Saturday, May 1, 2010


I'm at a point where I am unclear in how I want the future to unfold.
I feel as though I'm preparing for some lovely and wonderful things, and my days are happy. New friends, old friends, family, spring, education and amazing brain strengthening, heart and spirit development- all these things bring me joy and delight.
Yet I am being pulled toward a depression I haven't experienced- and am unwilling to fall prey to, but the current is strong. I can't do it all, I certianly can't feel it all, and somehow I must find the ability to relinquish control without gravity waiting to pull me deep. I've done it before, and I have known the capability. I was saddened and broken by Noahs death, and there were days I let myself feel
and greif.
As Ians due date approaches in these next 2 weeks, I find myself fighting the desire to do nothing and ignore my responsibities. I am striving to find the balance I had with greiving before, and I have a care plan set up for the month of May to help. But even now that we have a plan and a strong trust in medical salvation for future pregnancies, I still feel an ache so thick it's suffocating. The control has been taken from me- by class requirements, by scheduling drama- and I find myself trapped by a choice I can't make, baby or school, that I couldn't make if I choose to! I have never had control of such things, and I shouldn't, though the desire to force hands to meet my needs is terrifyingly strong. I fear my reaction to a wanted pregnancy when I learn the duedate negates travel for deaconess events or sparsely offered yet required classes. The point of this ramble is to remind myself it's not my choice. I am young and safe and flexible. I can sucessfully balance baby-family-school-life. I know this and I trust my knowledge. But I still ache for the normalcy so many people show with controlling the schedule of their lives to a forseen benefit ascribed to them by themselves. Waiting for Gods revelation in my life is agonizing when the crossroads meet.

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