I miscarried today. yup. it sucks.
the most difficult part of it to process is that both james and i seemed to know we wouldn't be meeting this baby, kinda from the beginning. and, even though i had been spotting on and off for the last 2 weeks, there had been no signs of it becoming this bad. yet, all day today, i had a feeling i would miscarry today. no extra spotting - in fact, no spotting at all for 2 1/2 days. i just woke up and thought, if it's going to happen, it will happen today - and it did. at 515pm. i saw it, james saw it, we are 100% sure. sheesh.
we are thinking we might bury it after hazel is asleep this evening. we may or may not start trying for another baby sooner than later. it takes a while to process, and every month i'm not pregnant, i start thinking what's wrong with me that this doesn't happen, and when i am pregnant, i am fearful of this.
i have been pregnant 3 times and have one child to show for it.
sheesh.

Life Just Got a Bit More Complicated....

.... we're having another baby join the colver clan sometime around the end of march 2010 <3

it's good, we're excited. this baby was mostly planned {meaning, we wanted to get pregnant, and weren't doing anything to avoid getting pregnant, but also knowing it would take a leap of faith and a lot of reworking out living space we weren't sure we were ready for}. there are some really great things happening for us now, too. not the least of which is that, since the state considers us low income, we get out WIC checks doubled, and all my prenatal health care is provided free of charge with my same doctor {whom i adore}. a little close to miraculous :)

so, even though it's SO early {i'm approx. 5 weeks along as i type this}, i have completed my research and declared the minimum/maximum necessities for the new little one and the family to be comfortable and ready. here they are in no particular order:

stokke trip trap high chair. we have one of these for hazel already, and it grows with the child from infant to adult while always being able to comfortable sit at the table with the whole family {no tray inbetween family and child}. yes, it does mean more mess on the floor, but the chair is wooden with no fabric, so we often take it outside to hose off, wipe it down with clorox wipes, or plop it in the shower to clean - in our opinion, much easier than washing fabric seating pads that look gnarly after 4 washes!

this it the joovy tandem stroller that is great for parents with infants and an older toddler. the front seat holds more than 5 different brands of infant carseats for early infancy, and the back has both a seat with a harness, and a standing platform with comfortable handles for your older toddler to use when they're tired of walking {or get put in a time-out for running away from you!}. it's ultra light, shorter than the average double stroller, under $200, and folds down almost as compactly as an umbrella stroller.

when hazel was almost through using bottles, the BPA studies came out, and the only gladd bottles you could find anywhere were the born free ones that were $17 PER BOTTLE! excuse me? way to make healthy living accessible, right? but now, there are numerous brands offering glass options, and these are the munchkin ones - that come with these adorable silicone sleeves to keep them from breaking when dropped from a stroller {or tired mommies fingers in the middle of the night}. did i mention we bouthe 3 born free bottles for hazel and she let one slip from her stroller at a coffee shop {full of fresh steamed milk} and it shattered, covering the floor with tiny, lethal shards of glass and a full 10 ounces of warm, sticky milk. these munchkin glass bottles will save mommies the embarassment of asking for a mop while their kid is screaming for more milk and every other hip seattle coffee shop customer looks on like you're a psycho mom who doesn't know how to control her kid!

g diapers are awesome. especially because you can use their disposable inserts OR cloth diapers. the inserts are a small fortune, but the covers are super nice - breathable, good coverage, fairly leak proof, and did i mention adorable? we weren't able to use cloth diapers for hazel since she would get a nasty fire engine red rash within minutes of wearing one. hopefully new baby will tolerate enviromentally friendly options a little better then big sister :)

and, of course, we will need another bed. the crib hazel used is convertible, and she's using it as a toddler bed right now. so we will get her a seperate toddler bed and use the crib for the baby. the kiddos will be sharing a room, so space wise, this is the best option, until the baby is ready to start using a bed {hazel will probally be around age 5, baby around 2ish}, and we'll do twin bunk beds with hazel on top of course :)

other then those things, we will need a few clothes, hand-me-downs from friends, consignment shops, etc. it's nice to be able to do this and not lose a fortune. wish us luck!

total rant {ignore if you love your siblings}

my sister is 3 years younger than i am, and she's bipolar. i understand very well that this is a chemical imbalance and she needs meds to keep her balanced and healthy, and the typical case {which also happens to be hers} is when the patient feels good, they no longer feel the need for meds, so they stop taking them, and the imbalance takes over - often causing them to lose their job, not be able to get a new job, they struggle with money {overspend what they don't have and not understand that there isn't any left to spend anyhow} and generally are so damn rude they alienate themselves from anyone or anything that loves them and are all alone and depressed in a vicious unemployeed fund-less cycle that leaves everyone in shambles until somehow - without job or money or insurance, the patient can get back on their meds and start the healthy cycle again.

like i said, my sister is 3 years younger than me, and she is just my sister - i am not her parent, so there is not a whole lot i can do. she was also a middle child, and we weren't too close growing up - though i did regularly defend her bad judgments and blame others for her "responsive" behaviors, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt i probably shouldn't have - so now that she's at the end of a mean, nasty cycle, i should be happy things will start to look up, right?

but this one was so bad! she spent the last 2 years stealing from and getting fired from 3 jobs {good jobs}, living with a guy who no one knew and not letting anyone get to know him so that she could continuously say the family didn't like him and oh, aren't we the judgers? she may even have married him, though no one really knows because, did i mention before that my sister is a total compulsive lier!? {most recently, she is moaning all over facebook that she got such a bad sunburn because she didn't put on sunscreen she was allergic to - how interesting that she never was allergic to a damn thing before, but now she can pump her skin chokfull of tatoo ink, her face covered in non-natural make-up, and her strawberry red hair has been 14 different chemically induced colors in the last 5 months, not to mention coated with product 1000x worse for your body than anything in good old spf 50 on a daily basis, but who am i to judge? maybe she's suddenly become allergic to sunscreen this week....}

in this apartment she lived in with her "husband" who at the very least emotionally abused her {oh, and on at least one occasion threw rocks at her new, not fully paid for car when he was ass drunk}, she let who even knows how many other people live in non-leased, and ruined the carpet, didn't get any deposit money help, barely ever got rent from, didn't help with move out cleaning, and whatever else. all the while, who footed the bill, not my sister that's for damn sure.

now, as recently as this month, her lease ended and she moved back in with my 20 yo brother and my parents. she has started a new job which is good, right? but she seems to think that it's okay to treat our parents like landlords or packmules or bed and breakfast staffers without PAYING A GODDAMNED DIME FOR ANY OF IT! everyone in that house has to tiptoe around her for fear of "waking the bipolar beast" she is, and just take it from her. let me tell you a little about today....

today was a holiday. the whole family was off of work, and my brother asked my husband to go car shopping with him, so my daughter and i went with him to my parents house and we stayed the day visiting and being friendly with grandma and grandpa and maybe auntie, too {note: auntie is consistant at complaining that we never tell her when we are going to visit so that she never gets time to bond with her niece, and isn't it so sad when said niece runs and hugs uncle around the knees, but doesn't know what to do when auntie comes in the room? totally said niece's mom's fault, right? take it for the team mom...}. where is auntie. in her den. on facebook. writing and posting all kinds of nasty crap about how this house is killing her, and she needs to get out of it, and people here are so anti-her. does she climb out of her den at all? um, for a total of 15 minutes to eat a little food alone in the kitchen when we were there 8 hours.

i'm so seriously over this. i know i might regret this later, but i just want to be done with her. she hurts me everytime i try to be open. i really am one of the least judgy people {though this ran't doesn't proove that at all} and i want to be a support to her, but not a crutch. she abuses everything that is positive in her path and i am over it. i am so sad for my parents, that they have to take this from her. they're in a position they can't maneuver out of because of loving concern for their child, but man, i do not envy them one bit.

Random Assortment.....

Hi there, it's been a crazy couple of weeks - with a few more coming. Origionally, I thought that I would be so thrilled when May was over, thinking that June would be a much more mellow start to a lazy summer. Inaccurate to say the least. A month has never been so full!

Tomorrow, we have 3 {yes, that's correct three!} birthday parties to go to. And to make matters slightly more difficult, James has a massive sidejob to do and H and I will be partying alone. yikes!

However, these pictures share with you all the silver lining that comes with those parties tomorrow.

I love - repeat, LOVE wrapping presents. There is something quite theraputic to me, when the finding, choosing, and purchasing of a gift for someone can be stressful, wrapping it ever so specifically for the special someone is relaxing for me. Thank Jesus for this opportunity to relax during the month of June!

And, the first party is a princess dress up party, and H is completely excited. She picked out this dress at Target especially for the party { way to go H - it was mom's personal favorite, and the least expensive!}

Next week, we are going to visit family in CA {I know, in june - are we crazy?!} for 5 days, then it will be on to the finishing touches for H's 2nd birthday. Wow....

More coming, hopefully sooner than later!

The Coolest Cheap Home Improvement Project EVER

So this lady drew her own wallpaper. I cann't believe how cool this is (and that I've never thought of it myself!) It's so fantastic, I'm lurking all around my condo trying to find a place I could give it a try. Needless to say, I WILL be trying this in whatever house we eventually move into. See her amazing pics here.

Chocolate

I've determined that my problem is not sugar in itself - it's chocolate. I, quite simply, cannot function without it.
I have tried staying home for entire days with my child, and if the chocolate bus starts buzzing - satisfying it with greek yogurt and honey, or a popsicle, or whatever else kind of sweet is in the house. But by the end of the day, I'm like a crack addict without her crack and I'm spending the whole late afternoon/evening trying to come up with an excuse to go to the store and get some.
Many days, that there is no chocolate to eat is a good enough excuse.
So, here's what I'm thinking. Keep chocolate in the house. Sounds easy and terrifying, right? What if I do it this way....
I jones for my fix especially during H's naptime and in the evening after she's asleep. So, what if I allow myself a bit (no really, a bit - I can't honestly allow myself a whole # each time, can I?!) at both of those times. I can buy a bar (or whatever) a day, and split it between those two times with a gigantic glass of water. What do you all think? Can I make it work, appreciate the tiny indulgence to prevent the monster addictive binges? Thoughts?

new blog

I spent the whole day today putting together a new blog for a project I do for my church. If you're curious, you are more than welcome to check it out at:

faithfulthoughtsforparentsoftots.blogspot.com

thanks ;)

So Proud!

I just made this crayon roll for H! I'm not a seamstress {yet!} but thanks to soulemama and her book The_Creative_Family I was able to trust myself in making this simple yet fabulous piece!

what a day

Well, since I've been up since 5:55 this morning, still haven't had any coffee, my toddler keeps yelling nonsense at me while banging on the piano, and it's pouring outside, I thought I'd share my 2 new favorite items with you. I've only seen these pictures, not the fabulous items in person, but they calm me regardless. The top is a pillow from anthropologie and the next is a quilt some wonderful person made. Don't they make you want to snuggle up with them and ignore anything other then their georgousness?

me, too.

it's like New Post night!

This evening I've been reading a bunch of back-blogs by this woman Anna_Marie_Horner. She sounds so cool! She's a mother of 5 (with #6 due this week) and she is an awesome fabric designer { see her cool stuff here}. Anyway, going through her last 3 months of posts, I was inspired to pull out my fabric bag and do this:So it's not magic or anything, just reminding my boring living room that I love patterns and color. I've been playing around with the idea of making new covers for some of the throw pillows (I know it's easy to buy new pillows, but I just need to honor James' hard work by sticking to a budget - plus, it's dentist time for me again, and I'll need the $). So anyhow, here's one way to visually remind myself who I am, and what I appreciate :)

These are wee wonderful dolls, a downloadable PDF pattern you can purchase for $15 here . They are so freaking adorable, and I really really want to get the patterns and make some for H. The file includes patterns for 3 different dolls, 4 outfits for them, and a pair of shoes. You can make them however you want - with the same eye and hair color of their little owners, with adorable dresses you'd wear yourself (if you had a 6" waist). I think they're great. You can see different ones people have made here.

Reusing What We Have Already

With James being the manager of our condo complex, he is often putting up postings in entryways for the other residents to read. When we asked the board if we could take the old updates and print the new updates on the backside, they decided they'd rather have new crisp sheets of paper each time. Well, I guess that's for a professional aesthetic, so instead we buy the 80-100% recycled printer paper when we can.
But, yesterday, when H and I were taking down old updates I thought, this is still a lot of paper (27 entryways with 3 sheets of paper each!) - waht can I do with this? So, I created these " coloring books" for H! They're not the cutest but they will get better since this was the first attempt. I either folded the paper so the printed on side was hidden, or taped 2 pages printed side together. Then, I stapled them into books and "bound" them with electrical tape (it was what I had on hand).
H is only 22 months, so they'll get scribbled on, torn, and virtually end up in the recycle bin, but at least I don't have to buy coloring pages for a while!

See, she's already enjoying them!

Poor Hazel

Tonight, James put her to bed, and she was not into it. 20 minutes later she was still screaming, so I went in to see if she was alright. She had somehow managed to turn out her nightlight, so it was completely dark in there! Then by the time I got the light back in place, I sat down next to her and (perfect timing) she started vomitting :( Poor thing had cried herself sick! Luckily, I caught what was about to happen, and I caught and contained all the mess. So after a quick and quiet jammie change, we snuggled and read a few books to calm her back down.

Now, I'm in the living room, listening to her cry mommy, mommy... it's so hard! But the cries are getting more mellow and the moans are getting groggy, so hopefully she's nearing the end.

Watching your little one grow up on you is as equally moving as it is heart wrenching. I want her to need me, and so it's so easy to declare, 'her cries are because she needs her mommy!' but really, she's old enough now that she can attempt mini-manipulation {since mommy came last time I cried myself sick, let's see if she'll come back}. I have to allow her to grow up and teach herself to fall asleep without my presence. I'd say in general I've been pretty okay with her growing older - it sure is great she can use so many words to talk to me now, and she understands consequences, can help me with little chores, plays hilarious games with me, and just this week, she started asking me to play guitar for her while she sings and plays at the piano - it fills me up overflowing!
But I also long for the days when I could snuggle with her for hours - when she was little and completely content with me meeting her every need. Now she says, 'mommy, no hand' when I want to hold her hand walking through the park. Or, 'no buckle' when she wants to snap herself into her highchair/stroller/carseat (which I check, of course!).
Ahh.... she's quiet now. Thank you God for the gifts of life and love (and peaceful evenings!).

Toddler Bed Night #2

WOAH!!

H cried 5 minutes and crawled her rump back into bed, snuggled into her pillow, and fell asleep!

What a big girl!!

I think I might cry.....

Toddler Bed

Today, after a couple of conversations with different friends, we decided to convert H's crib into a toddler bed. Boo-hoo! But, as you can see, she already loves it - she's been snuggling in it all afternoon and LOVES that she can get in and out all by herself!

Our plan is to put the baby gate that used to keep H out of our room so that Cats could have a toddler-free space, in front of her door so she can't come out. I'll let you all know how it works out!

I {heart} Consignment!

Today, H and I met a friend and her daughter in Issaquah for a fun filled errand running playdate. We met at the local SAHM Headquarters (aka Starbucks) and wandered over to the neighboring kids consignment shop - Me n' Moms. First important thing: Me n'Moms has a new owner - and so far she's fabulous! She has begun rearranging the shop, and the first thing she's done is get same sized long racks for the clothes, and organize them into a girls section and boys section and in order of size. Thank God! Now, when you browse, you can see over the tops of all the racks to find your running kiddo (or under the racks - there are now no toys stored beneath the clothes, so you can see your pint-sized shopping partner that way, too!). As I was chatting with the new owner, she said they were going to do more - putting the used toys all together in a section you could see from the whole shop and kids could play in, painting, getting in cool new things (like the whole entire See Kai Run line!) and adding community activities (storytimes, mom's night out with free wine and cheese, and baby wearing classes for a start!). She is renaming the store Small Threads (super cute!) and there will be a website and everything. As you can tell, I am really excited. She seems super cool, and (though I don't yet know her name) I think we might become friends :)

Anyhow - so during our time there, I found some sweet things for H. My friend, Kari, always wonders how I find H's cute stuff (Kari's baby Sonja loves the hand-me-overs!) and this is how - browse until my eyeballs fall out or H throws a tantrum! lol

Here's what we got - totalling under $20!

These are so cute! The top is hand embroidered and has no label. The shorts are OshKosh (and I saw them in the store literally last week full price) and the shoes, and a european brand!

My friend Ruth, who was with me, so knows my style. She saw this skirt and pulled it for me. Trendy red, brown, and turquise - yummy!
This one, too, is handmade by someone's grandma - hilariously adorable, almost inappropriately old print, but I thought I might die if I didn't get it for her!
We also picked up some Old Navy flower embroidered jeans in 3T size for next year. Yeah! And like I said earlier, all 6 items totalled under $20! Go Small Threads Consignment!

job continued.....

last night, before i went to sleep, i talked with a friend about this potential job. he said i shouldn't make a decision until i had slept on it - see what i would dream about and if it kept me up thinking. but i pretty much had made up my mind to leave the job be, and not go for it, so i didn't sit up all night, and i slept dreamlessly well.

today, however, i spoke about the job at length with multiple people, and my mind went yes and no and yes and no and wait and no and yes and wait. what was that?

and it hit me (thanks to a lunch friend, and an evening friend) - i am forcing what is in front of me and within reach to fit my needs, not offering my call where it might best fit.


my mind is racing about how foolish i have been running around, asking questions, choosing my own destiny, and not stopping to pray about any of it - only going going going..... and this evening james and i sat, talked and prayed it through, and it hit me. this call that i've been trying to push aside the last 2 years, that i've been avoiding by filling the space with desires like more babies, getting james through school unscathed, settling in at a new church, this call that i so desperately long for and loathe is not willing to wait for me to be ready any longer. my call wants to be made clear and known and acknowledged, and i am completely unwilling to let it in.
i know this because i cried.
i cried the tears i have cried in the past when i know god is working in and on me and it hurts because i have built the walls up so firm and tough to keep god out yet it's so easy for god to crumble them down. i cried the ridiculous and gasping wails of a baby w ho doesn't know when she will be fed - she only knows she's hungry and can't control circumstances keeping that food from her. i sobbed knowing that i could no longer keep god carefully and convieniently at arms length in a safely labeled cubby, and that i would have to start caring again.
i loved being able to say no and pick up a book or watch a trashy reality tv show - i loved letting the caring be left to someone else, only talking theology like it was politics, and feeding my mind with theories, leaving my heart to starve. it was/is simple that way. but i cried, because i know it can be no longer.

because i've been keeping myself from acknowledging my call, i still can't yet say what it is in entirety. but it involves a few things for sure:

* a need to participate (actively and in planning/facilitating) in adult education/faith formation in my church instead of children and family programs (which i've never been fond of, and think i just fell into at HSLC because i have a child and family)
* more education. likely a Master of Arts in Transforming Spirituality from Seattle U

i have sharp feelings about these things for many reasons (probably a good factor in why i have been avoiding call), many are reasons i feel i'm not ready, many involve the people that count on me to be in the places i am now, and many are because i don't want to go to Seattle U.


but, tonight, i can't sleep, and i think about my friend saying, if you're up at night thinking of things that are exciting you then they are worth the thoughts. now if only i could recognize what parts are exciting, and what others are just pieces i'm trying to fit where i feel they belong.....

gosh, such a ramble...... hopefully i'll get more clear (in my writing and in my thoughts!) as this journey rolls onward!

job.....

so, a dear friend just suggested i apply for the youth director position at our church.
for those of you who know me, what do you think? the church is a progressive community {the reason we choose to go there} and i'm not exactly {or really at all} a "typical" youth director.... however, my friend had some good reason for me to apply.
i've started this ministry at church called spirited.home that lends itself to multiple situations as a discussion starter. i could do some really cool things with youth - i've always been someone that "youth" are attracted to and willing to talk with. i dunno........ i have to read the job description....... more later!

Housewives.....

has anyone other then me noticed that there are all these shows with "housewives" and none of them are actually housewives?!?!? the most humorous part, in my opinion, is that ABC's "desperate housewives" is the ONLY ONE! {disclaimer: it is also one of my FAVORITE shows so.....} bravo network has a long list of "real housewives" reality shows {which i admit, i also watch almost as religiously} orange county, new york, atlanta, and next new jersey - and i have yet to see an actual housewife! every single one of these ladies has some kind of work - and even those who can work from home (jewelry designer, author, skin care line creator, whatever else) they all have help! people-what does it mean to be a housewife to you? i would never really believe these examples!

before:after

yesterday: sicko kiddo with elmo

today: pushing a colored pencil, mcdonalds toy, and banana rounds all around the house!

wouldn't it be nice if we could be as swiftly rehabilitated?!