safe and flexible. I can sucessfully balance baby-family-school-life. I know this and I trust my knowledge. But I still ache for the normalcy so many people show with controlling the schedule of their lives to a forseen benefit ascribed to them by themselves. Waiting for Gods revelation in my life is agonizing when the crossroads meet.