last night, before i went to sleep, i talked with a friend about this potential job. he said i shouldn't make a decision until i had slept on it - see what i would dream about and if it kept me up thinking. but i pretty much had made up my mind to leave the job be, and not go for it, so i didn't sit up all night, and i slept dreamlessly well.
today, however, i spoke about the job at length with multiple people, and my mind went yes and no and yes and no and wait and no and yes and wait. what was that?
and it hit me (thanks to a lunch friend, and an evening friend) - i am forcing what is in front of me and within reach to fit my needs, not offering my call where it might best fit.
my mind is racing about how foolish i have been running around, asking questions, choosing my own destiny, and not stopping to pray about any of it - only going going going..... and this evening james and i sat, talked and prayed it through, and it hit me. this call that i've been trying to push aside the last 2 years, that i've been avoiding by filling the space with desires like more babies, getting james through school unscathed, settling in at a new church, this call that i so desperately long for and loathe is not willing to wait for me to be ready any longer. my call wants to be made clear and known and acknowledged, and i am completely unwilling to let it in.
i know this because i cried.
i cried the tears i have cried in the past when i know god is working in and on me and it hurts because i have built the walls up so firm and tough to keep god out yet it's so easy for god to crumble them down. i cried the ridiculous and gasping wails of a baby w ho doesn't know when she will be fed - she only knows she's hungry and can't control circumstances keeping that food from her. i sobbed knowing that i could no longer keep god carefully and convieniently at arms length in a safely labeled cubby, and that i would have to start caring again.
i loved being able to say no and pick up a book or watch a trashy reality tv show - i loved letting the caring be left to someone else, only talking theology like it was politics, and feeding my mind with theories, leaving my heart to starve. it was/is simple that way. but i cried, because i know it can be no longer.
because i've been keeping myself from acknowledging my call, i still can't yet say what it is in entirety. but it involves a few things for sure:
* a need to participate (actively and in planning/facilitating) in adult education/faith formation in my church instead of children and family programs (which i've never been fond of, and think i just fell into at HSLC because i have a child and family)
* more education. likely a Master of Arts in Transforming Spirituality from Seattle U
i have sharp feelings about these things for many reasons (probably a good factor in why i have been avoiding call), many are reasons i feel i'm not ready, many involve the people that count on me to be in the places i am now, and many are because i don't want to go to Seattle U.
but, tonight, i can't sleep, and i think about my friend saying, if you're up at night thinking of things that are exciting you then they are worth the thoughts. now if only i could recognize what parts are exciting, and what others are just pieces i'm trying to fit where i feel they belong.....
gosh, such a ramble...... hopefully i'll get more clear (in my writing and in my thoughts!) as this journey rolls onward!