what does the word done mean anyway?

sunday the 13th is the day we went to the hospital to deliver ian, and it was the day he was delivered. monday the 14th was the day we thought i delivered the placenta, but opps - my body wasn't done. it waited for 3 days of recovery until it choose to let us know it was even still there, and not going to miraculously reenter my system and disappear. thanks! so, thursday night i barely slept due to discomfort, and friday the 18th, i had a d&c to remove it (evidently my placenta changed its mind midway and tried to hide again, but we knew it was there and couldn't stay hidden forever!). so this post is to ask, what did i mean when i thought i was 'done'? i suppose i meant physically, since i know the emotional part of this is going to be difficult and long lasting. i regularly think about how fast i have recouperated, physically, from any issues i've had, and realize i'm lucky, and many people have just one physical issue that turns into a life long nightmare. the fact that i am feeling relatively fine just 3 days after a surgical procedure is pretty amazing. i guess i just need to tell my mind to stop complaining. i mean, is there anything else that could happen as a result of the events of last week? i dunno, but i'm not going to say i'm done........

whadda ya think?

when noah died, james went out and bought me my first piece of tiffany jewelry. this locket. we put noah's footprints in it. as i was browsing etsy this evening, i ran across this stamped disc, and thought, wouldn't it look nice with ian's name hanging on the same chain as noah's prints? and what about a tiny pearl drop to symbolize the miscarriage i had before ian? hmm..... it seems like i might be in the market for a christmas gift for myself........

Dear Ian Joseph,

your delivery story goes like this. sunday december 13th, your dad and i went into overlake hospital's childbirth center. dr spence gave me a drug specific to this type of delivery that helped my uterus to contract and my cervix to dialate at 9:30 in the morning. i did not feel pain, just discomfort as i began to have uterine cramps. dr spence gave me a gift of a pewter coin with an angel carved into it to hold in my hand for comfort. the nurses we had, heather, and bonnie, were so loving and helpful and, since they did not have to monitor your wellbeing, they let your dad and i relax and watch a bunch of arrested development episodes on the tv. dr spence came around fairly often, and hung out with dad and i - she's really cool, and a good friend to our family, and every 4 hours she she'd give me another dose of the induction medicine. around 6:30pm, i was getting fairly uncomfortable, so i let my nurse heather give me 2 mg of morphine. that stuff is intense, but it helped me relax. i was due to get another dose of induction medicine at 9:30pm, but at 9:15, you spontaneously arrived, when dr spence had gone home and the nurses were not in the room. i called to your dad to get them, and bonnie came and removed you from the room to clean you up. dr spence rushed back, and we tried to deliver the placenta, but my cervix had reclosed itself, so i got another dose of induction medicine, as well as morphine, and waited. in the meantime, bonnie and dr spence cleaned and examined you. your dad was sad, so he left the room so i could see you again (i accidently saw you when you were just delivered). bonnie brought you in to me wrapped up in this blanket.you were so tiny, and i was so sad to see you not breathing that i didn't hold you long - only about 30 seconds. long enough to see your tiny toes, and your tiny fingers. long enough to see your cheeks and eyelids, and little ribcage peeking out from under your skin. you were so tiny. 5 1/2 inches tall, and 1.6 ounces. your cord was wrapped around your neck fairly tight. i think that's what made me uncomfortable, so i said thank you to god for letting me hold you, like i couldn't do with your siblings, said goodbye to you, and handed you back to bonnie.

at 1am, i finished delivering the placenta, and your dad and i slept until 8:30am, with hourly interuptions from bonnie to check my temperature and blood pressure. the hospital gave us a memory box with your blanket in it, as well as a few cards with your prints on them. here are your tiny foot, toe, and hand prints.at 11am, dr spence had us discharged, and your dad and i went to the church to meet pr katy. she had a nice long chat with us, and we held a liturgy thanking god for you, asking god to be with us in our greiving, and to care for you. pr katy annointed my hands that held you, and your dad's hands that will hold you eventually. we cried, and we mourned not being able to watch you grow up. we believe that you are happy, playing with your brother noah, your friend gabriel habostad, and your other sibling. we can't wait to see you again, and hold you close in our hearts until that happens. we love you Ian, SO much.

Love, mom

tomorrow

this is how 'tall' my baby will be when/if i get to see him or her tomorrow. the length of a ballpoint pen. i have not begun processing. it has been a very busy month, and we have had the spend the last few days preparing multiple other things for what is to come. i may or may not blog to process - james has asked that i do, but i don't know yet. but as for this minute, i know that hazel has a great place to stay and enjoy the next day or 2, we have insurance, so we won't have to pay out of pocket hospital expenses, and this is going to happen tomorrow. which begins in a few hours. which is probally why i'm starting to get anxious, not knowing what is really going to happen. i don't know if i will have to dialate completely, if the baby will be 'pleasant' to look at, if i will tear, if i will lactate, or if i will suddenly get overwhelmed by it all and either panic and push myself too hard, or completely give up trying. i don't know if i will be able to allow myself to feel anything, or if i will put on a face for the nurses. like i said, i have not been processing, i have been avoiding, and i think i like it here.....

however, we have chosen names. and if appropriate, we will take pictures. we weren't allowed to see noah, and i still really struggle with his death because i didn't feel closure. i would not say i was a visual person, in that i need to see something to believe it, but my miscarriage this summer was a really healthy and healing experience of grief and closure. i actually hope that by delivering this child, we will have a better chance at that type of closure. it would be wonderful to have closure as beautiful as this:

i mean, we could - the size of a sweet potato, the crown to rump length of a ballpoint pen.....

max and ruby

hazel's new thing, well not new - it's been going on for the last month or so, is watching max and ruby. it's a relatively cute show, even though the more i watch it the more i dislike ruby, i think she bully's little brother max, but on today's episode, i caught something that really bugged me. bear with me....

ruby is collecting autumn leaves as they fall. she has a book with specific leaf outlines that she is supposed to match up with the leaves she finds. fair enough. BUT...

when she first opens the book, the leaf outlines are on the left pages,

when she opens the book the next time to insert a new leaf,

the outlines are on the right page, and again, later,

the outlines move back to the left page!

okay, so i know it's a kids show, but don't the editors get paid? don't they think that parents will ever watch and become irritated with the inconsistancy of page use? seriously?

and yes, i am hormonal so this really doesn't matter, but it bugs me enough to erase the episode from our dvr...... sheesh!

the liz quiz

what project is liz a quarter of the way through with,
that she's started 4 times in the last 4 years,
and completed only once?


guesses accepted for the next 24 hours - then answer will be posted. good luck guessing!!

answer: growing a baby. yup - preggo (again).

Settling In

hey all - no falling off the surface of the earth here, just close ;)

we are finished moving. actually, i was pretty ocd about unpacking and getting settled, so it was under a week when we were "settled" into the new place, but now we have internet, cable, and james is done commuting for his last few days of work, and we are a cheerful stay-at-home-family!

i started my masters classes at Seattle University last week. it's going to be difficult, but well worth it. i got an email from my synodical candidacy committee this afternoon saying to expect a call for appointments in the next week or so, so that's good. sunday school is 2 weeks in, and going well - we have a full curriculum this year, so the planning takes less each week, and we are both joyful for that! and the parenting course i am co-leading at our church began this evening and went quite nicely if i do say so myself (and i do!).

james starts school wednesday, and we have our whole week's scheduled out for family/study/excersize/alone/household chores times. we are really going to try terribly hard to stick to it, because our whole system of both doing school at the same time is precariously resting on the tip of that schedule. we appreciate prayers in our favor ;)

hazel is busting out new sentences and thoughts daily, and cracks us up literally thousands of times a day. she insists that all of her dolls and stuffies need diaper changes about 6x each daily, so we are learning about pretending (because, really, who can afford wipes for 30 toys?!)

hope this catches you all up! more later!

"fings and sides"

as hazel says, or in english swings and slides :) so far today, we have had a girls day. i was getting stir crazy after all the packing i've been doing, so we first went to small threads for kids, our local consignment store we love. hazel wanted to play at the train table, so while she did that i browsed the fall clothing options. hazel doesn't need much, but she's so tall - and growing taller by the minute - i started looking in the 3T section. when i found a cute pair of pants, they seemed short, so i held them up to hazel, and yup - they certianly were, as were all the rest of the 3T options! I ended up buying her 4T size leggings! she's 2 years old people! aye-yi-yi!

then, after hazel was finished taking her baby doll and testing out all the excersaucers and baby swings, we went to the park. at the park we went to, there are 2 swings, and when we arrived, there were 2 moms pushing their 2 toddlers in the 2 swings. alright, fair enough. but hazel really loves a swing, so she went up to the moms and very politely said, "my fing, please." the mom's didn't even acknowledge her, so i said to her, "these kids are taking their turns on the swings, when their turn is over, it will be your turn and you can go on the swings." she said okay, and we went to play on the slides.

10, 15, and 20 minutes later, hazel went over to the swings again, and each time politely asked, "my fing, please?" and the mom's still ignored her (while in the meantime their kids riding in the swings looked comatose). so each time i said (louder and louder so the mom's were certian to hear), "it's not your turn yet honey, when their mom's decide their turn is up, you will get to swing."

15 minutes later (this means, total we had been waiting for a turn for 35 minutes!) the mom's packed up to leave the park, and hazel got her turn. but no sooner had she been swinging 3 minutes, did a family with 2 boys come and want to swing. so when the older boy asked hazel for a turn, we did the polite thing, took 10 more counted pushes, and our turn was up. sigh. hazel was a good sport though, she was so polite and friendly during the whole park experience.

so we left the park, got sandwiches and soup for lunch and picnic-ed in the backyard before naptime. after she wakes up, i think we might go for a dip in the pool..... for the most part, really fun morning :)

moving!

We are moving! Yup - to Bothell, and we are so excited!! We will be within 10 miles of so many people, places, and things that we travel the distance to now. We will be closer to James' school, church, friends, babysitters (!), and family.
There is much more! First, the apartment we are moving to has 3 bedrooms - which means we will have a study/guest room again - thank you jesus! And I can craft in there and maybe even leave my sewing machine out for longer than naptime. Next, James has started his own business, allied complete home and building repair through which he can work his multi-faceted magic and help pay our bills. He also got a massive scholarship to go to school full time, so his focus will be shifting back for a while (which will be good - he deserves a physical break). Also, I have applied for a Masters program. When the pieces all fall together I'll write more about it, but I'm VERY excited for it (and I may even start this fall - meaning next month!). Sigh. busy times, good times, healthy times, I can't wait!

I miscarried today. yup. it sucks.
the most difficult part of it to process is that both james and i seemed to know we wouldn't be meeting this baby, kinda from the beginning. and, even though i had been spotting on and off for the last 2 weeks, there had been no signs of it becoming this bad. yet, all day today, i had a feeling i would miscarry today. no extra spotting - in fact, no spotting at all for 2 1/2 days. i just woke up and thought, if it's going to happen, it will happen today - and it did. at 515pm. i saw it, james saw it, we are 100% sure. sheesh.
we are thinking we might bury it after hazel is asleep this evening. we may or may not start trying for another baby sooner than later. it takes a while to process, and every month i'm not pregnant, i start thinking what's wrong with me that this doesn't happen, and when i am pregnant, i am fearful of this.
i have been pregnant 3 times and have one child to show for it.
sheesh.

Life Just Got a Bit More Complicated....

.... we're having another baby join the colver clan sometime around the end of march 2010 <3

it's good, we're excited. this baby was mostly planned {meaning, we wanted to get pregnant, and weren't doing anything to avoid getting pregnant, but also knowing it would take a leap of faith and a lot of reworking out living space we weren't sure we were ready for}. there are some really great things happening for us now, too. not the least of which is that, since the state considers us low income, we get out WIC checks doubled, and all my prenatal health care is provided free of charge with my same doctor {whom i adore}. a little close to miraculous :)

so, even though it's SO early {i'm approx. 5 weeks along as i type this}, i have completed my research and declared the minimum/maximum necessities for the new little one and the family to be comfortable and ready. here they are in no particular order:

stokke trip trap high chair. we have one of these for hazel already, and it grows with the child from infant to adult while always being able to comfortable sit at the table with the whole family {no tray inbetween family and child}. yes, it does mean more mess on the floor, but the chair is wooden with no fabric, so we often take it outside to hose off, wipe it down with clorox wipes, or plop it in the shower to clean - in our opinion, much easier than washing fabric seating pads that look gnarly after 4 washes!

this it the joovy tandem stroller that is great for parents with infants and an older toddler. the front seat holds more than 5 different brands of infant carseats for early infancy, and the back has both a seat with a harness, and a standing platform with comfortable handles for your older toddler to use when they're tired of walking {or get put in a time-out for running away from you!}. it's ultra light, shorter than the average double stroller, under $200, and folds down almost as compactly as an umbrella stroller.

when hazel was almost through using bottles, the BPA studies came out, and the only gladd bottles you could find anywhere were the born free ones that were $17 PER BOTTLE! excuse me? way to make healthy living accessible, right? but now, there are numerous brands offering glass options, and these are the munchkin ones - that come with these adorable silicone sleeves to keep them from breaking when dropped from a stroller {or tired mommies fingers in the middle of the night}. did i mention we bouthe 3 born free bottles for hazel and she let one slip from her stroller at a coffee shop {full of fresh steamed milk} and it shattered, covering the floor with tiny, lethal shards of glass and a full 10 ounces of warm, sticky milk. these munchkin glass bottles will save mommies the embarassment of asking for a mop while their kid is screaming for more milk and every other hip seattle coffee shop customer looks on like you're a psycho mom who doesn't know how to control her kid!

g diapers are awesome. especially because you can use their disposable inserts OR cloth diapers. the inserts are a small fortune, but the covers are super nice - breathable, good coverage, fairly leak proof, and did i mention adorable? we weren't able to use cloth diapers for hazel since she would get a nasty fire engine red rash within minutes of wearing one. hopefully new baby will tolerate enviromentally friendly options a little better then big sister :)

and, of course, we will need another bed. the crib hazel used is convertible, and she's using it as a toddler bed right now. so we will get her a seperate toddler bed and use the crib for the baby. the kiddos will be sharing a room, so space wise, this is the best option, until the baby is ready to start using a bed {hazel will probally be around age 5, baby around 2ish}, and we'll do twin bunk beds with hazel on top of course :)

other then those things, we will need a few clothes, hand-me-downs from friends, consignment shops, etc. it's nice to be able to do this and not lose a fortune. wish us luck!

total rant {ignore if you love your siblings}

my sister is 3 years younger than i am, and she's bipolar. i understand very well that this is a chemical imbalance and she needs meds to keep her balanced and healthy, and the typical case {which also happens to be hers} is when the patient feels good, they no longer feel the need for meds, so they stop taking them, and the imbalance takes over - often causing them to lose their job, not be able to get a new job, they struggle with money {overspend what they don't have and not understand that there isn't any left to spend anyhow} and generally are so damn rude they alienate themselves from anyone or anything that loves them and are all alone and depressed in a vicious unemployeed fund-less cycle that leaves everyone in shambles until somehow - without job or money or insurance, the patient can get back on their meds and start the healthy cycle again.

like i said, my sister is 3 years younger than me, and she is just my sister - i am not her parent, so there is not a whole lot i can do. she was also a middle child, and we weren't too close growing up - though i did regularly defend her bad judgments and blame others for her "responsive" behaviors, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt i probably shouldn't have - so now that she's at the end of a mean, nasty cycle, i should be happy things will start to look up, right?

but this one was so bad! she spent the last 2 years stealing from and getting fired from 3 jobs {good jobs}, living with a guy who no one knew and not letting anyone get to know him so that she could continuously say the family didn't like him and oh, aren't we the judgers? she may even have married him, though no one really knows because, did i mention before that my sister is a total compulsive lier!? {most recently, she is moaning all over facebook that she got such a bad sunburn because she didn't put on sunscreen she was allergic to - how interesting that she never was allergic to a damn thing before, but now she can pump her skin chokfull of tatoo ink, her face covered in non-natural make-up, and her strawberry red hair has been 14 different chemically induced colors in the last 5 months, not to mention coated with product 1000x worse for your body than anything in good old spf 50 on a daily basis, but who am i to judge? maybe she's suddenly become allergic to sunscreen this week....}

in this apartment she lived in with her "husband" who at the very least emotionally abused her {oh, and on at least one occasion threw rocks at her new, not fully paid for car when he was ass drunk}, she let who even knows how many other people live in non-leased, and ruined the carpet, didn't get any deposit money help, barely ever got rent from, didn't help with move out cleaning, and whatever else. all the while, who footed the bill, not my sister that's for damn sure.

now, as recently as this month, her lease ended and she moved back in with my 20 yo brother and my parents. she has started a new job which is good, right? but she seems to think that it's okay to treat our parents like landlords or packmules or bed and breakfast staffers without PAYING A GODDAMNED DIME FOR ANY OF IT! everyone in that house has to tiptoe around her for fear of "waking the bipolar beast" she is, and just take it from her. let me tell you a little about today....

today was a holiday. the whole family was off of work, and my brother asked my husband to go car shopping with him, so my daughter and i went with him to my parents house and we stayed the day visiting and being friendly with grandma and grandpa and maybe auntie, too {note: auntie is consistant at complaining that we never tell her when we are going to visit so that she never gets time to bond with her niece, and isn't it so sad when said niece runs and hugs uncle around the knees, but doesn't know what to do when auntie comes in the room? totally said niece's mom's fault, right? take it for the team mom...}. where is auntie. in her den. on facebook. writing and posting all kinds of nasty crap about how this house is killing her, and she needs to get out of it, and people here are so anti-her. does she climb out of her den at all? um, for a total of 15 minutes to eat a little food alone in the kitchen when we were there 8 hours.

i'm so seriously over this. i know i might regret this later, but i just want to be done with her. she hurts me everytime i try to be open. i really am one of the least judgy people {though this ran't doesn't proove that at all} and i want to be a support to her, but not a crutch. she abuses everything that is positive in her path and i am over it. i am so sad for my parents, that they have to take this from her. they're in a position they can't maneuver out of because of loving concern for their child, but man, i do not envy them one bit.

Random Assortment.....

Hi there, it's been a crazy couple of weeks - with a few more coming. Origionally, I thought that I would be so thrilled when May was over, thinking that June would be a much more mellow start to a lazy summer. Inaccurate to say the least. A month has never been so full!

Tomorrow, we have 3 {yes, that's correct three!} birthday parties to go to. And to make matters slightly more difficult, James has a massive sidejob to do and H and I will be partying alone. yikes!

However, these pictures share with you all the silver lining that comes with those parties tomorrow.

I love - repeat, LOVE wrapping presents. There is something quite theraputic to me, when the finding, choosing, and purchasing of a gift for someone can be stressful, wrapping it ever so specifically for the special someone is relaxing for me. Thank Jesus for this opportunity to relax during the month of June!

And, the first party is a princess dress up party, and H is completely excited. She picked out this dress at Target especially for the party { way to go H - it was mom's personal favorite, and the least expensive!}

Next week, we are going to visit family in CA {I know, in june - are we crazy?!} for 5 days, then it will be on to the finishing touches for H's 2nd birthday. Wow....

More coming, hopefully sooner than later!

The Coolest Cheap Home Improvement Project EVER

So this lady drew her own wallpaper. I cann't believe how cool this is (and that I've never thought of it myself!) It's so fantastic, I'm lurking all around my condo trying to find a place I could give it a try. Needless to say, I WILL be trying this in whatever house we eventually move into. See her amazing pics here.

Chocolate

I've determined that my problem is not sugar in itself - it's chocolate. I, quite simply, cannot function without it.
I have tried staying home for entire days with my child, and if the chocolate bus starts buzzing - satisfying it with greek yogurt and honey, or a popsicle, or whatever else kind of sweet is in the house. But by the end of the day, I'm like a crack addict without her crack and I'm spending the whole late afternoon/evening trying to come up with an excuse to go to the store and get some.
Many days, that there is no chocolate to eat is a good enough excuse.
So, here's what I'm thinking. Keep chocolate in the house. Sounds easy and terrifying, right? What if I do it this way....
I jones for my fix especially during H's naptime and in the evening after she's asleep. So, what if I allow myself a bit (no really, a bit - I can't honestly allow myself a whole # each time, can I?!) at both of those times. I can buy a bar (or whatever) a day, and split it between those two times with a gigantic glass of water. What do you all think? Can I make it work, appreciate the tiny indulgence to prevent the monster addictive binges? Thoughts?

new blog

I spent the whole day today putting together a new blog for a project I do for my church. If you're curious, you are more than welcome to check it out at:

faithfulthoughtsforparentsoftots.blogspot.com

thanks ;)

So Proud!

I just made this crayon roll for H! I'm not a seamstress {yet!} but thanks to soulemama and her book The_Creative_Family I was able to trust myself in making this simple yet fabulous piece!

what a day

Well, since I've been up since 5:55 this morning, still haven't had any coffee, my toddler keeps yelling nonsense at me while banging on the piano, and it's pouring outside, I thought I'd share my 2 new favorite items with you. I've only seen these pictures, not the fabulous items in person, but they calm me regardless. The top is a pillow from anthropologie and the next is a quilt some wonderful person made. Don't they make you want to snuggle up with them and ignore anything other then their georgousness?

me, too.

it's like New Post night!

This evening I've been reading a bunch of back-blogs by this woman Anna_Marie_Horner. She sounds so cool! She's a mother of 5 (with #6 due this week) and she is an awesome fabric designer { see her cool stuff here}. Anyway, going through her last 3 months of posts, I was inspired to pull out my fabric bag and do this:So it's not magic or anything, just reminding my boring living room that I love patterns and color. I've been playing around with the idea of making new covers for some of the throw pillows (I know it's easy to buy new pillows, but I just need to honor James' hard work by sticking to a budget - plus, it's dentist time for me again, and I'll need the $). So anyhow, here's one way to visually remind myself who I am, and what I appreciate :)

These are wee wonderful dolls, a downloadable PDF pattern you can purchase for $15 here . They are so freaking adorable, and I really really want to get the patterns and make some for H. The file includes patterns for 3 different dolls, 4 outfits for them, and a pair of shoes. You can make them however you want - with the same eye and hair color of their little owners, with adorable dresses you'd wear yourself (if you had a 6" waist). I think they're great. You can see different ones people have made here.