a new year is near.....

and thank god for that! we are ready to move on out of 2009, and hopefully 2010 will be nice and mellow - meaning no high highs or low lows. james says one of his resolutions is going to be learning how to forgive more easily. one of mine is going to be learning how to feel thankful more easily.

i may or may not have mentioned this before, but i don't like clutter. james and i particularly favor the stark, danish modern asthetic of minimalism/bohemian, ethnic accents - but you would not know that by visiting our house. part of it is that we don't have a house, we have an apartment, and it's hard to hide things well in a smaller space. another part is that hazel has stuff she likes to use (duh) and toddlers notoriously leave their stuff all over. i am trying to remedy this in a couple of ways for the new year. one way is by getting rid of a ton of stuff that is completely unnecessary (we don't have a baby, why do we need a box full of pacifiers hazel didn't even use? seriously, if/when the time comes, i can get more then). another way is this:

i, somewhat lamely, realized that we have 2 linen closets in this apartment - one of which is at the end of our hall. so, in my new years resolution attempt to keep my home clutter (and toddler strewn toy) free, i have made this closet the toy closet. hazel's rule has, for the most part, been play with a toy, when you're done, put it away, play with another toy. but recently, her toys have gotten messier (it was a duplo christmas if you know what i mean) and 1 toy doesn't seem to equal 1 doll - it's 1 whole 15 piece doctor's kit, or 1 whole box of crayons and a coloring book. and, as many of you understand, toddlers attention spans typically are shorter than a fly's memory and soon you are tripping over duplos, crayons, and stethescopes all on the same floor. sigh.

so, here is my attempt at restoring order. there is a strategically placed toddler doorknob lock (which thankfully hazel still hasn't mastered the art of geting past yet!) on this toy closet door. if she wants a new toy to play with, she has to pick up the previous toy - and she can't get a new one until i open the door to get it for her. yes, i understand this might relate into me getting off my butt every 4 1/2 minutes to get a new toy out, but it also might foster an enjoyment in playing with something for hazel that many kids surrounded by multiple toys all the time can't create. have you ever seen kids in nurserys with toddler ADD running from toy to toy so scared they might not be able to play with them all if they don't play with them all at the same time? hopefully this will result is real imagination time with dolls or blocks, or complete pictures drawn with crayons.......

so, think it'll work? i hope so. next pre-new-years-step is to seriously kick the study/office's butt into submission so both james and i feel comfortable getting our stuff done in there. that room is a manly mess. here i go!

what does the word done mean anyway?

sunday the 13th is the day we went to the hospital to deliver ian, and it was the day he was delivered. monday the 14th was the day we thought i delivered the placenta, but opps - my body wasn't done. it waited for 3 days of recovery until it choose to let us know it was even still there, and not going to miraculously reenter my system and disappear. thanks! so, thursday night i barely slept due to discomfort, and friday the 18th, i had a d&c to remove it (evidently my placenta changed its mind midway and tried to hide again, but we knew it was there and couldn't stay hidden forever!). so this post is to ask, what did i mean when i thought i was 'done'? i suppose i meant physically, since i know the emotional part of this is going to be difficult and long lasting. i regularly think about how fast i have recouperated, physically, from any issues i've had, and realize i'm lucky, and many people have just one physical issue that turns into a life long nightmare. the fact that i am feeling relatively fine just 3 days after a surgical procedure is pretty amazing. i guess i just need to tell my mind to stop complaining. i mean, is there anything else that could happen as a result of the events of last week? i dunno, but i'm not going to say i'm done........

whadda ya think?

when noah died, james went out and bought me my first piece of tiffany jewelry. this locket. we put noah's footprints in it. as i was browsing etsy this evening, i ran across this stamped disc, and thought, wouldn't it look nice with ian's name hanging on the same chain as noah's prints? and what about a tiny pearl drop to symbolize the miscarriage i had before ian? hmm..... it seems like i might be in the market for a christmas gift for myself........

Dear Ian Joseph,

your delivery story goes like this. sunday december 13th, your dad and i went into overlake hospital's childbirth center. dr spence gave me a drug specific to this type of delivery that helped my uterus to contract and my cervix to dialate at 9:30 in the morning. i did not feel pain, just discomfort as i began to have uterine cramps. dr spence gave me a gift of a pewter coin with an angel carved into it to hold in my hand for comfort. the nurses we had, heather, and bonnie, were so loving and helpful and, since they did not have to monitor your wellbeing, they let your dad and i relax and watch a bunch of arrested development episodes on the tv. dr spence came around fairly often, and hung out with dad and i - she's really cool, and a good friend to our family, and every 4 hours she she'd give me another dose of the induction medicine. around 6:30pm, i was getting fairly uncomfortable, so i let my nurse heather give me 2 mg of morphine. that stuff is intense, but it helped me relax. i was due to get another dose of induction medicine at 9:30pm, but at 9:15, you spontaneously arrived, when dr spence had gone home and the nurses were not in the room. i called to your dad to get them, and bonnie came and removed you from the room to clean you up. dr spence rushed back, and we tried to deliver the placenta, but my cervix had reclosed itself, so i got another dose of induction medicine, as well as morphine, and waited. in the meantime, bonnie and dr spence cleaned and examined you. your dad was sad, so he left the room so i could see you again (i accidently saw you when you were just delivered). bonnie brought you in to me wrapped up in this blanket.you were so tiny, and i was so sad to see you not breathing that i didn't hold you long - only about 30 seconds. long enough to see your tiny toes, and your tiny fingers. long enough to see your cheeks and eyelids, and little ribcage peeking out from under your skin. you were so tiny. 5 1/2 inches tall, and 1.6 ounces. your cord was wrapped around your neck fairly tight. i think that's what made me uncomfortable, so i said thank you to god for letting me hold you, like i couldn't do with your siblings, said goodbye to you, and handed you back to bonnie.

at 1am, i finished delivering the placenta, and your dad and i slept until 8:30am, with hourly interuptions from bonnie to check my temperature and blood pressure. the hospital gave us a memory box with your blanket in it, as well as a few cards with your prints on them. here are your tiny foot, toe, and hand prints.at 11am, dr spence had us discharged, and your dad and i went to the church to meet pr katy. she had a nice long chat with us, and we held a liturgy thanking god for you, asking god to be with us in our greiving, and to care for you. pr katy annointed my hands that held you, and your dad's hands that will hold you eventually. we cried, and we mourned not being able to watch you grow up. we believe that you are happy, playing with your brother noah, your friend gabriel habostad, and your other sibling. we can't wait to see you again, and hold you close in our hearts until that happens. we love you Ian, SO much.

Love, mom

tomorrow

this is how 'tall' my baby will be when/if i get to see him or her tomorrow. the length of a ballpoint pen. i have not begun processing. it has been a very busy month, and we have had the spend the last few days preparing multiple other things for what is to come. i may or may not blog to process - james has asked that i do, but i don't know yet. but as for this minute, i know that hazel has a great place to stay and enjoy the next day or 2, we have insurance, so we won't have to pay out of pocket hospital expenses, and this is going to happen tomorrow. which begins in a few hours. which is probally why i'm starting to get anxious, not knowing what is really going to happen. i don't know if i will have to dialate completely, if the baby will be 'pleasant' to look at, if i will tear, if i will lactate, or if i will suddenly get overwhelmed by it all and either panic and push myself too hard, or completely give up trying. i don't know if i will be able to allow myself to feel anything, or if i will put on a face for the nurses. like i said, i have not been processing, i have been avoiding, and i think i like it here.....

however, we have chosen names. and if appropriate, we will take pictures. we weren't allowed to see noah, and i still really struggle with his death because i didn't feel closure. i would not say i was a visual person, in that i need to see something to believe it, but my miscarriage this summer was a really healthy and healing experience of grief and closure. i actually hope that by delivering this child, we will have a better chance at that type of closure. it would be wonderful to have closure as beautiful as this:

i mean, we could - the size of a sweet potato, the crown to rump length of a ballpoint pen.....