Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Dear Ian Joseph,

your delivery story goes like this. sunday december 13th, your dad and i went into overlake hospital's childbirth center. dr spence gave me a drug specific to this type of delivery that helped my uterus to contract and my cervix to dialate at 9:30 in the morning. i did not feel pain, just discomfort as i began to have uterine cramps. dr spence gave me a gift of a pewter coin with an angel carved into it to hold in my hand for comfort. the nurses we had, heather, and bonnie, were so loving and helpful and, since they did not have to monitor your wellbeing, they let your dad and i relax and watch a bunch of arrested development episodes on the tv. dr spence came around fairly often, and hung out with dad and i - she's really cool, and a good friend to our family, and every 4 hours she she'd give me another dose of the induction medicine. around 6:30pm, i was getting fairly uncomfortable, so i let my nurse heather give me 2 mg of morphine. that stuff is intense, but it helped me relax. i was due to get another dose of induction medicine at 9:30pm, but at 9:15, you spontaneously arrived, when dr spence had gone home and the nurses were not in the room. i called to your dad to get them, and bonnie came and removed you from the room to clean you up. dr spence rushed back, and we tried to deliver the placenta, but my cervix had reclosed itself, so i got another dose of induction medicine, as well as morphine, and waited. in the meantime, bonnie and dr spence cleaned and examined you. your dad was sad, so he left the room so i could see you again (i accidently saw you when you were just delivered). bonnie brought you in to me wrapped up in this blanket.you were so tiny, and i was so sad to see you not breathing that i didn't hold you long - only about 30 seconds. long enough to see your tiny toes, and your tiny fingers. long enough to see your cheeks and eyelids, and little ribcage peeking out from under your skin. you were so tiny. 5 1/2 inches tall, and 1.6 ounces. your cord was wrapped around your neck fairly tight. i think that's what made me uncomfortable, so i said thank you to god for letting me hold you, like i couldn't do with your siblings, said goodbye to you, and handed you back to bonnie.
at 1am, i finished delivering the placenta, and your dad and i slept until 8:30am, with hourly interuptions from bonnie to check my temperature and blood pressure. the hospital gave us a memory box with your blanket in it, as well as a few cards with your prints on them. here are your tiny foot, toe, and hand prints.at 11am, dr spence had us discharged, and your dad and i went to the church to meet pr katy. she had a nice long chat with us, and we held a liturgy thanking god for you, asking god to be with us in our greiving, and to care for you. pr katy annointed my hands that held you, and your dad's hands that will hold you eventually. we cried, and we mourned not being able to watch you grow up. we believe that you are happy, playing with your brother noah, your friend gabriel habostad, and your other sibling. we can't wait to see you again, and hold you close in our hearts until that happens. we love you Ian, SO much.

Love, mom


Kathy Slattengren said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Ian is fortunate to have parents who love him so much.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Katie Berger said...

Liz ... I am sooo sorry you've had to go through this. Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you, and I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. I hope you three can find peace in this painful time. I hope you can feel the love coming from everyone who knows you.