Birthday Prep

H has, somewhere along the lines this past week, picked up on the fact that her birthday is coming up. She has been talking on her "phone" telling her friends about her birthday party, and everything I say, she has been responding with "for my burr-day pahr-dy?!" This evening, I decided to go out and pick up some felt to start cutting circles for this (shown in the above picture). H's party this year is going to be in Grandpa and Grandma Cherry's backyard garden, and we're going to hang this from the trees and deck. H was sleeping in the stroller while I did the shopping and picking out colors (shy selection at Lynnwood's Hancock fabrics, I might add - good thing I started looking early so I can round out the only blazing pink and green shades available!), and while we were in line to purchase, H suddenly woke up and told the lady in front of us

"We're getting treats for my burrday pahrdy!"

it was pretty cute :)

Yes Day

I, with the help of my family, have decided that tomorrow will be my very first (and please dear God hopefully last) Yes Day. What is a Yes Day? Well, the idea comes from a children's book called just that, "The Yes Day" where the child recieves the answer Yes to all their requests for the entire day.
Cookies for breakfast? Yes!
2 movies? Yes!
Popcorn and my very own soda at said movies? Yes!
Crackers in bed? Yes!
Stay up late? Yes!
get the idea?! So, why am I having a Yes Day tomorrow? Because it is the day I was supposed to give birth to a beautiful, healthy, screaming, living baby boy, and I don't get to. So, whatever else I want tomorrow, I will get.
Sounds pretty good, right? Although, I must admit, I will put a cap on some things - like, I can't say yes to going out and buying a house, or spending the day at Nordstroms with a personal shopper, or the like. My possibilities include the likes of a pair of new coveted shoes, or a massage. Possibly a manicure, or a solo movie. Anything I crave to eat, I will say yes to with no guilt. I may even stay in bed all day and ask to be catered to, or simply left alone. I will likely take a long hot shower all by myself, and I will probably not ask to put H down for her nap or bedtime - I'll leave that to J.
The other upside to this Yes Day is two-fold: I could be redily distracted from pain and sorrow by joyful, foolish abundance for one. For two, I am completely at a loss as to what I may want to do, so I can't plan it like I typically enjoy doing. At this point, I feel available to the idea of a bit of solo shopping/browsing and a possible massage, but last week all I could think about possibly looking forward to was staying under the covers all day long with the door closed and the TV set to Bravo reality reruns. I guess the Yes Day gives me the opportunity to wallow if need be, or distract if that need be....
Anyhow, I will update on thursday the results/effect of my Yes Day later in the week for those of you who may be interested. But until then, please keep my family and me in your prayers... as fun as this may be, it is more than likely going to suck.

mothers day is around the corner :)

i am not a surprise person. just ask my husband. since childhood, i have always been that girl who finds all her hidden gifts to prepare a perfect reaction for the giver. really! as much as i love a good gift, i struggle because no matter how large and robust my taste hints are, i seldom recieve something that blows me away unless i beg specifically. but my husband doesn't like to be 'told' what to get me, as he likes surprising me. what's a girl to do?

well, this is what i'll do this year:

these are images of things i find lovely.

i'd love to hand this from the ceiling over our four-poster bed!

i would stack these pretties on my right hand!

and this just kills me with it's beauty!

what are your dream gifts? i really want to know!

Aching

I'm at a point where I am unclear in how I want the future to unfold.
I feel as though I'm preparing for some lovely and wonderful things, and my days are happy. New friends, old friends, family, spring, education and amazing brain strengthening, heart and spirit development- all these things bring me joy and delight.
Yet I am being pulled toward a depression I haven't experienced- and am unwilling to fall prey to, but the current is strong. I can't do it all, I certianly can't feel it all, and somehow I must find the ability to relinquish control without gravity waiting to pull me deep. I've done it before, and I have known the capability. I was saddened and broken by Noahs death, and there were days I let myself feel
angst,
fear,
pain,
and greif.
As Ians due date approaches in these next 2 weeks, I find myself fighting the desire to do nothing and ignore my responsibities. I am striving to find the balance I had with greiving before, and I have a care plan set up for the month of May to help. But even now that we have a plan and a strong trust in medical salvation for future pregnancies, I still feel an ache so thick it's suffocating. The control has been taken from me- by class requirements, by scheduling drama- and I find myself trapped by a choice I can't make, baby or school, that I couldn't make if I choose to! I have never had control of such things, and I shouldn't, though the desire to force hands to meet my needs is terrifyingly strong. I fear my reaction to a wanted pregnancy when I learn the duedate negates travel for deaconess events or sparsely offered yet required classes. The point of this ramble is to remind myself it's not my choice. I am young and safe and flexible. I can sucessfully balance baby-family-school-life. I know this and I trust my knowledge. But I still ache for the normalcy so many people show with controlling the schedule of their lives to a forseen benefit ascribed to them by themselves. Waiting for Gods revelation in my life is agonizing when the crossroads meet.

potty training

this morning, H declared she wanted to wear big girl unders (that's what we call them, to avoid the over-sexualized term 'panties' that no dad or grandpa or man is ever really comfortable asking their little girl to pull down...), and since we're hanging at home, for the morning at least, i agreed. just 5 minutes ago, H yells, "i've gotta go potty!" as a little puddle is forming at the bottom of her leg. but she ran to the toilet, and used it - she managed to stop her flow, hold it as she went to the bathroom, and release it in the proper place! I know this sounds silly to communicate, but I have learned over the last 12 months, that kids will do this themselves. Or at least my kid. I have felt pressure since H was 18 months old to train her - 'she's ready, just do it!' but no matter the effort I put into it, it hasn't mattered, she wasn't willing to put in the equal effort, and it always stalled. I read something once somewhere that was so great, especially when I realized that my child had turned 19 months old and wasn't trained. It said that your child is prepared to train at a specific time. Let's say 3 years old. You can start training her at 18 months, or 2 years, or 2 3/4, but she will not be completely sucessful until her internal clock that was set in utero, clicks on. Basically, parents, do you want to be fighting training for 18 months, or 1 week? It's not about your method, it's about your individual, unique, specially designed child.
So, today, H showed me she knew how to hold and release. Does this mean she'll train herself this week? this month? before preschool starts in the fall? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care - because when it does happen, it is something she can be proud of and know that she really did it "all by herself."

if anybody reading this has money to spare.....

i.

want.

First due date of spring

Today is the first of 2 due dates I will not be delivering babies on this year. This is the due date of the child I miscarried in July- the one we haven't named and I feel guilt about every time I let myself think about. I am in California this week and today (or rather when I wake up later today) may be difficult. So, by the power invested in me by being honest in a blog- I hereby promise myself that if I need to get up and excuse myself at any point tomorrow, I am allowed and I will not worry about other peoples reactions. My in-laws may think I'm being funny (weird) but that's okay. Tomorrow/today is all about self care. Wish me luck!

Sent from my iPhone

ew. (and kinda long)

we have mice. that's plural. and gross. and i'm so flipping freaked out by it i can barely type 2 letters before i swat at myself, thinking i feel something crawling on me. omg

here's the story: 2ish weeks ago, h is sitting in her chair at the table eatting breakfast, and i'm doing dishes. because i'm clean like that! and she says, 'a mouse mommy! look!' and i swear to god i see something black in my periphreal (how the h do you spell that d*** word ?!?) so, i do what any other excellent mother of the year would do in my situation (when her hubster is in the back room) and i run to the table, put h on top (mommy, i no want to stand on the table! deal with it!) jump up on a chair and scream
JAMES!
to which he comes running, and asking what is going on, decides to laugh at us and then, like the good man he is, procedes to pull out all the appliances and look behind them. nothing. no mouse. we determine that h is a bit looney - or watching too much tv with 2 parents in school - and the mouse was not real. even though i saw something in my p-word vision.....

h doesn't let it go, though. later that afternoon, she is literally on her belly on the kitchen floor with a flashlight hunting under the cabinets for this GD mouse. so, i go a little crazy, and send james out for a trap. which he sets. and 20 minutes after it's set it goes off. we've caught a mouse. in my kitchen. my clean no crumbs for a mouse to live off of immaculate kitchen.
omg.
but we're done. it's caught, and i'm fine. til the next day i hear strange noises coming from the kitchen. sh**, seriously? i'm going mental now for real, and i make james set another trap. for 4 days i'm hearing this seriously creepy sound coming from the kitchen and i'm losing weight because i'm not hanging out near the pantry. james thinks i'm crazy, but on afternoon 4, he sees the noisemaker scurry across the kitchen, so he sets a different kind of trap (oh i should have said with the 1st, we used a no kill trap and james released him into the back brush. this no kill kind didn't suffice for mangy creeper #2 so we used a sticky trap). #2 finally got its tail stuck and ran the f around the kitchen clanking away for james to chase and eventually trap under a recycle can and scoot outside. yeah! the mice are gone!!
i come back from a retreat the weekend before last, and on monday evening i put a frozen food box in the trash. big deal, right? only in the morning, when i went to put a yogurt cup in the trash there were what looked like mouse droppings in the GD frozen food box from the night before. i was leaving for chicago, and told james about this. while i was gone, he said he heard a noise, and took out the trash with something moving in it. freakin 3 mice people. in my clean home on the 2nd story of an apartment complex!!!!!!
why am i spending all this time telling you this story? well, because this afternoon, while doing the dishes, i found a new mouse trail ON MY COUNTER! WTF???!? i'm totally spazzing out. i now think they must enter from our pot smoking community college neighbors unit and find they only have beer and stale chips, so they venture to our place, but we're clean, and we don't leave food around, or on the floor, or on the counter, or anything - especially after finding #1 2 weeks ago. i don't know what they're getting into, where they're staying, when they come out, i'm flipping freaked the f*** out like they're going to come out of the shower drain while i'm taking a bath or climb into bed with me and nibble at my toenails (but i'm taking precautions - i'm sleeping in socks with my pants tucked into them and a turtleneck. oh, and with my bra on and shoes right next to the bed so i can get outside real quick and not be flap happy while escaping the 4 ounce creepers from who the F knows where as they try to invade and take over my home and family. h's bedroom door is kept safe with draft snake so they can't eat her fingerpads off while she sleeps).
so, anyone have any tips on keeping them out of our 2nd story, clean apartment, please let me know. i'm about 10 hours from calling management of this place to have an exterminator out. so sick. ew.ew.ew.ew.ew

the artist known as hazel

she just L.O.V.E.S painting and making "projects" as she calls it :) we recently began letting her use watercolors in the kitchen, and i can barely get in there to do the dishes since she always shoos me away saying, "i need privacy for my project mommy. you can't come in here right now" sheesh!

homemade potty training book

pull-ups cost 32-45 cents each! and i, for one, am totally done with my child being only half interested in using the toilet, and not interested in sitting still for a diaper change. so, i made this potty training book, with her imput, and i'll let you all know how it works. my hope is that the $40 i spent on pull-ups today is the last money i spend on diapering products for this child!

hazel and i went to target today, and she choose this notebook herself for the potty training book.

here is a pencil pouch with all the stickers hazel choose for herself at the store, all cut into 1ish inch sticker bunches (roughly 2-4 stickers a piece).

rules of the potty book: 10 squares (frames) to decorate with stickers. when all 10 are decorated, hazel gets to lift the tag and reveal her super surprise!

this surprise is a popsicle! this keeps us from buying 3 bags of m&m's a week, since mom and dad seem to eat them all after bedtime and have to sontinually replenish the supply! sometimes the surprise is a lollipop, or an ice cream date with daddy, a steamed milk trip with mommy, or a $3 train ride at the park.

here's hoping i have good results!!!

baby shower tea party

it took me a while to figure out how to get these pictures from my phone to the computer, but here are some images from the spread i helped make for a dear friends baby shower. i made 4 kinds of tea sandwiches, and my dad supplied the depression era glass serving dishes and tea sets, as well as the rose bud china. it really turned out lovely, if i do say so myself (and the sandwiches were de.lish.ous!)

valentines

hazel isn't really in a place where she needs to give valentines, yet. but when i saw these i completely knew they were irresistable! plus, i can print as many as i want for EVER - meaning, preschool and early elementary years are all done!

anyway, since she doesn't have a reason to give these, i decided to make little bundles for each of the families hazel sees most from church, since we'll be at church on v-day. each valentine contains 12 cards printed on cardstock to color, and 3 crayons. i also used happytape to decorate the envelopes (since i only had 3 to decorate!)

i am real proud of myself for this :)

angry day

today i had an angry day. it's okay, since i'm aware of what my anger means and that it is signaling other emotions to the forefront to be dealt with, and with which i am dealing but not in my blog because they're mine, and all ya'll readers probally have your own emotions to claim and honor. but man, i let it all get to me.

first, something that i knew might happen, did, and i wasn't as prepared for it as i expected myself to be. you know the feeling? like, you know a moment will occur, and it will be awkward and so you prepare for it emotionally, but when it actually happens, you get overwhelmed and, like, cry? yea. way to start the day, liz.

then, james wanted to take the car through the car wash, which is fine. but when he does that, he always wants to vacuum it out afterwards. that's fine, too - but today, after the above mentioned awkward morning, i really didn't want the loud noise of the vacuum in my day, so i said no - we could wash the car, but please, let's vacuum it tomorrow. he didn't get it, and i needed control of something so bad i made it a huge rediculous battle of who cares for the other more, and anyway, we vacuumed the f**king car and i was even more angry.

and tonight, i had a strange parenting struggle with a friend that, because of my angry day, made me feel like somehow, i'm a really horrible parent and i started noticing how no one we leave hazel with has left their kids with us. seriously? now i'm more angry. aren't we good parents? hazel is so polite, and she stays in time out, and she cleans up after herself, and she is always smiling and laughing. isn't that a sign of good parenting? a healthy, differentiated as much as acceptable for a two year old child? is it so bad that i don't coddle my child, protect her from ever getting pushed or shoved or her feelings hurt? that i provide opportunities for her to know how to explore her feelings without caging her from fear or anxiety?

it's days like these where i feel like just picking up my shit and moving far, far away and starting fresh. you know? lousy angry day.

burberry inspired knit cowl

i knit this over the last few days - here's the free pattern if you'd like it. super easy - just stockinette with a random cable twist every 12 rows or so. doesn't the yarn have a beautiful colorway? one of the blogger ladies i follow has a cool project going here where she cast on 220 st where she garter stitches her leftover yarn. it is making a yummy throw/lap afgan, and i've decided to follow suit (only i may add a hint of flavor to the stitches, since i don't love garter stitch). more to follow with that, but now, to cast on an adorable cowl in self striping yarn for hazel - isn't a cowl for a toddler a great idea for keeping the neck warm and the cold out? they can't easily pull an end and leave it on the playground!

like facebook status' for keeps

This book is great (and on back order - boo hoo!). It has space on each page for 5 years of entries. For example, the January 29th page has 5 spaces to enter something from your day in 2010, 2011, 2012.... you get the idea. So, as your years move on, you can look back and see patterns or recall misplaced memories from what you previously put on the page. I love the idea for many reasons, but one major one is that what mother has time to journal, and don't we always have great things to share? Think about Facebook status's - little memories and ideas that have meaning. I love this book - and if it doesn't get off back order soon, I might just make my own!

boots

I have been looking for the perfect boots for the last 5 years and lo - here they are.

and i bought them. for three hundred dollars. seriously. i can die now.

edit: these just came in the mail, and they were not worthy of the praise i gave them. i am sad. i thought i had found the ones......
now to bellevue to return them :( sigh.

woah....

this is incredible.

etsy tortures me in many ways, but this one tore me up.

happy tape

seriously people - i almost died when i saw this stuff in martha's magazine last month, and this morning i finally got over to their site. WOW! SO COOL! one of my fave things it wrapping presents and making cards. this stuff would be perfect! and the best part is - it's WAY less expensive than ribbon ($6 for 50 feet instead of $4 for 8 feet!). i'll let you know when i finally get some and how i use it!

anthropologie

i went shopping at the new bellevue anthropologie location tonight. here's what i got (+ a pair of tights):

LOVE THAT STORE! seriously - every thing i tried on fit beautifully and made me feel so chic and glam. therefore, one of my new years resolutions is to buy one (clothing) item from this store each month this year. enhance my wardrobe with things that make me feel beautiful, since my presonal trend it to care for myself more when i feel pretty (iow - i eat more crap when i look/feel like crap. who wants to eat doritos in this dress? a nice cup of lentil soup with a side salad sounds much better, thank you!)

a new year is near.....

and thank god for that! we are ready to move on out of 2009, and hopefully 2010 will be nice and mellow - meaning no high highs or low lows. james says one of his resolutions is going to be learning how to forgive more easily. one of mine is going to be learning how to feel thankful more easily.

i may or may not have mentioned this before, but i don't like clutter. james and i particularly favor the stark, danish modern asthetic of minimalism/bohemian, ethnic accents - but you would not know that by visiting our house. part of it is that we don't have a house, we have an apartment, and it's hard to hide things well in a smaller space. another part is that hazel has stuff she likes to use (duh) and toddlers notoriously leave their stuff all over. i am trying to remedy this in a couple of ways for the new year. one way is by getting rid of a ton of stuff that is completely unnecessary (we don't have a baby, why do we need a box full of pacifiers hazel didn't even use? seriously, if/when the time comes, i can get more then). another way is this:

i, somewhat lamely, realized that we have 2 linen closets in this apartment - one of which is at the end of our hall. so, in my new years resolution attempt to keep my home clutter (and toddler strewn toy) free, i have made this closet the toy closet. hazel's rule has, for the most part, been play with a toy, when you're done, put it away, play with another toy. but recently, her toys have gotten messier (it was a duplo christmas if you know what i mean) and 1 toy doesn't seem to equal 1 doll - it's 1 whole 15 piece doctor's kit, or 1 whole box of crayons and a coloring book. and, as many of you understand, toddlers attention spans typically are shorter than a fly's memory and soon you are tripping over duplos, crayons, and stethescopes all on the same floor. sigh.

so, here is my attempt at restoring order. there is a strategically placed toddler doorknob lock (which thankfully hazel still hasn't mastered the art of geting past yet!) on this toy closet door. if she wants a new toy to play with, she has to pick up the previous toy - and she can't get a new one until i open the door to get it for her. yes, i understand this might relate into me getting off my butt every 4 1/2 minutes to get a new toy out, but it also might foster an enjoyment in playing with something for hazel that many kids surrounded by multiple toys all the time can't create. have you ever seen kids in nurserys with toddler ADD running from toy to toy so scared they might not be able to play with them all if they don't play with them all at the same time? hopefully this will result is real imagination time with dolls or blocks, or complete pictures drawn with crayons.......

so, think it'll work? i hope so. next pre-new-years-step is to seriously kick the study/office's butt into submission so both james and i feel comfortable getting our stuff done in there. that room is a manly mess. here i go!