I miscarried today. yup. it sucks.
the most difficult part of it to process is that both james and i seemed to know we wouldn't be meeting this baby, kinda from the beginning. and, even though i had been spotting on and off for the last 2 weeks, there had been no signs of it becoming this bad. yet, all day today, i had a feeling i would miscarry today. no extra spotting - in fact, no spotting at all for 2 1/2 days. i just woke up and thought, if it's going to happen, it will happen today - and it did. at 515pm. i saw it, james saw it, we are 100% sure. sheesh.
we are thinking we might bury it after hazel is asleep this evening. we may or may not start trying for another baby sooner than later. it takes a while to process, and every month i'm not pregnant, i start thinking what's wrong with me that this doesn't happen, and when i am pregnant, i am fearful of this.
i have been pregnant 3 times and have one child to show for it.
sheesh.

Life Just Got a Bit More Complicated....

.... we're having another baby join the colver clan sometime around the end of march 2010 <3

it's good, we're excited. this baby was mostly planned {meaning, we wanted to get pregnant, and weren't doing anything to avoid getting pregnant, but also knowing it would take a leap of faith and a lot of reworking out living space we weren't sure we were ready for}. there are some really great things happening for us now, too. not the least of which is that, since the state considers us low income, we get out WIC checks doubled, and all my prenatal health care is provided free of charge with my same doctor {whom i adore}. a little close to miraculous :)

so, even though it's SO early {i'm approx. 5 weeks along as i type this}, i have completed my research and declared the minimum/maximum necessities for the new little one and the family to be comfortable and ready. here they are in no particular order:

stokke trip trap high chair. we have one of these for hazel already, and it grows with the child from infant to adult while always being able to comfortable sit at the table with the whole family {no tray inbetween family and child}. yes, it does mean more mess on the floor, but the chair is wooden with no fabric, so we often take it outside to hose off, wipe it down with clorox wipes, or plop it in the shower to clean - in our opinion, much easier than washing fabric seating pads that look gnarly after 4 washes!

this it the joovy tandem stroller that is great for parents with infants and an older toddler. the front seat holds more than 5 different brands of infant carseats for early infancy, and the back has both a seat with a harness, and a standing platform with comfortable handles for your older toddler to use when they're tired of walking {or get put in a time-out for running away from you!}. it's ultra light, shorter than the average double stroller, under $200, and folds down almost as compactly as an umbrella stroller.

when hazel was almost through using bottles, the BPA studies came out, and the only gladd bottles you could find anywhere were the born free ones that were $17 PER BOTTLE! excuse me? way to make healthy living accessible, right? but now, there are numerous brands offering glass options, and these are the munchkin ones - that come with these adorable silicone sleeves to keep them from breaking when dropped from a stroller {or tired mommies fingers in the middle of the night}. did i mention we bouthe 3 born free bottles for hazel and she let one slip from her stroller at a coffee shop {full of fresh steamed milk} and it shattered, covering the floor with tiny, lethal shards of glass and a full 10 ounces of warm, sticky milk. these munchkin glass bottles will save mommies the embarassment of asking for a mop while their kid is screaming for more milk and every other hip seattle coffee shop customer looks on like you're a psycho mom who doesn't know how to control her kid!

g diapers are awesome. especially because you can use their disposable inserts OR cloth diapers. the inserts are a small fortune, but the covers are super nice - breathable, good coverage, fairly leak proof, and did i mention adorable? we weren't able to use cloth diapers for hazel since she would get a nasty fire engine red rash within minutes of wearing one. hopefully new baby will tolerate enviromentally friendly options a little better then big sister :)

and, of course, we will need another bed. the crib hazel used is convertible, and she's using it as a toddler bed right now. so we will get her a seperate toddler bed and use the crib for the baby. the kiddos will be sharing a room, so space wise, this is the best option, until the baby is ready to start using a bed {hazel will probally be around age 5, baby around 2ish}, and we'll do twin bunk beds with hazel on top of course :)

other then those things, we will need a few clothes, hand-me-downs from friends, consignment shops, etc. it's nice to be able to do this and not lose a fortune. wish us luck!

total rant {ignore if you love your siblings}

my sister is 3 years younger than i am, and she's bipolar. i understand very well that this is a chemical imbalance and she needs meds to keep her balanced and healthy, and the typical case {which also happens to be hers} is when the patient feels good, they no longer feel the need for meds, so they stop taking them, and the imbalance takes over - often causing them to lose their job, not be able to get a new job, they struggle with money {overspend what they don't have and not understand that there isn't any left to spend anyhow} and generally are so damn rude they alienate themselves from anyone or anything that loves them and are all alone and depressed in a vicious unemployeed fund-less cycle that leaves everyone in shambles until somehow - without job or money or insurance, the patient can get back on their meds and start the healthy cycle again.

like i said, my sister is 3 years younger than me, and she is just my sister - i am not her parent, so there is not a whole lot i can do. she was also a middle child, and we weren't too close growing up - though i did regularly defend her bad judgments and blame others for her "responsive" behaviors, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt i probably shouldn't have - so now that she's at the end of a mean, nasty cycle, i should be happy things will start to look up, right?

but this one was so bad! she spent the last 2 years stealing from and getting fired from 3 jobs {good jobs}, living with a guy who no one knew and not letting anyone get to know him so that she could continuously say the family didn't like him and oh, aren't we the judgers? she may even have married him, though no one really knows because, did i mention before that my sister is a total compulsive lier!? {most recently, she is moaning all over facebook that she got such a bad sunburn because she didn't put on sunscreen she was allergic to - how interesting that she never was allergic to a damn thing before, but now she can pump her skin chokfull of tatoo ink, her face covered in non-natural make-up, and her strawberry red hair has been 14 different chemically induced colors in the last 5 months, not to mention coated with product 1000x worse for your body than anything in good old spf 50 on a daily basis, but who am i to judge? maybe she's suddenly become allergic to sunscreen this week....}

in this apartment she lived in with her "husband" who at the very least emotionally abused her {oh, and on at least one occasion threw rocks at her new, not fully paid for car when he was ass drunk}, she let who even knows how many other people live in non-leased, and ruined the carpet, didn't get any deposit money help, barely ever got rent from, didn't help with move out cleaning, and whatever else. all the while, who footed the bill, not my sister that's for damn sure.

now, as recently as this month, her lease ended and she moved back in with my 20 yo brother and my parents. she has started a new job which is good, right? but she seems to think that it's okay to treat our parents like landlords or packmules or bed and breakfast staffers without PAYING A GODDAMNED DIME FOR ANY OF IT! everyone in that house has to tiptoe around her for fear of "waking the bipolar beast" she is, and just take it from her. let me tell you a little about today....

today was a holiday. the whole family was off of work, and my brother asked my husband to go car shopping with him, so my daughter and i went with him to my parents house and we stayed the day visiting and being friendly with grandma and grandpa and maybe auntie, too {note: auntie is consistant at complaining that we never tell her when we are going to visit so that she never gets time to bond with her niece, and isn't it so sad when said niece runs and hugs uncle around the knees, but doesn't know what to do when auntie comes in the room? totally said niece's mom's fault, right? take it for the team mom...}. where is auntie. in her den. on facebook. writing and posting all kinds of nasty crap about how this house is killing her, and she needs to get out of it, and people here are so anti-her. does she climb out of her den at all? um, for a total of 15 minutes to eat a little food alone in the kitchen when we were there 8 hours.

i'm so seriously over this. i know i might regret this later, but i just want to be done with her. she hurts me everytime i try to be open. i really am one of the least judgy people {though this ran't doesn't proove that at all} and i want to be a support to her, but not a crutch. she abuses everything that is positive in her path and i am over it. i am so sad for my parents, that they have to take this from her. they're in a position they can't maneuver out of because of loving concern for their child, but man, i do not envy them one bit.