hazelbean

new post

2012-01-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

new post up on contentedlychaotic.blogspot.com

come follow me there!
liz

FYI

2011-11-28T13:47:00.001-08:00

Just an FYI to all you remaining followers out there - I've moved blog addresses to contentedlychaotic.blogspot.com so come follow me there!
Liz

contentedly chaotic

2011-09-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

hello friends and followers! now that baby has been born healthy and happy, i realized it's no longer appropriate to have a blog titled hazelbeansmommie. so - this will be the last posting at this blog address! my new one is here:

contentedlychaotic.blogspot.com

please move your following to that page, as I will be posting about multiple things - family, life, home, school, sewing, etc. as well as a reason for choosing the name we gave baby boy!

i'll be looking for you there!
cheers!

still alive...

2011-07-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

yes, i am still alive. it has been a CRAZY couple of months - mostly good crazy, or not too tragic crazy, but crazy nonetheless. i have one more week of intensive summer class and then i'm SAHM again til January :) during that time i can blog more about our new house, and the things i'll be sewing/knitting for this baby boy before he comes!
see you then!

more baby

2011-05-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

this baby has been kicking me all day. don't get me wrong, i'm NOT complaining - i love being kicked as much as they like after 20 weeks, it's sanity saving for me, but really? do they have to be so constant? how about once an hour instead of once every 2 minutes? lol

we have a name for baby boy that we're both really happy with (don't worry, you won't find out til everyone else does the day he shows up!), and are getting settled into the idea this is likely going to happen. we moved Beans room over to the room i had thought would be my study, but the layout makes it more simple to have both kiddos in it with the least amount of newly needed furniture.

the husband is finishing up his undergrad work. he will be graduating with honors from our top state university in under a month. his entire family will be staying with us for his graduation and party, so i'm trying to set things up so that visit will be smooth. moving in just a few months ago, i feel like we're really living nicely here, but there are a few necessities to get completed before family stays. Like getting a sleeper sofa for the study. and putting grass (well, moss is what we've chosen to go for in our PNW home) in the front yard. and write all my papers, do all my projects, and ace my spring quarter with baby boy kicking me 3x a minute....

is it july yet?

a bunch of updates...

2011-04-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

it has been a busy few weeks around here. the neighbors have all made comments about how much we have done in the less than 2 months we've been here (we've been in our new house for 6 weeks!). we have completely unpacked, had 3 trees dropped (2 dead ones and a super tall, sewer clogging dangerous one), installed new heat-pump water heating and furnace systems, had a whole new fence built, had a housewarming party, overlapped 3 spring breaks, and started new quarters for the whole family. phew! i'm tired just thinking about it. and oh yeah, i'm also growing a person from scratch. that's exhausting, too. here are some pictures of recent events:

james turned 32. Bean and I decorated (see the penants over the window?) and baked his favorite birthday cake - his mom's boston cream pie recipe. he wasn't too excited about is birthday, but we tried to make it special and he enjoyed himself :)

Bean posing for a belly shot with mama. this is from 3 weeks ago. i guess 5 pregnancies really pops you quick, since i was only 13 or so weeks then.... oh yea, it's a brother for Bean :)

i have never been good at keeping living plants. but we are going to give it a good strong try at our new home. here are the planters Bean and i planted lettuce (in 2 of them), radishes, and carrots in.

this one is from today - the first super-lovely day of PNW spring. Bean insisted on having a picnic lunch, so I cheerfully agreed. you can see a bit of our new fence behind her.

here's a shot of our currently barren front yard. Bean has a swing hanging from that cedar, and the stump is from the monster tree we dropped. some guys are going to remove it (hopefully) this weekend. we are hoping to replace it with a fruit tree, placed on the far side of that smallish rhodie so it doesn't block the sewer pipes like the birch did ( that stump is directly centered over the pipe. grrr). and probably some blueberry bushes and peas will grow in the front, too. this house has crazy full sun all day in the front and back yards, so hopefully that will be a good thing?!?

another shot of the gross looking front yard. we've got our work cut out for us! lol

here's a birds-eye sketch of what we want to do to the yard. the white is the concrete porch, and the green at the top and side of the pic will be stepable moss so we don't have to mow, with large places for berries, a fruit tree, beans, and other fun edible things. under the cedar you can see Beans swing, and we want to put a sandbox (with a cover for the cat-concerned readers ;-) ) and possibly a playhouse type thing under it, too.

hope you enjoyed our little life tour. we sure are enjoying that it is our life :)

it's been a crazy journey

2011-03-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

i have been lax in blogging, and for that i appologize. i really do like doing this, and i plan to get 'regular' again. but life has been crazy, i think i mentioned in a recent previous post. moving and school and life gets us all caught up and once the Bean is in bed, all i can think of doing it laying down on the couch and zonking out in front of something trashy. i haven't knit in for.ev.er, and even though i got a brand-spankin-new sewing machine a few weeks ago, i have only really made one thing (curtains for the Beans new room). but there is another reason i've been exhausted. i'm knocked up (again, i know - lol). this time i'm considered high risk and have multiple doctors monitoring my pregnancy, and i'm on daily injected blood thinner and baby aspirin, plus 5 folic acid pills and every other pregnancy vitamin we all take when necessary. i'm due mid-September, so i'm hopefully out of the weeds as far as morning sickness goes, but we all know how my history doesn't mean i'm out of the weeds for safety for a while yet. anyhow, we're having a housewarming/birthday party this weekend, and many friends didn't know yet. since i'm showing - looking obviously pregnant, we felt it wasn't worth it to wait til i was birthing the baby to say, hey! look who's coming! lol
so there's the scoop.
cheers!

holy schmoly!

2011-03-07T18:11:00.000-08:00

we have been just as the last post said: busy, busy, busy. to the point of unbelievably so. however, some lovely things have been happening that i can hopefully share with you all in a bit. for now, here's a decently-rounded chunk of news.

we moved. into a house. better yet, our house :) i guess i need to take a street view shot one of these days, but i did manage to take a few after hanging some art yesterday. here's our upstairs hallway (camera angled from the stair landing). we.love.it.here. seriously. the first night sleeping under this new-to-us roof, surrounded by boxes of inaccessible belongings, we truly felt like we were home. it was amazing. we are still reeling from the speed at which this happened - at the time of the last post, we thought we would be moving in, but a bunch of back and forth stuff made it so that we were unsure we would be able to officially get the house until 1 week before we were due to close - which led to a crazy week of packing, setting up help, cleaning our apartment and giving notice, and more. enough more, actually, to push dear james' immune system over the edge and we had a midnight ER run to learn he had pneumonia 3 days before the move!
needless to say, life has been chaotic, but wonderfully full of delight and much wanted/needed changes, and we are looking forward to our collective 'spring breaks.'
as i settle into the regularity of a routine again here, i will be better at posting again - pictures of settled corners included :)
thanks for hanging with me!

busy, busy, busy...

2011-01-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

woohoo! the holidays were fantastic here, but we're so glad they're over!! not that it means there's time for resting. james and beans classes started this week and i have a weekend class this coming saturday/sunday, and monday i leave for a 2 week j-term class in south carolina. to top it all off, there will be a lovely treat for us at the end of this busy first month of the year................

a new house.
yup, we are buying a house and the offer has been accepted. pending the inspection, we could be sitting with our coffee in a lovely house with a large front yard in 6 weeks!!

yipee!!

giving rhyme

2010-12-07T16:09:00.000-08:00

i heard this rhyme today and thought it was neat. it was from a mom with 5 kids who used to get overwhelmed with the holidays and gift buying, until she began using this rhyme to moniter her over-purchasing, and give the kids equal presents...

something to wear, something to read, something you want, something you need

do any of you have a rhyme or rule that helps you manage keeping the holidays reigned in? this year we are REALLY trying to keep it small and pleasant for Bean, but i'm already finding things to return because i found something cooler somewhere else! aiyiyi!

cryin' like a babe

2010-12-06T11:30:00.000-08:00

my sewing machine is broken.

i'm going to take it in tomorrow.

thank goodness my mom has an extra machine i can borrow.

because i have LOTS of things to sew before Christmas.

i hope it can be fixed becuase i was just getting used to how it works.

but it's an old machine, and a piece fell out all cracked, and i think it may be dead.

sigh.

so today i'll knit, and clean, tidy and scrub corners of the house like it's spring.

and not sew.

double sigh.

houses

2010-12-04T09:28:00.000-08:00

while browsing around for homes (we're looking to officially buy in January after our taxes are done), i thought to look around my university for fun, (and unaffordable) places - though we will probably NEVER live in seattle - the school district is awful, and james hates driving there. anyhow, i ran across this home with Tiger Bamboo floors. Do you love them as much as me? i think i've fallen in love....

poor emotional health day

2010-12-02T14:19:00.000-08:00

if any of you think of it, send me some thoughts and prayers - we're coming up on a year since my last pregnancy loss and i'm having a strangly tearful day. i think i've done an "excellent" job repressing my feelings about it, and covering up with other stressors and activities, and now that the quarter is over, i'm remembering last winter break, and how non-peaceful it was. we have (finally) jumped into grief therapy, and that will be helpful/painful for a while. anyhow.... if you think of it....

liberation theology paper

2010-11-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

Some of you expressed interest in the paper I was writing for my Theologies of Liberation class. Here it is, for you to enjoy. If you are interested, my good friend wrote an EXCELLENT paper on God's sexuality, and a critique of queer theology, and posted it on her blog here.

__________________________________________________________________________________

The challenges my albeit short life has brought me have required me to develop a highly minimalistic theology of God and God’s interactions with the world. While I originally took this perspective as a way to both deny myself of a need for God, as well as provide God an out for not saving me from my trials, it has grown to be an a truly faith saving theology. For my redeeming theology over the past four years has been this: God is Love, and God is found wherever Love is felt or expressed. What may appear as too minimalistic is really marking a way for theology to be all encompassing and inclusive. Until taking this course of Theologies of Liberation, I had felt alone in my single-phrase expression of faith. Teaching Sunday school, and attending seminary while holding tightly to this miniscule seed of trusting faith felt farcical to me. However, upon reading the liberating reality of Sallie McFague’s metaphorical theology, as well as Kelly Brown Douglas’s and James B. Nelson’s womanist and sexual theologies respectively, I felt undeniably liberated by newfound models of God. I now have the language I couldn’t express myself, and feel renewed and strengthened in my journey to know God and know myself.

I am a young, white, married, life-long church going mother and small business owner who has spent many years being uncomfortable with the seeming tangibility Christianity tries to market to my advantaged “type.” While my visible social location is coated in privileges – some earned, most not, I have never been a comfortable Christian. Even as a cradle progressive Lutheran, being fed with compassionate readings from Scripture on how to care for the marginalized, there has always been a disconnect between the ideas and chatter we have about loving the unloved within our Euro-American congregations, and the conscious choices I saw being made to live in comfort rather than the solidarity with the other. It was easy to be a Lutheran Christian because no one I knew was struggling openly with anything that prayer wouldn’t make “feel better,” or even solve for them. However, when in my adult life, I experienced multiple personal tragedies that led me to know loss and grief beyond that which I had ever believed possible; I learned that my tradition of prayer and ‘it will be okay’ statements was more hurtful than helpful.

Through my rediscovery of self and my Lutheran roots, I soon realized that a masculine Father God, talk of answered prayers, and a ‘just have faith’ trust was a stumbling block for many besides myself. I needed a God who was struggling alongside me, who knew my sorrow and longing for relief, who was present in my joy and met me in all the raw honesty of my self. Truthfully, what I needed to know the most was that, after all of my body trauma, I was still an embodied creation of God, and it was not wrong that I could only believe that during expressions of my sexuality. This paper will include insights from sexual, womanist, metaphorical, and eco-theologies that will help emphasize the underlying and connective thread that God is bigger and greater than any of our power structures can comprehend. God IS present and God IS love.

Dr. Sallie McFague’s theology is metaphorical. While it has evolved into including, and even focusing on Christian ecological responsibility, the root of her perspective is that God is bigger and more indescribable than we can accurately comprehend. The only way humanity can even attempt to grasp concepts and truths about what and who God is, is by utilizing metaphors - a word or phrase which belongs properly in one context but is being used to hopefully benefit the understanding of another. McFague reminds us that “when we hear a fresh metaphor, our imaginations are immediately sparked. (McFague 1987, 33)” We can’t help but think of the possibilities opened by the new image, and our realities shift. This is a profound way to relook at theology and refashion who God is and therefore, what God means to humanity and creation.

To envision theology as metaphorical means to identify metaphors and models from contemporary experience that will express Christian faith for our day in powerful and illuminating ways. This provides the opportunity to know that images and realities of God are not sacredly placed in a theological box for patriarchal Christianity to dole out when it deems appropriate. There is a freedom in McFague’s theology that allows us to find our own expressions of Love and Reality. According to McFague, we are in an unprecedented situation, a post-Christian world, and we cannot –nor should we, accept currency from former times as our truth (McFague 1987, 31). Metaphorical Theology is necessary for the understanding of the interconnected relationship between God and the world, and how that relationship addresses our current/present day situations.

The major assumption of metaphorical theology is that all talk of God is indirect: no words or phrases can actually refer directly to God because nothing is accurate enough. God-language can only be understood through the detour of a metaphor that properly belongs elsewhere (McFague 1987, 34). This is an enormous risk to our sensibilities, and a risk many Christians are unwilling to take with their ideas of God. But the rub is that many other people find it hard to believe in God at all because Christians struggle to give them any imaginative pictures of the way God and the world as they know it are related (McFague 1987, 31). Particularly in the Pacific Northwest, Christianity is associated (and in my opinion, deservedly so) with the curse of black and white thinking. For people who witness and experience the gray realities of society, no static images of a God on a throne somewhere “else” are going to provide solace or comfort in their lives. The need for metaphor implies an absence theology will always be reckoning with, however, for McFague –and for me personally – it seems to be the only honest way to communicate the mystery of God.

The next step of McFague’s theology is that it images God as being mind and body. She imagines a God who is both all spirit and all matter in the world. The actual world is seen to be God’s body – in that the world is infused by, empowered by, loved by, given life by God. McFague’s world is seen to be within God, like a baby in the womb (McFague 2008, 71). This theology has been dismissed by many as pantheistic, but that is an inaccurate understanding, for pantheism is God being divided into everything. In world as God’s body theology, Gods self encompasses everything, and all that in encompassed participates in the revelation of Gods self. Each and every iota of God’s creation bears witness to the glory of God. In the world as God’s body, God is the source of all that lives and loves, all which is beautiful and true. Since we are not the source of our own being; we can and must acknowledge our radical dependence on God for all that is. God is never absent for God is reality.

What makes this model of the world a God’s body appropriate for our time is that it encourages us to focus on the here and now of where we meet God. It understands the doctrine of creation to be not primarily about God’s power, but about God’s love: about how we can live together, all of us, within and for God’s body. It focuses attention on the earth, on meeting God not later in heaven but here and now. We meet God in the flesh of the world: in feeding the hungry, healing the sick, building relationships, and being intimate in love gifted from God. This incarnational understanding of creation says “nothing is too lowly, too physical, too mean a labor if it helps creation to flourish (McFague 2008, 73).” God is everywhere. God is right under the surface in everything. God accompanies us everywhere we go and are. “The divine presence announced itself in a breeze rustling through leaves, in the sound of a birds call, in the face of a starving child, in a clear cut forest. God is in birth and in death and everything in between. God is wherever I am and wherever each and every tidbit of creation is (McFague 2008, 163).”

“To feel in the depths of our being that we are part and parcel of the evolutionary ecosystem of our cosmos (McFague 1987, 9).” Sallie McFague deems this knowing essential to contemporary Christian theology. McFague challenges us to overturn an outdated worldview of “Jesusolatry ,” that limits our God and denies our intrinsic interdependence. She offers a holistic, evolutionary, ecological vision that encourages mutuality and promotes justice and care of each other and our earth. This vision opens us to a profoundly sacramental and embodied relationship with the Reality in whom we live and move and have our being. Susan A. Ross adds to this discussion by recognizing that sacraments are, at their heart, “celebrations of what women do naturally – give birth, feed, and comfort (Ross 1993, 193).” This can only lead us to the assumption that the body – and that includes the body’s expressions of sexuality – must be revered according to sacral value as well as McFague’s theology of creation as God’s body, and treated and regarded as giving witness to God. Such a view of the body/sexuality is in keeping with the incarnational identity of Christianity (Douglas 2005, 215).

A feminist theology takes seriously human embodiment, in all its various forms, as the place where humans encounter God (Ross 1993, 203). Womanist theology would affirm the necessity for sexual expression to be relationally right – that is, an intimate expression of loving/harmonious relationality. Mary Aquin O’Neill reminds us that the human body is at the center of God’s revelation (O'Neill 1993, 153). That the body is called from the beginning to become the manifestation of the spirit, and therefore is, in a way, a sacramental sign (O'Neill 1993, 153). Through the human experience of conjugal union, men and women can discover the deep meaning of the human body – the meaning of being embodied as male and female enables both to exist as givers and receivers because “in and through the body, human beings have something to give and something to receive from each other… (the) twofold donation that all human beings are called to make with their bodies are the gift of life and the gift of love (O'Neill 1993, 154).” Being physically intimate is the only complete expression I have available to promise me I am an embodied image of God. All the images Christians use to communicate fulfillment in God are surpassed by the embodiment of God in physical love. Not only does my physical expression of intimacy bear witness to my personal commitment of mutuality to my partner, but it completely characterizes the commitment God makes to me – God’s promise of respect, presence and grace.

There is a need to move beyond the confines of “sexual ethics” into sexual theology which “takes seriously the human sexual experience in our time and place as an arena for God’s continuing self-disclosure (Nelson 1978, 16).” The incarnational understanding of sexuality is frequently lost, and virtually ignored by mainline Christianity by virtue of its privatized expression. The categorically forced separation of body and soul, of sexual expression and spirituality, has been thrust upon virtually all Christians, while society often plays out the incarnational responsibility of the world successfully! We have categorically denied our sexuality as a sign, symbol, and means of our call to communication and communion, when in fact; the mystery of our sexuality is the mystery of our need to reach out to embrace others both physically and spiritually. “Sexuality thus expresses God’s intention that we find our authentic humanness in relationship. But such humanizing relationships cannot occur on the human dimension alone. Sexuality, we must also say, is intrinsic to our relationship with God (Nelson 1978, 18).” In love, the body is a means of grace. In varying emotional states, in frustration, depression, joy, grief, and bliss, our sexuality invites us to participate in communion with others so that we may know God’s presence.

Traditionalist platonized theologies and literal “interpretations” of scripture teach women especially to repress our sexuality. They require us to “wage war against (our) sexual bodies in an effort to safeguard (our) souls and hence secure (our) relationship with God (Douglas 2005, 175).” We are taught from a very young age that giving in to our sexual desires outside the confines of procreative wedlock jeopardizes our souls. In routinely demonizing body and flesh, a platonized Christian tradition denies recognizing the incarnation. “That God became embodied in Jesus attests that the body can provide – and in the case of Jesus did provide – a perfect vehicle for divine presence (Douglas 2005, 75).” Platonized theology also presents a dualistic perspective on sexuality. Sexuality is viewed as either procreatively good or lustfully bad. “There is no third sexual option in a platonized tradition. Sexuality is not granted the theological space to be relationally right…. In this respect, platonized theology objectifies sexuality (Douglas 2005, 214),” and in turn, marginalizes women and men’s natural affinity to relate to one another sexually and relationally.

However, as James Baldwin points out in virtually all of his writing, “denying the fullness of one’s sexuality is to forfeit personal and intimate relationality, and hence happiness and well-being (Douglas 2005, 175).” If sexuality is that aspect of the human person that allows for and prompts one’s communion and community with themselves and others, then to virtually reject one’s sexuality is to reject that which cultivates healthy relationships. What needs to be retrieved is what platonized theology abandons – the connection between sexuality and loving relationships (Douglas 2005, 214).

Douglas states “when sexuality is expressed in a way that provides and nurtures harmonious relationships – that is, those that are loving, just, and equal – then it is sacred (Douglas 2005, 215).” It is exactly this sacredness of human sexuality that is missing in our churches and needs to be affirmed! “If we meet God most truly as the ‘beyond our midst,’ as the One whose continuing incarnation is expressed through creaturely relationships, then our sexuality is a sacramental means for the love of God (Nelson 1978, 105).”

The collective perspective of these theologians reiterates my initial theological thought – that, when boiled down to a minimalistic theory that God IS Love, the truest and most holy places we meet God and experience grace and presence are in relationally significant moments. These moments do not exclude people, perspectives, bodies, or physical, genitally expressed relationships. When the cultures we live in participate fully in the marginalization of the other, while at the same time, the faith traditions we practice marginalize those whose experiences alienate them from God, metaphorical and relational theologies of body, sexuality, and community can be minimalistic, yet highly encompassing and inclusive. For my experiences past and future, I know I can be included and accepted wherever I may be while carrying tightly this understanding of God’s relationship to the world and myself.

Bibliography

Douglas, Kelly Brown. What's Faith Got to Do With It? Black Bodies/Christian Souls. New York: Orbis, 2005.
McFague, Sallie. A New Climate for Theology: God, the World, and Global Warming. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2008.
—. Models of God: Theology for an Ecological, Nuclear Age. Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1987.
Nelson, James B. Embodiment. Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing House, 1978.
O'Neill, Mary Aquin. "The Mystery of Being Human Together." In Freeing Theology: The Essentials of THeology in Feminist Perspective, by Catherine Mowry LaCugna, 139-160. New York: HarperCollins, 1993.
Ross, Susan A. "God's Embodiment and Women." In Freeing Theology: the Essentials of THeology in Feminist Perspetive, by Ed. Catherine Mowry LaCugna, 185-210. New York: HarperCollins, 1993.

handmade holidays (and a birthday, too!)

2010-11-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

my SIL doesn't read this blog (or at least i don't think she does! i hope not or i will have spoiled the surprise!) so i decided to share with you some of the things i've been making. it's my niece E's 2nd birthday in a week or so, and she just had a baby sister, little niece K about 3 weeks ago, so we have some birthday and holiday gifts to give, and i thought it would be great to make them!

here's the stash in (almost!heehee) it's entirety

a black apple doll for E and a black apple baby for baby K (my Bean choose the dress fabrics specifically for each )

an oliver+s lazy days skirt for E's birthday

a pretty paper covered activity book (filled on every page with 2yo appropriate activities - color the sun yellow, what color is the square, etc {my dear friend Kari gave a similar book to Bean for her 3rd bday and it was/is a MAJOR hit!}), and a crayon roll

what do you all think? would you enjoy getting these gifts for your kids? I know I would!

And now for some fun!!

2010-11-27T18:58:00.000-08:00

the quarter may not be over for another 4 days, but all my papers are done, edited, printed, stapled, and sealed up so i can't tinker any more! woohoo it feels good to be "allowed" to craft again! so.... here are some recent pictures.

our office/sewing room had been overrun by text books and mini computers, papers, coffee mugs, syllabi, and general theological chaos (yes, that's a gnarly chair that will be reupholstered asap, preferably in something Anna Maria Horner no less!)

my big 200 lb metal typist desk looking like a craft/study grenade exploded....

my lovely viking, raised from her typewriter drawer to enjoy some fall air. it's nice to see you again, too!

chair (that, too needs a fabulous new upholstery job!) that got vomited on by the felt faeries....

Ahhh! as good as it feels to pop out a really theologically sound paper, it feels even better to have all my visually creative stuff surrounding me ready to be made into something lovely!

snow days ahead

2010-11-23T14:37:00.000-08:00

we are still busy with paper writing these days, but the pacific northwest experienced a day-long snow storm complete with amazingly sunny skies and frigid single digit temperatures (i know that's not really "cold" for many of my midwest lutheran friends, but give us a break - it's cold for us!).

our thanksgiving plans to drive to CA to meet our newest little niece are potentially on hold, but Bean and Daddy still had fun this morning walking down the hill to put chains on the truck - Daddy's a superhero because he's braving the roads to help clients who have no heat in this weather. ahhh, what a lovely man :)

in the meantime, Bean and i are taking mini-excursions around the property every few hours to get our snow fix, and are waiting for the snow to soften up a bit so it will stick together and make the "hugest tallest monster snowman" Bean has been waiting to make this whole storm!

btw - this is my 100th post! can you believe it?! i never thought i'd be a blogger, but guess this goes to show....

a real baby

2010-11-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

Bean at just a few hours old

Bean has become entranced by the idea of Santa and Christmas being around the corner thanks retailers for teaching my child to skip the thankful season :( Today, she said, "Mommy, I want Santa to bring me a real baby." I asked her for some clarification, and she said, "C (her bff) has a real baby lil' C. I want a real baby girl named Wella." (wella is what she names all her baby dolls)
Needless to say, I was tortured by this, and answered her, "me, too Bean. I want a real baby Wella, too."

here's to making it happen sooner than later, because the whole family would love such a blessing.

mama needs a(nother) root canal

2010-11-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

holy moly, friends - I have a toothache that rivals childbirth labor. Seriously, I would MUCH rather be in labor than dealing with this pain. This morning I skipped a masters level class for the first time to go to an emergency dentist visit. Basically, they told me a filling I have has become infected around it, and subsequently the nerve has, too and I'll need a root canal and a crown on it. No big deal doc, I can handle it, just not this current state of pain I'm in. But here's the rub: they can't do it til NEXT FRIDAY because I need to be on antibiotics long enough to calm the infection so the work they do can be effective. So he gave me vicodin and penicillin to take, but the penicillin won't stop the pain for 24 hours or so, and that leaves me drugged up - basically high from the vicodin, and crying like a baby in pain with a hot compress on my face.

This Sucks.
pray for me :(

New Baby Niece

2010-11-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

My SIL had her second baby on tuesday this week. Baby K is doing well, and looks super cuddly and adorable (just like her big sis E did at that age). I made big sister E a quilt with a quilters flannel front and minky back when she was born, and just last night, I completed baby K's own soft, snuggly one.

Making gifts for kids is much easier than making gifts for grown-ups. E has her 2nd birthday before the holiday season, so I get to make her 2 gifts in the next month - I'm planning on a crayon roll (complete with all the basic colors of the rainbow), and an Oliver + S lazy days skirt for her birthday, and a stack of reusable snack bags for the holidays. Baby K will get a black apple doll for the holidays (ans E and Bean will more than likely get matching ones, as well!).

Pictures will come soon, friends.

Christmas already?!

2010-10-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

I am going to attempt to do a Christmas with handmade gifts or experiences this year. Hopefully, this will keep the spending down, which we're actually fairly good at for Christmas giving, and begin to teach H about the value of intentional giving - less about numbers and amount, more about love and community.

Here are some links to cool things I've been contemplating making for gifts - nothing specific for lurking gift recievers ;-)

reusable snack bags
felt board play house
wee wonderful dolls

and many, many more things....
I'll get better at wrangling my hectic schedule and blogging about what I'm creating, reading, learning, doing, thinking, usw. for now, thanks for hanging on and letting me take this break. I'm coming back in full force!!

LGBT Safe Space

2010-10-03T14:42:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine in seminary posted a blog here calling Christian, and all other, communities to be bold in their inclusivity. I encourage you to wonder over and read it - wonderfully written but a wonderful woman.

http://www.theroaminrev.com/

here goes nothing!

2010-09-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

adventures are abounding in the colver household this month. first and foremost, H began preschool!! here are her first pictures:

her before we leave shot with her preschool-specific bag, and one james took with him phone just before we left. see? she didn't miss us at all! when we picked her up, she started singing us this song they learned about sticky, sticky bubblegum, and crashed out in the car before we got home. she took a 2 hour nap - i LOVE preschool!! :)

the other news is that james' mother passed away earlier this week. as we are celebrating the start of school for the 3 of us, and new chapters for our family, we are closing the book on one members life, and it has been difficult. james and his sister are working well together to make the most of the situation with the siblings living so far apart, and cousins on the other side of the country - everyone with families and children and schedules to factor in. it has not been simple, but they are truly doing their best.

also, james has his required Washington DC class/internship this coming week, which, if he drops the class, he will not be able to graduate this year and his whole internship requirement will have to be re-started. also, H has just started school and shouldn't miss so much right off the bat, i start school on the 22nd, and i have my hysteroscopy - which took 9 months and 7 different doctors/specialists to schedule - on the 25th. so basically, H and I won't be able to go to CA with James, and he won't be able to go until after DC, which means:

Liz will be single parenting it for just over 2 weeks.

like the title of this post says, here goes nothing!

naptime somewhere

2010-09-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

did you all know that i have been co-authoring a blog with my friend melissa over at naptimesomewhere.blogspot.com? as i get situated in my family's new 3-school routine this fall, i will be back to much better and regular blogging!
cheers!

birthday week

2010-08-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

last night was the start of birthday week for me. my dear college girlfriend and i are lucky enough to have birthdays a few days apart, so every year we go out to celebrate together. this year we went to ethan stowell's tavolata in belltown. it was so fun to eat fancy food with a lovely friend. we were given samples of wine to choose which we would like a full glass of, and the waiter was friendly (and kinda cute, too!).

excuse the mini pictures - they're from my phone :)

we started with the Buratta - crostini with a buffalo mozzarella cheese that was light and airy like a marshmellow, marinated artichoke hearts, cilantro, and a light lemon olive oil.

kari had the rigatoni with spicy italian sausage, and i had the potato gnocci with cauliflower.delicious choices!

afterwards, we went to capitol hill and met with some friends of mine for old school custard, and beer at the elysian brewery. a great start to birthday week, if i do say so myself!

8 years into forever

2010-08-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

on this day 8 years ago, I joined my life to a loving, kind, patient, hilarious, adventurous, delicious man.

we were but babies, look at us! I was 11 days shy of 21 years old, he was 23.

People told us we were crazy. Some thought we wouldn't last long. (yes, our pastor has a black eye. it was hilarious)

but I am so proud to have grown into a woman alongside this partner, and neither of us would be half as great without the other. We make a perfect team, beautiful children, and I couldn't be happier with my decision to say "I do."

Happy Anniversary Darling, here's to forever.

Family Vacation

2010-08-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Despite some major attitude problems and shoulder-chips, we had some good times on our recent family vacation to Birch Bay. H got to build her first sand castle (and 2nd, 3rd, and 4th...), float in the warm salt water bay, hunker down for some quiet time on the lawn in a grandma made teepee, hunt for shells to toss back in the water, eat delicious black licorice ice cream, and surpass her mother in tanning ability by minute 4 of the vacation (while it was drizzling and cold, too!). Overall, a pleasant trip.

President Obama's Birthday

2010-08-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

today is President Barack Obama's birthday. Happy Birthday Mr. President - I voted for you, I like you, and I'm happy you're most likely having a nice day today. However.....

more importantly than you, my Dad is having a birthday today, too! And he's been around longer than you, and I'd rather celebrate him today, that is if you don't mind ;-)
So Dad,

You're the best Dad I had, and the best Dad I could have wished for. Here's to a pleasant 61st and 40 more to celebrate! Love you :) - Liz

Her new backpack for preschool

2010-08-03T17:43:00.001-07:00

I think she likes it (since she won't take it off!)!

she came right home and packed it up with all of her "stuff so my friends at school can play with me!"

ahh! my big girl!

photo shoot with spiro jamie

2010-07-31T17:06:00.001-07:00

a picasa collage of some faves from our recent (and first!) family photo shoot! more to come soon! thanks so much Jamie - you certianly made us look good :)

A few current things

2010-07-30T12:30:00.001-07:00

I'm doing grosgrain's "frock by Friday" sew-a-long this week. This will be basically my first dress I've sewn for myself, and I think it should be pretty fun!
We've been drinking this the past week. It's one of J's fave drinks, and bridget linked to this delicious recipe so we went for it, and are glad we did!
I've never made blondies before, but they look especially delicious this morning, so it may be a post-naptime treat here J
I'm going a little stir crazy these days since classes are done for the summer, but I somehow managed to lose my knitting pattern for my paron apron I have been working on and need something to keep me busy!
I practically inhaled my favorite author's newest book "Fly Away Home" in 3.5 hours last week. Now I'm on to "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," and so far, I'm not catching all the hype….

This weekend, we have old friends coming for dinner, and I'm planning on going to get a massage and doing some reading on the porch. Have a good one, friends!

someone in my house doesn't want to do her homework

2010-07-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

so she whipped up a new headband to wear to school tomorrow instead!

tutorial found here.

h's first camping trip

2010-07-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

at the beginning of this past week, we went on a mini-vacation to the olympic national forest. h had a ton of firsts: first ferry boat ride, first fire-roasted hotdog (she roasted her own and ate 2 1/2!), first smore (and 2nd, and 3rd....), first time sleeping in a tent, first forest frolic, first waterfall, and first completely dry day in big girl unders (yes, i had to toss that in! it's a big first!!). it was a total blast, and we can't wait to do it again!

sprinkler season

2010-07-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

the g-parents gave us a date night last night, and H had a blast with sprinklers. i'm also (finally) discovering google picasa and trying to figure it all out - i've gotta say, i'm liking the collage feature!

30 before 30

2010-07-03T07:53:00.001-07:00

I recently read a blog where the woman was talking about one of her checks off a list she titled 30 before 30. I instantly thought that sounded like a fabulous idea, and decided to tackle such a list for myself! Now, I know what ya'll are thinking, 'she's not even 29 yet, and her birthday isn't for 3 months,' but I've decided to make this list with some bigger things on it that could take longer than 1 year. The intent is to revisit this list at the beginning of every month and check off the things I've accomplished. Anyone have a milestone birthday coming up in the next couple months/years, feel free to join me! This could be fun, as well as a little bumpy at times…

Watch the series Sex & the City in entirety (I've only ever seen a random episode here and there, and the 1^st movie!)
~~Learn to bake bread~~
Stop drinking soda (I had come really close to being able to check this one off, lasting a month, but in the last 2 stressful weeks, I've had 3…..)
Grow my hair long enough to donate a ponytail
Finish knitting James' 31^st birthday socks (due 3/21/2010!)
Sew a dress for Hazel
Have a family photo shoot with Jamie Spiro (scheduled for 7/26/10!)
Teach Hazel to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the piano
~~(Learn how to & ) knit a hat for myself~~
Determine a signature drink that I can order wherever I go, and always have the ingredients for at home
Make my own pickles
Have a stocked liquor cabinet, like an adult
Eat a meal at preservation kitchen
Find my perfect shade of lipstick
Actually get the Luther's Rose tattoo I've been dreaming of for 10+ years
Keep some kind of lovely plant alive in my house or on my porch
Go on a cycling/camping trip with James and Hazel
Eat a meal at poppy.seattle
Sing at church
Ride my bike to the grocery store
Take a theo chocolate factory tour
Reduce (or eliminate) use of plastic bags from the stores
Get my makeup done at a department store counter
Make something fabulous out of anna maria horner's fabric
Find a perfect skin care routine
~~Finish knitting the paron tunic~~ ~~for myself~~
Develop a regular yoga routine
Write a song for Hazel
Drink more water every day
learn to make Phad Thai from scratch

Check the dress off the list!

2010-07-01T20:30:00.001-07:00

Sent from my iPhone

30 before 30

2010-06-22T18:54:00.001-07:00

Watch the series Sex & the City in entirety (I've only ever seen a random episode here and there, and the 1^st movie!)
Learn to bake bread
Stop drinking soda (I had come really close to being able to check this one off, lasting a month, but in the last 2 stressful weeks, I've had 3…..)
Grow my hair long enough to donate a ponytail
Finish knitting James' 31^st birthday socks (due 3/21/2010!)
Sew a dress for Hazel
Have a family photo shoot with Jamie Spiro
Teach Hazel to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the piano
(Learn how to & ) knit a hat for myself
Determine a signature drink that I can order wherever I go, and always have the ingredients for at home
Make my own pickles
Have a stocked liquor cabinet, like an adult
Eat a meal at preservation kitchen
Find my perfect shade of lipstick
Actually get the Luther's Rose tattoo I've been dreaming of for 10+ years
Keep some kind of lovely plant alive in my house or on my porch
Go on a cycling/camping trip with James and Hazel
Eat a meal at poppy.seattle
Sing at church
Ride my bike to the grocery store
Take a theo chocolate factory tour
Reduce (or eliminate) use of plastic bags from the stores
Get my makeup done at a department store counter
Make something fabulous out of anna maria horner's fabric
Find a perfect skin care routine
Finish knitting the paron tunic for myself
Develop a regular yoga routine
Write a song for Hazel
Drink more water every day
Learn to make phad thai from scratch

best birthday party part 3

2010-06-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

H, C, and A hamming it up - this is one of the best pictures. i think i'm going to print it and frame it for christmas gifts, seriously!!

party time!

all the pretty (& handsome!) little helpers opening H's gifts

H and S blowing millions of bubbles from bubble wands that look a bit too much like crack pipes....

cake time! H was really excited about her cake

as i sort through the millions of pictures taken, i may post more. all in all, i am so thankful for how wonderful the party turned out. if only i could use this as a template and throw identical parties from here on out!!

best birthday party part 2

2010-06-20T08:48:00.001-07:00

my parents have a big hill in the backyard, and for the first time in 30 years, that hill got some serious action! the kids played a game they created themselves called 'up hill, down hill,' where they would climb up the stairs on the deck to the top of the hill, and then march down the hill together like this. ruth said they looked like little mountian goats, and i couldn't agree more :)

playing on the hill. 'A' was the queen of the roost getting the highest climb of everyone!

natalie used her creative writing skills to draw a real hopscotch game in chalk, which C and H couldn't have enjoyed more...

H's new favorite thing to do with chalk - play CSI.....

H and I playing bocce ball together behind the grass

best birthday party part 1

2010-06-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

hazel's 3rd birthday party was fantastic! the weather cooperated - though it seriously threatened not to - and the kids couldn't have had a better time if they tried! blogger won't let me upload all the pics i want into one post, so here's part 1: the set up!

these penant banners hung in the front yard trees - alerting people that the party was here, at my parents house

we had a tasty snack spread including pirates booty, sweet potato chips, tea sandwiches, cream puffs, sun tea for the adults, and 'toddler tea (fruit punch)' for the kiddles

dad and katy hung my felt garland from the deck bannister. it looked so great!

and more garland in the tree. i love that garland!

hazel asked for a chocolate cake, in the shape of a circle, with pink frosting and a candle. here's what we gave her! the flowers are starburst candies warmed in the microwave and quickly rolled out with a rolling pin and cut out with cookie cutters! the cake was a hit!

prepare yourselves to be amazed!

2010-06-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

since we just moved this weekend to a different unit in our same apartment complex, i had a built-in opportunity to do a much needed pantry/freezer inventory. i just made a grocery list for this weeks meal planner, and i have 5 things to buy for this weeks meals (this does not include the things i will get free with my WIC check).

here is the list:
*1# extra firm tofu
* 2 cans chicken
*1 can great northern beans
* fresh loaf of sourdough bread
* dried basil

here are the meals:
M-Rachel's white chicken chili (thanks rachel for the blog post!)
T-best baked eggs and salad
W-Sarah's phillipine chicken w/brown rice
H-thai coconut soup (in the slow cooker!) w/thai peanut tofu & chicken, & leftover brown rice
F-TJ's freezer phyllo margharita pizzas w/salad
S-H's birthday party, so it's tea sandwiches & cake for the entire day of meals
Sun- leftovers

i even am planning on making a slow cooker crunchy garbanzo bean snack for the week tonight, and have all the fixin's for some fun non-sandwich lunches for H, including an alphabet pasta salad perfect for toddlers :)

yup. i'm amazed, too !

bed

2010-06-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

this is the bed that we got for h at ikea last night. not much to look at, we know, but it was cheap and that's how we roll these days.

however, we have a plan. and that plan includes paint. we asked h what color bed she wanted, and she said green. so i found my favorite shade of green, seen on the notebook in the picture below, that we're going to color match in a super high glossy paint to paint the bed frame.

the pink = the sheets h choose at target today. pretty cute, huh? james asked if it matched, and i proceeded to show him pictures of bright pink flowers in nature with green leaves, and he shrugged indifferently :)this lovely comforter would really be the icing on the birthday-big-girl-bed-cake. but this will have to wait a bit longer....

lucky girl :)

living life compartmentalized

2010-05-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

today, james is putting the final touches on a big job, so i'm home with h - which is a traditional way to spend fridays in this house since i'm at school all day thursdays. james' whole day turn is done and h and i generally miss one another, so good times are had on fridays. on fridays, i do an excellent job playing with h - making art projects, cooking together, playing board games, and running outside. sometimes we get together with friends and have lunch, go to a story time, or even better - h's and my favorite past-time: target browsing :)

basically, i am good at compartmentalizing my life into its little foci areas and generally they don't interfere with the others.

but today, this friday, i am getting all twisted up with my priorities. i've got 3 final papers due in the next 6 days, h's birthday party is getting planned in my head (which is way more fun), and as of yesterday evening, we are officially moving in 12 days. across the parking lot, mind you - simply to another identical apartment to the one we're in now to officially forfeit our battle with mice (and let the mgmt team begin their own rodent battle in our absence). the new place is literally 100 yds away, so we don't really have to pack anything - just walk it all across the street in laundry hampers and wagons. but here's the rub:
i'm actually excited.
i am a strange person, and i love moving. not the 'beg your friends to lend a hand' part, or the 'change your address all over again' part. i love the fresh slate, organized home, chucking the accumulated trash, re-evaluating what you have, built-in opportunity for change, and even the actions of packing and unpacking. i even love the actual picking up of the boxes and furniture and literally 'moving' things part (if i have someone to watch h, i like to help others move for this very reason).
but i can't let myself slip into this particular pleasure zone because i've got 3 papers to write first!!!
mantra for the next 6 days......i think i can i think i can i think i can.....

my current to do list

2010-05-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

i have 8 days left of school this quarter, and i am struggling to remember that there is stuff to do before classes end and not spend all my time daydreaming about what fun things i can do when quarters over! so here's my to do list for the next 8 days:

read 75 pages of Moe-Lobeda's "Public Church"
write History of the Reformation "So What" paper - 5-7 pages
write Christian Ethics Case Study Moral Deliberation paper - 5-7 pages
write Christian Sexuality "Toward a Renewed Theology of Human Sexuality" paper - 5-7 pages
care for my child
care for my house
care for my spouse (though this one could be a to-list casualty, to be honest)
go to four 3-hr classes

there are calendar obligations, as well - like a personel meeting at church, watching H's friend for a few hours this afternoon, J's classes, etc. i guess this doesn't look so bad.... though i must admit, my list includes things that i can redily check off and feel accomplished. things such as:

take a shower (i know - as a mom, i'm lucky this happens once a week before classes!)
put shoes away
make coffee
brush teeth
eat breakfast
make lunch for H
be pretty (a new suggestion for the list which i think i like!).......

you get the idea :)

wish me luck! i intend to post a blog about the things i intend to do on my downtime before my summer class starts in july - but it is intentionally left off the to-do list because i'll actually do it before anything else if it's there!!

Birthday Prep

2010-05-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

H has, somewhere along the lines this past week, picked up on the fact that her birthday is coming up. She has been talking on her "phone" telling her friends about her birthday party, and everything I say, she has been responding with "for my burr-day pahr-dy?!" This evening, I decided to go out and pick up some felt to start cutting circles for this (shown in the above picture). H's party this year is going to be in Grandpa and Grandma Cherry's backyard garden, and we're going to hang this from the trees and deck. H was sleeping in the stroller while I did the shopping and picking out colors (shy selection at Lynnwood's Hancock fabrics, I might add - good thing I started looking early so I can round out the only blazing pink and green shades available!), and while we were in line to purchase, H suddenly woke up and told the lady in front of us

"We're getting treats for my burrday pahrdy!"

it was pretty cute :)

Yes Day

2010-05-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

I, with the help of my family, have decided that tomorrow will be my very first (and please dear God hopefully last) Yes Day. What is a Yes Day? Well, the idea comes from a children's book called just that, "The Yes Day" where the child recieves the answer Yes to all their requests for the entire day.
Cookies for breakfast? Yes!
2 movies? Yes!
Popcorn and my very own soda at said movies? Yes!
Crackers in bed? Yes!
Stay up late? Yes!
get the idea?! So, why am I having a Yes Day tomorrow? Because it is the day I was supposed to give birth to a beautiful, healthy, screaming, living baby boy, and I don't get to. So, whatever else I want tomorrow, I will get.
Sounds pretty good, right? Although, I must admit, I will put a cap on some things - like, I can't say yes to going out and buying a house, or spending the day at Nordstroms with a personal shopper, or the like. My possibilities include the likes of a pair of new coveted shoes, or a massage. Possibly a manicure, or a solo movie. Anything I crave to eat, I will say yes to with no guilt. I may even stay in bed all day and ask to be catered to, or simply left alone. I will likely take a long hot shower all by myself, and I will probably not ask to put H down for her nap or bedtime - I'll leave that to J.
The other upside to this Yes Day is two-fold: I could be redily distracted from pain and sorrow by joyful, foolish abundance for one. For two, I am completely at a loss as to what I may want to do, so I can't plan it like I typically enjoy doing. At this point, I feel available to the idea of a bit of solo shopping/browsing and a possible massage, but last week all I could think about possibly looking forward to was staying under the covers all day long with the door closed and the TV set to Bravo reality reruns. I guess the Yes Day gives me the opportunity to wallow if need be, or distract if that need be....
Anyhow, I will update on thursday the results/effect of my Yes Day later in the week for those of you who may be interested. But until then, please keep my family and me in your prayers... as fun as this may be, it is more than likely going to suck.

mothers day is around the corner :)

2010-05-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

i am not a surprise person. just ask my husband. since childhood, i have always been that girl who finds all her hidden gifts to prepare a perfect reaction for the giver. really! as much as i love a good gift, i struggle because no matter how large and robust my taste hints are, i seldom recieve something that blows me away unless i beg specifically. but my husband doesn't like to be 'told' what to get me, as he likes surprising me. what's a girl to do?

well, this is what i'll do this year:

these are images of things i find lovely.

i'd love to hand this from the ceiling over our four-poster bed!

i would stack these pretties on my right hand!

and this just kills me with it's beauty!

what are your dream gifts? i really want to know!

Aching

2010-05-01T10:28:00.001-07:00

I'm at a point where I am unclear in how I want the future to unfold.
I feel as though I'm preparing for some lovely and wonderful things, and my days are happy. New friends, old friends, family, spring, education and amazing brain strengthening, heart and spirit development- all these things bring me joy and delight.
Yet I am being pulled toward a depression I haven't experienced- and am unwilling to fall prey to, but the current is strong. I can't do it all, I certianly can't feel it all, and somehow I must find the ability to relinquish control without gravity waiting to pull me deep. I've done it before, and I have known the capability. I was saddened and broken by Noahs death, and there were days I let myself feel
angst,
fear,
pain,
and greif.
As Ians due date approaches in these next 2 weeks, I find myself fighting the desire to do nothing and ignore my responsibities. I am striving to find the balance I had with greiving before, and I have a care plan set up for the month of May to help. But even now that we have a plan and a strong trust in medical salvation for future pregnancies, I still feel an ache so thick it's suffocating. The control has been taken from me- by class requirements, by scheduling drama- and I find myself trapped by a choice I can't make, baby or school, that I couldn't make if I choose to! I have never had control of such things, and I shouldn't, though the desire to force hands to meet my needs is terrifyingly strong. I fear my reaction to a wanted pregnancy when I learn the duedate negates travel for deaconess events or sparsely offered yet required classes. The point of this ramble is to remind myself it's not my choice. I am young and safe and flexible. I can sucessfully balance baby-family-school-life. I know this and I trust my knowledge. But I still ache for the normalcy so many people show with controlling the schedule of their lives to a forseen benefit ascribed to them by themselves. Waiting for Gods revelation in my life is agonizing when the crossroads meet.

potty training

2010-04-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

this morning, H declared she wanted to wear big girl unders (that's what we call them, to avoid the over-sexualized term 'panties' that no dad or grandpa or man is ever really comfortable asking their little girl to pull down...), and since we're hanging at home, for the morning at least, i agreed. just 5 minutes ago, H yells, "i've gotta go potty!" as a little puddle is forming at the bottom of her leg. but she ran to the toilet, and used it - she managed to stop her flow, hold it as she went to the bathroom, and release it in the proper place! I know this sounds silly to communicate, but I have learned over the last 12 months, that kids will do this themselves. Or at least my kid. I have felt pressure since H was 18 months old to train her - 'she's ready, just do it!' but no matter the effort I put into it, it hasn't mattered, she wasn't willing to put in the equal effort, and it always stalled. I read something once somewhere that was so great, especially when I realized that my child had turned 19 months old and wasn't trained. It said that your child is prepared to train at a specific time. Let's say 3 years old. You can start training her at 18 months, or 2 years, or 2 3/4, but she will not be completely sucessful until her internal clock that was set in utero, clicks on. Basically, parents, do you want to be fighting training for 18 months, or 1 week? It's not about your method, it's about your individual, unique, specially designed child.
So, today, H showed me she knew how to hold and release. Does this mean she'll train herself this week? this month? before preschool starts in the fall? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care - because when it does happen, it is something she can be proud of and know that she really did it "all by herself."

if anybody reading this has money to spare.....

2010-04-07T21:11:00.001-07:00

want.

First due date of spring

2010-03-20T00:18:00.001-07:00

Today is the first of 2 due dates I will not be delivering babies on this year. This is the due date of the child I miscarried in July- the one we haven't named and I feel guilt about every time I let myself think about. I am in California this week and today (or rather when I wake up later today) may be difficult. So, by the power invested in me by being honest in a blog- I hereby promise myself that if I need to get up and excuse myself at any point tomorrow, I am allowed and I will not worry about other peoples reactions. My in-laws may think I'm being funny (weird) but that's okay. Tomorrow/today is all about self care. Wish me luck!

Sent from my iPhone

ew. (and kinda long)

2010-03-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

we have mice. that's plural. and gross. and i'm so flipping freaked out by it i can barely type 2 letters before i swat at myself, thinking i feel something crawling on me. omg

here's the story: 2ish weeks ago, h is sitting in her chair at the table eatting breakfast, and i'm doing dishes. because i'm clean like that! and she says, 'a mouse mommy! look!' and i swear to god i see something black in my periphreal (how the h do you spell that d*** word ?!?) so, i do what any other excellent mother of the year would do in my situation (when her hubster is in the back room) and i run to the table, put h on top (mommy, i no want to stand on the table! deal with it!) jump up on a chair and scream
JAMES!
to which he comes running, and asking what is going on, decides to laugh at us and then, like the good man he is, procedes to pull out all the appliances and look behind them. nothing. no mouse. we determine that h is a bit looney - or watching too much tv with 2 parents in school - and the mouse was not real. even though i saw something in my p-word vision.....

h doesn't let it go, though. later that afternoon, she is literally on her belly on the kitchen floor with a flashlight hunting under the cabinets for this GD mouse. so, i go a little crazy, and send james out for a trap. which he sets. and 20 minutes after it's set it goes off. we've caught a mouse. in my kitchen. my clean no crumbs for a mouse to live off of immaculate kitchen.
omg.
but we're done. it's caught, and i'm fine. til the next day i hear strange noises coming from the kitchen. sh**, seriously? i'm going mental now for real, and i make james set another trap. for 4 days i'm hearing this seriously creepy sound coming from the kitchen and i'm losing weight because i'm not hanging out near the pantry. james thinks i'm crazy, but on afternoon 4, he sees the noisemaker scurry across the kitchen, so he sets a different kind of trap (oh i should have said with the 1st, we used a no kill trap and james released him into the back brush. this no kill kind didn't suffice for mangy creeper #2 so we used a sticky trap). #2 finally got its tail stuck and ran the f around the kitchen clanking away for james to chase and eventually trap under a recycle can and scoot outside. yeah! the mice are gone!!
i come back from a retreat the weekend before last, and on monday evening i put a frozen food box in the trash. big deal, right? only in the morning, when i went to put a yogurt cup in the trash there were what looked like mouse droppings in the GD frozen food box from the night before. i was leaving for chicago, and told james about this. while i was gone, he said he heard a noise, and took out the trash with something moving in it. freakin 3 mice people. in my clean home on the 2nd story of an apartment complex!!!!!!
why am i spending all this time telling you this story? well, because this afternoon, while doing the dishes, i found a new mouse trail ON MY COUNTER! WTF???!? i'm totally spazzing out. i now think they must enter from our pot smoking community college neighbors unit and find they only have beer and stale chips, so they venture to our place, but we're clean, and we don't leave food around, or on the floor, or on the counter, or anything - especially after finding #1 2 weeks ago. i don't know what they're getting into, where they're staying, when they come out, i'm flipping freaked the f*** out like they're going to come out of the shower drain while i'm taking a bath or climb into bed with me and nibble at my toenails (but i'm taking precautions - i'm sleeping in socks with my pants tucked into them and a turtleneck. oh, and with my bra on and shoes right next to the bed so i can get outside real quick and not be flap happy while escaping the 4 ounce creepers from who the F knows where as they try to invade and take over my home and family. h's bedroom door is kept safe with draft snake so they can't eat her fingerpads off while she sleeps).
so, anyone have any tips on keeping them out of our 2nd story, clean apartment, please let me know. i'm about 10 hours from calling management of this place to have an exterminator out. so sick. ew.ew.ew.ew.ew

the artist known as hazel

2010-02-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

she just L.O.V.E.S painting and making "projects" as she calls it :) we recently began letting her use watercolors in the kitchen, and i can barely get in there to do the dishes since she always shoos me away saying, "i need privacy for my project mommy. you can't come in here right now" sheesh!

homemade potty training book

2010-02-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

pull-ups cost 32-45 cents each! and i, for one, am totally done with my child being only half interested in using the toilet, and not interested in sitting still for a diaper change. so, i made this potty training book, with her imput, and i'll let you all know how it works. my hope is that the $40 i spent on pull-ups today is the last money i spend on diapering products for this child!

hazel and i went to target today, and she choose this notebook herself for the potty training book.

here is a pencil pouch with all the stickers hazel choose for herself at the store, all cut into 1ish inch sticker bunches (roughly 2-4 stickers a piece).

rules of the potty book: 10 squares (frames) to decorate with stickers. when all 10 are decorated, hazel gets to lift the tag and reveal her super surprise!

this surprise is a popsicle! this keeps us from buying 3 bags of m&m's a week, since mom and dad seem to eat them all after bedtime and have to sontinually replenish the supply! sometimes the surprise is a lollipop, or an ice cream date with daddy, a steamed milk trip with mommy, or a $3 train ride at the park.

here's hoping i have good results!!!

baby shower tea party

2010-02-10T14:16:00.001-08:00

it took me a while to figure out how to get these pictures from my phone to the computer, but here are some images from the spread i helped make for a dear friends baby shower. i made 4 kinds of tea sandwiches, and my dad supplied the depression era glass serving dishes and tea sets, as well as the rose bud china. it really turned out lovely, if i do say so myself (and the sandwiches were de.lish.ous!)

valentines

2010-02-10T13:56:00.001-08:00

hazel isn't really in a place where she needs to give valentines, yet. but when i saw these i completely knew they were irresistable! plus, i can print as many as i want for EVER - meaning, preschool and early elementary years are all done!

anyway, since she doesn't have a reason to give these, i decided to make little bundles for each of the families hazel sees most from church, since we'll be at church on v-day. each valentine contains 12 cards printed on cardstock to color, and 3 crayons. i also used happytape to decorate the envelopes (since i only had 3 to decorate!)

i am real proud of myself for this :)

angry day

2010-02-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

today i had an angry day. it's okay, since i'm aware of what my anger means and that it is signaling other emotions to the forefront to be dealt with, and with which i am dealing but not in my blog because they're mine, and all ya'll readers probally have your own emotions to claim and honor. but man, i let it all get to me.

first, something that i knew might happen, did, and i wasn't as prepared for it as i expected myself to be. you know the feeling? like, you know a moment will occur, and it will be awkward and so you prepare for it emotionally, but when it actually happens, you get overwhelmed and, like, cry? yea. way to start the day, liz.

then, james wanted to take the car through the car wash, which is fine. but when he does that, he always wants to vacuum it out afterwards. that's fine, too - but today, after the above mentioned awkward morning, i really didn't want the loud noise of the vacuum in my day, so i said no - we could wash the car, but please, let's vacuum it tomorrow. he didn't get it, and i needed control of something so bad i made it a huge rediculous battle of who cares for the other more, and anyway, we vacuumed the f**king car and i was even more angry.

and tonight, i had a strange parenting struggle with a friend that, because of my angry day, made me feel like somehow, i'm a really horrible parent and i started noticing how no one we leave hazel with has left their kids with us. seriously? now i'm more angry. aren't we good parents? hazel is so polite, and she stays in time out, and she cleans up after herself, and she is always smiling and laughing. isn't that a sign of good parenting? a healthy, differentiated as much as acceptable for a two year old child? is it so bad that i don't coddle my child, protect her from ever getting pushed or shoved or her feelings hurt? that i provide opportunities for her to know how to explore her feelings without caging her from fear or anxiety?

it's days like these where i feel like just picking up my shit and moving far, far away and starting fresh. you know? lousy angry day.

burberry inspired knit cowl

2010-02-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

i knit this over the last few days - here's the free pattern if you'd like it. super easy - just stockinette with a random cable twist every 12 rows or so. doesn't the yarn have a beautiful colorway? one of the blogger ladies i follow has a cool project going here where she cast on 220 st where she garter stitches her leftover yarn. it is making a yummy throw/lap afgan, and i've decided to follow suit (only i may add a hint of flavor to the stitches, since i don't love garter stitch). more to follow with that, but now, to cast on an adorable cowl in self striping yarn for hazel - isn't a cowl for a toddler a great idea for keeping the neck warm and the cold out? they can't easily pull an end and leave it on the playground!

like facebook status' for keeps

2010-01-29T11:47:00.001-08:00

This book is great (and on back order - boo hoo!). It has space on each page for 5 years of entries. For example, the January 29th page has 5 spaces to enter something from your day in 2010, 2011, 2012.... you get the idea. So, as your years move on, you can look back and see patterns or recall misplaced memories from what you previously put on the page. I love the idea for many reasons, but one major one is that what mother has time to journal, and don't we always have great things to share? Think about Facebook status's - little memories and ideas that have meaning. I love this book - and if it doesn't get off back order soon, I might just make my own!

boots

2010-01-14T22:35:00.000-08:00

I have been looking for the perfect boots for the last 5 years and lo - here they are.

and i bought them. for three hundred dollars. seriously. i can die now.

edit: these just came in the mail, and they were not worthy of the praise i gave them. i am sad. i thought i had found the ones......
now to bellevue to return them :( sigh.

woah....

2010-01-08T08:43:00.000-08:00

this is incredible.

etsy tortures me in many ways, but this one tore me up.

happy tape

2010-01-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

seriously people - i almost died when i saw this stuff in martha's magazine last month, and this morning i finally got over to their site. WOW! SO COOL! one of my fave things it wrapping presents and making cards. this stuff would be perfect! and the best part is - it's WAY less expensive than ribbon ($6 for 50 feet instead of $4 for 8 feet!). i'll let you know when i finally get some and how i use it!

anthropologie

2010-01-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

i went shopping at the new bellevue anthropologie location tonight. here's what i got (+ a pair of tights):

LOVE THAT STORE! seriously - every thing i tried on fit beautifully and made me feel so chic and glam. therefore, one of my new years resolutions is to buy one (clothing) item from this store each month this year. enhance my wardrobe with things that make me feel beautiful, since my presonal trend it to care for myself more when i feel pretty (iow - i eat more crap when i look/feel like crap. who wants to eat doritos in this dress? a nice cup of lentil soup with a side salad sounds much better, thank you!)

a new year is near.....

2009-12-28T08:32:00.001-08:00

and thank god for that! we are ready to move on out of 2009, and hopefully 2010 will be nice and mellow - meaning no high highs or low lows. james says one of his resolutions is going to be learning how to forgive more easily. one of mine is going to be learning how to feel thankful more easily.

i may or may not have mentioned this before, but i don't like clutter. james and i particularly favor the stark, danish modern asthetic of minimalism/bohemian, ethnic accents - but you would not know that by visiting our house. part of it is that we don't have a house, we have an apartment, and it's hard to hide things well in a smaller space. another part is that hazel has stuff she likes to use (duh) and toddlers notoriously leave their stuff all over. i am trying to remedy this in a couple of ways for the new year. one way is by getting rid of a ton of stuff that is completely unnecessary (we don't have a baby, why do we need a box full of pacifiers hazel didn't even use? seriously, if/when the time comes, i can get more then). another way is this:

i, somewhat lamely, realized that we have 2 linen closets in this apartment - one of which is at the end of our hall. so, in my new years resolution attempt to keep my home clutter (and toddler strewn toy) free, i have made this closet the toy closet. hazel's rule has, for the most part, been play with a toy, when you're done, put it away, play with another toy. but recently, her toys have gotten messier (it was a duplo christmas if you know what i mean) and 1 toy doesn't seem to equal 1 doll - it's 1 whole 15 piece doctor's kit, or 1 whole box of crayons and a coloring book. and, as many of you understand, toddlers attention spans typically are shorter than a fly's memory and soon you are tripping over duplos, crayons, and stethescopes all on the same floor. sigh.

so, here is my attempt at restoring order. there is a strategically placed toddler doorknob lock (which thankfully hazel still hasn't mastered the art of geting past yet!) on this toy closet door. if she wants a new toy to play with, she has to pick up the previous toy - and she can't get a new one until i open the door to get it for her. yes, i understand this might relate into me getting off my butt every 4 1/2 minutes to get a new toy out, but it also might foster an enjoyment in playing with something for hazel that many kids surrounded by multiple toys all the time can't create. have you ever seen kids in nurserys with toddler ADD running from toy to toy so scared they might not be able to play with them all if they don't play with them all at the same time? hopefully this will result is real imagination time with dolls or blocks, or complete pictures drawn with crayons.......

so, think it'll work? i hope so. next pre-new-years-step is to seriously kick the study/office's butt into submission so both james and i feel comfortable getting our stuff done in there. that room is a manly mess. here i go!

what does the word done mean anyway?

2009-12-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

sunday the 13th is the day we went to the hospital to deliver ian, and it was the day he was delivered. monday the 14th was the day we thought i delivered the placenta, but opps - my body wasn't done. it waited for 3 days of recovery until it choose to let us know it was even still there, and not going to miraculously reenter my system and disappear. thanks! so, thursday night i barely slept due to discomfort, and friday the 18th, i had a d&c to remove it (evidently my placenta changed its mind midway and tried to hide again, but we knew it was there and couldn't stay hidden forever!). so this post is to ask, what did i mean when i thought i was 'done'? i suppose i meant physically, since i know the emotional part of this is going to be difficult and long lasting. i regularly think about how fast i have recouperated, physically, from any issues i've had, and realize i'm lucky, and many people have just one physical issue that turns into a life long nightmare. the fact that i am feeling relatively fine just 3 days after a surgical procedure is pretty amazing. i guess i just need to tell my mind to stop complaining. i mean, is there anything else that could happen as a result of the events of last week? i dunno, but i'm not going to say i'm done........

whadda ya think?

2009-12-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

when noah died, james went out and bought me my first piece of tiffany jewelry. this locket. we put noah's footprints in it. as i was browsing etsy this evening, i ran across this stamped disc, and thought, wouldn't it look nice with ian's name hanging on the same chain as noah's prints? and what about a tiny pearl drop to symbolize the miscarriage i had before ian? hmm..... it seems like i might be in the market for a christmas gift for myself........

Dear Ian Joseph,

2009-12-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

your delivery story goes like this. sunday december 13th, your dad and i went into overlake hospital's childbirth center. dr spence gave me a drug specific to this type of delivery that helped my uterus to contract and my cervix to dialate at 9:30 in the morning. i did not feel pain, just discomfort as i began to have uterine cramps. dr spence gave me a gift of a pewter coin with an angel carved into it to hold in my hand for comfort. the nurses we had, heather, and bonnie, were so loving and helpful and, since they did not have to monitor your wellbeing, they let your dad and i relax and watch a bunch of arrested development episodes on the tv. dr spence came around fairly often, and hung out with dad and i - she's really cool, and a good friend to our family, and every 4 hours she she'd give me another dose of the induction medicine. around 6:30pm, i was getting fairly uncomfortable, so i let my nurse heather give me 2 mg of morphine. that stuff is intense, but it helped me relax. i was due to get another dose of induction medicine at 9:30pm, but at 9:15, you spontaneously arrived, when dr spence had gone home and the nurses were not in the room. i called to your dad to get them, and bonnie came and removed you from the room to clean you up. dr spence rushed back, and we tried to deliver the placenta, but my cervix had reclosed itself, so i got another dose of induction medicine, as well as morphine, and waited. in the meantime, bonnie and dr spence cleaned and examined you. your dad was sad, so he left the room so i could see you again (i accidently saw you when you were just delivered). bonnie brought you in to me wrapped up in this blanket.you were so tiny, and i was so sad to see you not breathing that i didn't hold you long - only about 30 seconds. long enough to see your tiny toes, and your tiny fingers. long enough to see your cheeks and eyelids, and little ribcage peeking out from under your skin. you were so tiny. 5 1/2 inches tall, and 1.6 ounces. your cord was wrapped around your neck fairly tight. i think that's what made me uncomfortable, so i said thank you to god for letting me hold you, like i couldn't do with your siblings, said goodbye to you, and handed you back to bonnie.

at 1am, i finished delivering the placenta, and your dad and i slept until 8:30am, with hourly interuptions from bonnie to check my temperature and blood pressure. the hospital gave us a memory box with your blanket in it, as well as a few cards with your prints on them. here are your tiny foot, toe, and hand prints.at 11am, dr spence had us discharged, and your dad and i went to the church to meet pr katy. she had a nice long chat with us, and we held a liturgy thanking god for you, asking god to be with us in our greiving, and to care for you. pr katy annointed my hands that held you, and your dad's hands that will hold you eventually. we cried, and we mourned not being able to watch you grow up. we believe that you are happy, playing with your brother noah, your friend gabriel habostad, and your other sibling. we can't wait to see you again, and hold you close in our hearts until that happens. we love you Ian, SO much.

Love, mom

tomorrow

2009-12-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

this is how 'tall' my baby will be when/if i get to see him or her tomorrow. the length of a ballpoint pen. i have not begun processing. it has been a very busy month, and we have had the spend the last few days preparing multiple other things for what is to come. i may or may not blog to process - james has asked that i do, but i don't know yet. but as for this minute, i know that hazel has a great place to stay and enjoy the next day or 2, we have insurance, so we won't have to pay out of pocket hospital expenses, and this is going to happen tomorrow. which begins in a few hours. which is probally why i'm starting to get anxious, not knowing what is really going to happen. i don't know if i will have to dialate completely, if the baby will be 'pleasant' to look at, if i will tear, if i will lactate, or if i will suddenly get overwhelmed by it all and either panic and push myself too hard, or completely give up trying. i don't know if i will be able to allow myself to feel anything, or if i will put on a face for the nurses. like i said, i have not been processing, i have been avoiding, and i think i like it here.....

however, we have chosen names. and if appropriate, we will take pictures. we weren't allowed to see noah, and i still really struggle with his death because i didn't feel closure. i would not say i was a visual person, in that i need to see something to believe it, but my miscarriage this summer was a really healthy and healing experience of grief and closure. i actually hope that by delivering this child, we will have a better chance at that type of closure. it would be wonderful to have closure as beautiful as this:

i mean, we could - the size of a sweet potato, the crown to rump length of a ballpoint pen.....

max and ruby

2009-10-28T12:06:00.001-07:00

hazel's new thing, well not new - it's been going on for the last month or so, is watching max and ruby. it's a relatively cute show, even though the more i watch it the more i dislike ruby, i think she bully's little brother max, but on today's episode, i caught something that really bugged me. bear with me....

ruby is collecting autumn leaves as they fall. she has a book with specific leaf outlines that she is supposed to match up with the leaves she finds. fair enough. BUT...

when she first opens the book, the leaf outlines are on the left pages,

when she opens the book the next time to insert a new leaf,

the outlines are on the right page, and again, later,

the outlines move back to the left page!

okay, so i know it's a kids show, but don't the editors get paid? don't they think that parents will ever watch and become irritated with the inconsistancy of page use? seriously?

and yes, i am hormonal so this really doesn't matter, but it bugs me enough to erase the episode from our dvr...... sheesh!

the liz quiz

2009-10-17T18:18:00.000-07:00

what project is liz a quarter of the way through with,
that she's started 4 times in the last 4 years,
and completed only once?

guesses accepted for the next 24 hours - then answer will be posted. good luck guessing!!

answer: growing a baby. yup - preggo (again).

Settling In

2009-09-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

hey all - no falling off the surface of the earth here, just close ;)

we are finished moving. actually, i was pretty ocd about unpacking and getting settled, so it was under a week when we were "settled" into the new place, but now we have internet, cable, and james is done commuting for his last few days of work, and we are a cheerful stay-at-home-family!

i started my masters classes at Seattle University last week. it's going to be difficult, but well worth it. i got an email from my synodical candidacy committee this afternoon saying to expect a call for appointments in the next week or so, so that's good. sunday school is 2 weeks in, and going well - we have a full curriculum this year, so the planning takes less each week, and we are both joyful for that! and the parenting course i am co-leading at our church began this evening and went quite nicely if i do say so myself (and i do!).

james starts school wednesday, and we have our whole week's scheduled out for family/study/excersize/alone/household chores times. we are really going to try terribly hard to stick to it, because our whole system of both doing school at the same time is precariously resting on the tip of that schedule. we appreciate prayers in our favor ;)

hazel is busting out new sentences and thoughts daily, and cracks us up literally thousands of times a day. she insists that all of her dolls and stuffies need diaper changes about 6x each daily, so we are learning about pretending (because, really, who can afford wipes for 30 toys?!)

hope this catches you all up! more later!

"fings and sides"

2009-08-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

as hazel says, or in english swings and slides :) so far today, we have had a girls day. i was getting stir crazy after all the packing i've been doing, so we first went to small threads for kids, our local consignment store we love. hazel wanted to play at the train table, so while she did that i browsed the fall clothing options. hazel doesn't need much, but she's so tall - and growing taller by the minute - i started looking in the 3T section. when i found a cute pair of pants, they seemed short, so i held them up to hazel, and yup - they certianly were, as were all the rest of the 3T options! I ended up buying her 4T size leggings! she's 2 years old people! aye-yi-yi!

then, after hazel was finished taking her baby doll and testing out all the excersaucers and baby swings, we went to the park. at the park we went to, there are 2 swings, and when we arrived, there were 2 moms pushing their 2 toddlers in the 2 swings. alright, fair enough. but hazel really loves a swing, so she went up to the moms and very politely said, "my fing, please." the mom's didn't even acknowledge her, so i said to her, "these kids are taking their turns on the swings, when their turn is over, it will be your turn and you can go on the swings." she said okay, and we went to play on the slides.

10, 15, and 20 minutes later, hazel went over to the swings again, and each time politely asked, "my fing, please?" and the mom's still ignored her (while in the meantime their kids riding in the swings looked comatose). so each time i said (louder and louder so the mom's were certian to hear), "it's not your turn yet honey, when their mom's decide their turn is up, you will get to swing."

15 minutes later (this means, total we had been waiting for a turn for 35 minutes!) the mom's packed up to leave the park, and hazel got her turn. but no sooner had she been swinging 3 minutes, did a family with 2 boys come and want to swing. so when the older boy asked hazel for a turn, we did the polite thing, took 10 more counted pushes, and our turn was up. sigh. hazel was a good sport though, she was so polite and friendly during the whole park experience.

so we left the park, got sandwiches and soup for lunch and picnic-ed in the backyard before naptime. after she wakes up, i think we might go for a dip in the pool..... for the most part, really fun morning :)

moving!

2009-08-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

We are moving! Yup - to Bothell, and we are so excited!! We will be within 10 miles of so many people, places, and things that we travel the distance to now. We will be closer to James' school, church, friends, babysitters (!), and family.
There is much more! First, the apartment we are moving to has 3 bedrooms - which means we will have a study/guest room again - thank you jesus! And I can craft in there and maybe even leave my sewing machine out for longer than naptime. Next, James has started his own business, allied complete home and building repair through which he can work his multi-faceted magic and help pay our bills. He also got a massive scholarship to go to school full time, so his focus will be shifting back for a while (which will be good - he deserves a physical break). Also, I have applied for a Masters program. When the pieces all fall together I'll write more about it, but I'm VERY excited for it (and I may even start this fall - meaning next month!). Sigh. busy times, good times, healthy times, I can't wait!

2009-07-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

I miscarried today. yup. it sucks.
the most difficult part of it to process is that both james and i seemed to know we wouldn't be meeting this baby, kinda from the beginning. and, even though i had been spotting on and off for the last 2 weeks, there had been no signs of it becoming this bad. yet, all day today, i had a feeling i would miscarry today. no extra spotting - in fact, no spotting at all for 2 1/2 days. i just woke up and thought, if it's going to happen, it will happen today - and it did. at 515pm. i saw it, james saw it, we are 100% sure. sheesh.
we are thinking we might bury it after hazel is asleep this evening. we may or may not start trying for another baby sooner than later. it takes a while to process, and every month i'm not pregnant, i start thinking what's wrong with me that this doesn't happen, and when i am pregnant, i am fearful of this.
i have been pregnant 3 times and have one child to show for it.
sheesh.

Life Just Got a Bit More Complicated....

2009-07-14T08:33:00.001-07:00

.... we're having another baby join the colver clan sometime around the end of march 2010 <3

it's good, we're excited. this baby was mostly planned {meaning, we wanted to get pregnant, and weren't doing anything to avoid getting pregnant, but also knowing it would take a leap of faith and a lot of reworking out living space we weren't sure we were ready for}. there are some really great things happening for us now, too. not the least of which is that, since the state considers us low income, we get out WIC checks doubled, and all my prenatal health care is provided free of charge with my same doctor {whom i adore}. a little close to miraculous :)

so, even though it's SO early {i'm approx. 5 weeks along as i type this}, i have completed my research and declared the minimum/maximum necessities for the new little one and the family to be comfortable and ready. here they are in no particular order:

stokke trip trap high chair. we have one of these for hazel already, and it grows with the child from infant to adult while always being able to comfortable sit at the table with the whole family {no tray inbetween family and child}. yes, it does mean more mess on the floor, but the chair is wooden with no fabric, so we often take it outside to hose off, wipe it down with clorox wipes, or plop it in the shower to clean - in our opinion, much easier than washing fabric seating pads that look gnarly after 4 washes!

this it the joovy tandem stroller that is great for parents with infants and an older toddler. the front seat holds more than 5 different brands of infant carseats for early infancy, and the back has both a seat with a harness, and a standing platform with comfortable handles for your older toddler to use when they're tired of walking {or get put in a time-out for running away from you!}. it's ultra light, shorter than the average double stroller, under $200, and folds down almost as compactly as an umbrella stroller.

when hazel was almost through using bottles, the BPA studies came out, and the only gladd bottles you could find anywhere were the born free ones that were $17 PER BOTTLE! excuse me? way to make healthy living accessible, right? but now, there are numerous brands offering glass options, and these are the munchkin ones - that come with these adorable silicone sleeves to keep them from breaking when dropped from a stroller {or tired mommies fingers in the middle of the night}. did i mention we bouthe 3 born free bottles for hazel and she let one slip from her stroller at a coffee shop {full of fresh steamed milk} and it shattered, covering the floor with tiny, lethal shards of glass and a full 10 ounces of warm, sticky milk. these munchkin glass bottles will save mommies the embarassment of asking for a mop while their kid is screaming for more milk and every other hip seattle coffee shop customer looks on like you're a psycho mom who doesn't know how to control her kid!

g diapers are awesome. especially because you can use their disposable inserts OR cloth diapers. the inserts are a small fortune, but the covers are super nice - breathable, good coverage, fairly leak proof, and did i mention adorable? we weren't able to use cloth diapers for hazel since she would get a nasty fire engine red rash within minutes of wearing one. hopefully new baby will tolerate enviromentally friendly options a little better then big sister :)

and, of course, we will need another bed. the crib hazel used is convertible, and she's using it as a toddler bed right now. so we will get her a seperate toddler bed and use the crib for the baby. the kiddos will be sharing a room, so space wise, this is the best option, until the baby is ready to start using a bed {hazel will probally be around age 5, baby around 2ish}, and we'll do twin bunk beds with hazel on top of course :)

other then those things, we will need a few clothes, hand-me-downs from friends, consignment shops, etc. it's nice to be able to do this and not lose a fortune. wish us luck!

total rant {ignore if you love your siblings}

2009-07-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

my sister is 3 years younger than i am, and she's bipolar. i understand very well that this is a chemical imbalance and she needs meds to keep her balanced and healthy, and the typical case {which also happens to be hers} is when the patient feels good, they no longer feel the need for meds, so they stop taking them, and the imbalance takes over - often causing them to lose their job, not be able to get a new job, they struggle with money {overspend what they don't have and not understand that there isn't any left to spend anyhow} and generally are so damn rude they alienate themselves from anyone or anything that loves them and are all alone and depressed in a vicious unemployeed fund-less cycle that leaves everyone in shambles until somehow - without job or money or insurance, the patient can get back on their meds and start the healthy cycle again.

like i said, my sister is 3 years younger than me, and she is just my sister - i am not her parent, so there is not a whole lot i can do. she was also a middle child, and we weren't too close growing up - though i did regularly defend her bad judgments and blame others for her "responsive" behaviors, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt i probably shouldn't have - so now that she's at the end of a mean, nasty cycle, i should be happy things will start to look up, right?

but this one was so bad! she spent the last 2 years stealing from and getting fired from 3 jobs {good jobs}, living with a guy who no one knew and not letting anyone get to know him so that she could continuously say the family didn't like him and oh, aren't we the judgers? she may even have married him, though no one really knows because, did i mention before that my sister is a total compulsive lier!? {most recently, she is moaning all over facebook that she got such a bad sunburn because she didn't put on sunscreen she was allergic to - how interesting that she never was allergic to a damn thing before, but now she can pump her skin chokfull of tatoo ink, her face covered in non-natural make-up, and her strawberry red hair has been 14 different chemically induced colors in the last 5 months, not to mention coated with product 1000x worse for your body than anything in good old spf 50 on a daily basis, but who am i to judge? maybe she's suddenly become allergic to sunscreen this week....}

in this apartment she lived in with her "husband" who at the very least emotionally abused her {oh, and on at least one occasion threw rocks at her new, not fully paid for car when he was ass drunk}, she let who even knows how many other people live in non-leased, and ruined the carpet, didn't get any deposit money help, barely ever got rent from, didn't help with move out cleaning, and whatever else. all the while, who footed the bill, not my sister that's for damn sure.

now, as recently as this month, her lease ended and she moved back in with my 20 yo brother and my parents. she has started a new job which is good, right? but she seems to think that it's okay to treat our parents like landlords or packmules or bed and breakfast staffers without PAYING A GODDAMNED DIME FOR ANY OF IT! everyone in that house has to tiptoe around her for fear of "waking the bipolar beast" she is, and just take it from her. let me tell you a little about today....

today was a holiday. the whole family was off of work, and my brother asked my husband to go car shopping with him, so my daughter and i went with him to my parents house and we stayed the day visiting and being friendly with grandma and grandpa and maybe auntie, too {note: auntie is consistant at complaining that we never tell her when we are going to visit so that she never gets time to bond with her niece, and isn't it so sad when said niece runs and hugs uncle around the knees, but doesn't know what to do when auntie comes in the room? totally said niece's mom's fault, right? take it for the team mom...}. where is auntie. in her den. on facebook. writing and posting all kinds of nasty crap about how this house is killing her, and she needs to get out of it, and people here are so anti-her. does she climb out of her den at all? um, for a total of 15 minutes to eat a little food alone in the kitchen when we were there 8 hours.

i'm so seriously over this. i know i might regret this later, but i just want to be done with her. she hurts me everytime i try to be open. i really am one of the least judgy people {though this ran't doesn't proove that at all} and i want to be a support to her, but not a crutch. she abuses everything that is positive in her path and i am over it. i am so sad for my parents, that they have to take this from her. they're in a position they can't maneuver out of because of loving concern for their child, but man, i do not envy them one bit.

Random Assortment.....

2009-06-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hi there, it's been a crazy couple of weeks - with a few more coming. Origionally, I thought that I would be so thrilled when May was over, thinking that June would be a much more mellow start to a lazy summer. Inaccurate to say the least. A month has never been so full!

Tomorrow, we have 3 {yes, that's correct three!} birthday parties to go to. And to make matters slightly more difficult, James has a massive sidejob to do and H and I will be partying alone. yikes!

However, these pictures share with you all the silver lining that comes with those parties tomorrow.

I love - repeat, LOVE wrapping presents. There is something quite theraputic to me, when the finding, choosing, and purchasing of a gift for someone can be stressful, wrapping it ever so specifically for the special someone is relaxing for me. Thank Jesus for this opportunity to relax during the month of June!

And, the first party is a princess dress up party, and H is completely excited. She picked out this dress at Target especially for the party { way to go H - it was mom's personal favorite, and the least expensive!}

Next week, we are going to visit family in CA {I know, in june - are we crazy?!} for 5 days, then it will be on to the finishing touches for H's 2nd birthday. Wow....

More coming, hopefully sooner than later!

The Coolest Cheap Home Improvement Project EVER

2009-05-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

So this lady drew her own wallpaper. I cann't believe how cool this is (and that I've never thought of it myself!) It's so fantastic, I'm lurking all around my condo trying to find a place I could give it a try. Needless to say, I WILL be trying this in whatever house we eventually move into. See her amazing pics here.

Chocolate

2009-05-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

I've determined that my problem is not sugar in itself - it's chocolate. I, quite simply, cannot function without it.
I have tried staying home for entire days with my child, and if the chocolate bus starts buzzing - satisfying it with greek yogurt and honey, or a popsicle, or whatever else kind of sweet is in the house. But by the end of the day, I'm like a crack addict without her crack and I'm spending the whole late afternoon/evening trying to come up with an excuse to go to the store and get some.
Many days, that there is no chocolate to eat is a good enough excuse.
So, here's what I'm thinking. Keep chocolate in the house. Sounds easy and terrifying, right? What if I do it this way....
I jones for my fix especially during H's naptime and in the evening after she's asleep. So, what if I allow myself a bit (no really, a bit - I can't honestly allow myself a whole # each time, can I?!) at both of those times. I can buy a bar (or whatever) a day, and split it between those two times with a gigantic glass of water. What do you all think? Can I make it work, appreciate the tiny indulgence to prevent the monster addictive binges? Thoughts?

new blog

2009-05-12T21:56:00.001-07:00

I spent the whole day today putting together a new blog for a project I do for my church. If you're curious, you are more than welcome to check it out at:

faithfulthoughtsforparentsoftots.blogspot.com

thanks ;)

So Proud!

2009-05-06T22:47:00.001-07:00

I just made this crayon roll for H! I'm not a seamstress {yet!} but thanks to soulemama and her book The_Creative_Family I was able to trust myself in making this simple yet fabulous piece!

what a day

2009-05-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

Well, since I've been up since 5:55 this morning, still haven't had any coffee, my toddler keeps yelling nonsense at me while banging on the piano, and it's pouring outside, I thought I'd share my 2 new favorite items with you. I've only seen these pictures, not the fabulous items in person, but they calm me regardless. The top is a pillow from anthropologie and the next is a quilt some wonderful person made. Don't they make you want to snuggle up with them and ignore anything other then their georgousness?

me, too.

it's like New Post night!

2009-05-05T22:16:00.001-07:00

This evening I've been reading a bunch of back-blogs by this woman Anna_Marie_Horner. She sounds so cool! She's a mother of 5 (with #6 due this week) and she is an awesome fabric designer { see her cool stuff here}. Anyway, going through her last 3 months of posts, I was inspired to pull out my fabric bag and do this:So it's not magic or anything, just reminding my boring living room that I love patterns and color. I've been playing around with the idea of making new covers for some of the throw pillows (I know it's easy to buy new pillows, but I just need to honor James' hard work by sticking to a budget - plus, it's dentist time for me again, and I'll need the $). So anyhow, here's one way to visually remind myself who I am, and what I appreciate :)

2009-05-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

These are wee wonderful dolls, a downloadable PDF pattern you can purchase for $15 here . They are so freaking adorable, and I really really want to get the patterns and make some for H. The file includes patterns for 3 different dolls, 4 outfits for them, and a pair of shoes. You can make them however you want - with the same eye and hair color of their little owners, with adorable dresses you'd wear yourself (if you had a 6" waist). I think they're great. You can see different ones people have made here.

Reusing What We Have Already

2009-05-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

With James being the manager of our condo complex, he is often putting up postings in entryways for the other residents to read. When we asked the board if we could take the old updates and print the new updates on the backside, they decided they'd rather have new crisp sheets of paper each time. Well, I guess that's for a professional aesthetic, so instead we buy the 80-100% recycled printer paper when we can.
But, yesterday, when H and I were taking down old updates I thought, this is still a lot of paper (27 entryways with 3 sheets of paper each!) - waht can I do with this? So, I created these " coloring books" for H! They're not the cutest but they will get better since this was the first attempt. I either folded the paper so the printed on side was hidden, or taped 2 pages printed side together. Then, I stapled them into books and "bound" them with electrical tape (it was what I had on hand).
H is only 22 months, so they'll get scribbled on, torn, and virtually end up in the recycle bin, but at least I don't have to buy coloring pages for a while!

See, she's already enjoying them!

Poor Hazel

2009-05-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight, James put her to bed, and she was not into it. 20 minutes later she was still screaming, so I went in to see if she was alright. She had somehow managed to turn out her nightlight, so it was completely dark in there! Then by the time I got the light back in place, I sat down next to her and (perfect timing) she started vomitting :( Poor thing had cried herself sick! Luckily, I caught what was about to happen, and I caught and contained all the mess. So after a quick and quiet jammie change, we snuggled and read a few books to calm her back down.

Now, I'm in the living room, listening to her cry mommy, mommy... it's so hard! But the cries are getting more mellow and the moans are getting groggy, so hopefully she's nearing the end.

Watching your little one grow up on you is as equally moving as it is heart wrenching. I want her to need me, and so it's so easy to declare, 'her cries are because she needs her mommy!' but really, she's old enough now that she can attempt mini-manipulation {since mommy came last time I cried myself sick, let's see if she'll come back}. I have to allow her to grow up and teach herself to fall asleep without my presence. I'd say in general I've been pretty okay with her growing older - it sure is great she can use so many words to talk to me now, and she understands consequences, can help me with little chores, plays hilarious games with me, and just this week, she started asking me to play guitar for her while she sings and plays at the piano - it fills me up overflowing!
But I also long for the days when I could snuggle with her for hours - when she was little and completely content with me meeting her every need. Now she says, 'mommy, no hand' when I want to hold her hand walking through the park. Or, 'no buckle' when she wants to snap herself into her highchair/stroller/carseat (which I check, of course!).
Ahh.... she's quiet now. Thank you God for the gifts of life and love (and peaceful evenings!).

Toddler Bed Night #2

2009-05-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

WOAH!!

H cried 5 minutes and crawled her rump back into bed, snuggled into her pillow, and fell asleep!

What a big girl!!

I think I might cry.....

Toddler Bed

2009-04-30T18:30:00.001-07:00

Today, after a couple of conversations with different friends, we decided to convert H's crib into a toddler bed. Boo-hoo! But, as you can see, she already loves it - she's been snuggling in it all afternoon and LOVES that she can get in and out all by herself!

Our plan is to put the baby gate that used to keep H out of our room so that Cats could have a toddler-free space, in front of her door so she can't come out. I'll let you all know how it works out!

I {heart} Consignment!

2009-04-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

Today, H and I met a friend and her daughter in Issaquah for a fun filled errand running playdate. We met at the local SAHM Headquarters (aka Starbucks) and wandered over to the neighboring kids consignment shop - Me n' Moms. First important thing: Me n'Moms has a new owner - and so far she's fabulous! She has begun rearranging the shop, and the first thing she's done is get same sized long racks for the clothes, and organize them into a girls section and boys section and in order of size. Thank God! Now, when you browse, you can see over the tops of all the racks to find your running kiddo (or under the racks - there are now no toys stored beneath the clothes, so you can see your pint-sized shopping partner that way, too!). As I was chatting with the new owner, she said they were going to do more - putting the used toys all together in a section you could see from the whole shop and kids could play in, painting, getting in cool new things (like the whole entire See Kai Run line!) and adding community activities (storytimes, mom's night out with free wine and cheese, and baby wearing classes for a start!). She is renaming the store Small Threads (super cute!) and there will be a website and everything. As you can tell, I am really excited. She seems super cool, and (though I don't yet know her name) I think we might become friends :)

Anyhow - so during our time there, I found some sweet things for H. My friend, Kari, always wonders how I find H's cute stuff (Kari's baby Sonja loves the hand-me-overs!) and this is how - browse until my eyeballs fall out or H throws a tantrum! lol

Here's what we got - totalling under $20!

These are so cute! The top is hand embroidered and has no label. The shorts are OshKosh (and I saw them in the store literally last week full price) and the shoes, and a european brand!

My friend Ruth, who was with me, so knows my style. She saw this skirt and pulled it for me. Trendy red, brown, and turquise - yummy!
This one, too, is handmade by someone's grandma - hilariously adorable, almost inappropriately old print, but I thought I might die if I didn't get it for her!
We also picked up some Old Navy flower embroidered jeans in 3T size for next year. Yeah! And like I said earlier, all 6 items totalled under $20! Go Small Threads Consignment!

job continued.....

2009-04-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

last night, before i went to sleep, i talked with a friend about this potential job. he said i shouldn't make a decision until i had slept on it - see what i would dream about and if it kept me up thinking. but i pretty much had made up my mind to leave the job be, and not go for it, so i didn't sit up all night, and i slept dreamlessly well.

today, however, i spoke about the job at length with multiple people, and my mind went yes and no and yes and no and wait and no and yes and wait. what was that?

and it hit me (thanks to a lunch friend, and an evening friend) - i am forcing what is in front of me and within reach to fit my needs, not offering my call where it might best fit.

my mind is racing about how foolish i have been running around, asking questions, choosing my own destiny, and not stopping to pray about any of it - only going going going..... and this evening james and i sat, talked and prayed it through, and it hit me. this call that i've been trying to push aside the last 2 years, that i've been avoiding by filling the space with desires like more babies, getting james through school unscathed, settling in at a new church, this call that i so desperately long for and loathe is not willing to wait for me to be ready any longer. my call wants to be made clear and known and acknowledged, and i am completely unwilling to let it in.
i know this because i cried.
i cried the tears i have cried in the past when i know god is working in and on me and it hurts because i have built the walls up so firm and tough to keep god out yet it's so easy for god to crumble them down. i cried the ridiculous and gasping wails of a baby w ho doesn't know when she will be fed - she only knows she's hungry and can't control circumstances keeping that food from her. i sobbed knowing that i could no longer keep god carefully and convieniently at arms length in a safely labeled cubby, and that i would have to start caring again.
i loved being able to say no and pick up a book or watch a trashy reality tv show - i loved letting the caring be left to someone else, only talking theology like it was politics, and feeding my mind with theories, leaving my heart to starve. it was/is simple that way. but i cried, because i know it can be no longer.

because i've been keeping myself from acknowledging my call, i still can't yet say what it is in entirety. but it involves a few things for sure:

* a need to participate (actively and in planning/facilitating) in adult education/faith formation in my church instead of children and family programs (which i've never been fond of, and think i just fell into at HSLC because i have a child and family)
* more education. likely a Master of Arts in Transforming Spirituality from Seattle U

i have sharp feelings about these things for many reasons (probably a good factor in why i have been avoiding call), many are reasons i feel i'm not ready, many involve the people that count on me to be in the places i am now, and many are because i don't want to go to Seattle U.

but, tonight, i can't sleep, and i think about my friend saying, if you're up at night thinking of things that are exciting you then they are worth the thoughts. now if only i could recognize what parts are exciting, and what others are just pieces i'm trying to fit where i feel they belong.....

gosh, such a ramble...... hopefully i'll get more clear (in my writing and in my thoughts!) as this journey rolls onward!

job.....

2009-04-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

so, a dear friend just suggested i apply for the youth director position at our church.
for those of you who know me, what do you think? the church is a progressive community {the reason we choose to go there} and i'm not exactly {or really at all} a "typical" youth director.... however, my friend had some good reason for me to apply.
i've started this ministry at church called spirited.home that lends itself to multiple situations as a discussion starter. i could do some really cool things with youth - i've always been someone that "youth" are attracted to and willing to talk with. i dunno........ i have to read the job description....... more later!

Housewives.....

2009-04-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

has anyone other then me noticed that there are all these shows with "housewives" and none of them are actually housewives?!?!? the most humorous part, in my opinion, is that ABC's "desperate housewives" is the ONLY ONE! {disclaimer: it is also one of my FAVORITE shows so.....} bravo network has a long list of "real housewives" reality shows {which i admit, i also watch almost as religiously} orange county, new york, atlanta, and next new jersey - and i have yet to see an actual housewife! every single one of these ladies has some kind of work - and even those who can work from home (jewelry designer, author, skin care line creator, whatever else) they all have help! people-what does it mean to be a housewife to you? i would never really believe these examples!

before:after

2009-04-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

yesterday: sicko kiddo with elmo

today: pushing a colored pencil, mcdonalds toy, and banana rounds all around the house!

wouldn't it be nice if we could be as swiftly rehabilitated?!

sick-o's

2009-04-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

last night we had a couple of sick-o's up in here :(

james has had a flubug for a few days {and actually stayed home from class this morning for the first time EVER!} and H has had a crusty/drippy nose for the weekend. last night, H went down for bed fairly normal around 745ish, but then just before james and i were to hit the sack she started scream-crying. now, normally, if she wakes up and crys or moans, we leave her be and she puts herself back to sleep within a couple of minutes.... like i mentioned before, last night they were scream-cries. so, like any good parent who thinks their child is dying or close to fatally injured when they hear that noise, we went in.

she was REALLY upset, and crying like i've never seen before, so since it was midnight and we live in a condo with {very} close neighbors, i let sick-o james go to bed and i took H out to the dark living room and snuggled on the couch with her watching an elmo episode.

however, H did not reallly settle down - she was still moaning and generally sounding really hurt - i tried giving her some warm milk, whatever. then, she puked - really puked, all over herself, the couch, the toss pillows, whatever. poor sick-o kiddo :( no wonder! after cleaning her all up, i took her to the chair in her room and started to read her a story, but she was out 30 seconds after we opened the book. mommie got to go to her own bed around 230am and H didn't wake up this morning til 9.

today is looking a little better, H's watching yo gabba gabba and playing with some toy cars {ooh, as i write this she's finally drinking a little watered down juice!}. wish us luck today - it's BEAUTIFUL outside, and i'm not sure we're gonna make it out the door!

blogs....

2009-04-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

i must admit - i've been really loving reading all these blogs recently! My favorites are here, here, here, and here. i am inspired to write about ALL things now, the wonderful meals i prepare, the crafts i attempt, the parenting trials and joys, favorite links - and pictures....... these ladies feed my hungry eyes with georgous photos of any and everything. i LOVE it!

So, let's start with this AMAZING dish i made friday night for dinner. i recently got this cookbook, real food for healthy kids and it's really good (in my opinion, much better then it seems!). the dish i made was the chicken cherries jubilee with goat cheese - yummy! even H enjoyed it (she's been in a major toddler eatting stage where she doesn't eat..... she just likes to drink). here's a basic rundown of what it was:

4 chicken breasts, sliced horizontally and stuffed with 1 oz goat cheese per breast. season with salt, pepper, and sprinkly each breast with 1 tbs flour. saute in olive or grapeseed oil about 6 min each side and remove from pan. saute 1 finely chopped shallot for about 1 min in same pan used for chicken. add 1 cup chicken stock, and 1 lb dark cherries with their juice (i used frozen ones i thawed in the microwave and the "juice"). season to taste and boil til reduced by half. you pour the sauce over the chicken, and whalaa - DELICIOUSNESS in 20 minutes or so! we served it with steamed sugar snaps, and i might add some brown rice next time. i wish i had taken a picture for ya'll - it was worthy. this will be what i make for whomever is our next dinner guest!

on the crafting front, i am a little frusterated because i have begun this beautiful tunic apron TWICE now, needing to pull it all out and start all over again! the first time, i had too few stitches, the second time, too many - so this next time, i will not forget stitch markers - however annoying they might be, they WILL stay in place the WHOLE PIECE! errr....... but i think it will be worth the trouble in the end, it's pretty isn't it?!

in the meantime, i want to finish a pretty and perfect square for H's quilt before i attempt to cast the apron again...... here's what i've got so far...........

and finally, since easter was last week, and there was no sunday school, our ITSS met for "easter" this morning. i had made an "alleluia box" before lent with notecards i had written "ALLELUIA!" on. the point was that during lent, we choose not to speak or sing that word so when the joy of easter arrives, we can savor it and shout it (with excitement similar to tasting chocolate or caffeine for the first time in 45 days!) well, since today was the first ITSS after easter, the kiddos were able to open the box and here's what they found:

each kid was able to take 1 set home (sorry moms and dads!) and the rest will stay in the classroom to be used whenever we sing our alleluia songs :)

well now. here's what (hopefully) my blog will be. i have enjoyed posting this evening - hope you enjoyed hearing what i'm up to!

tattoos.....

2009-03-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

I've been long thinking about my next tattoos. I have one, I got it really soon after my 18th birthday. I don't regret it, it's nice, but I have spent almost 10 years (yikes!) thinking about my next one. Tattoos are permanent people. That means FOREVER! I don't want to look at something on my 90 year old body and think, "yeah, about that decision.....oops!" So, here's what

I've been thinking of.....

I have wanted Luther's Rose for a long long time. I have just been spending this time trying to determine where I want it placed. I think I've decided that I want it on my inner arm, just under my left elbow crease. But, I can't decide if I want it in color or black and white. You see, I don't usually like too much color, and the colors in the rose aren't my personal style, but they have meaning in the description of the seal. So.....

Then there is this one, the simple yet powerful words of God, that I would like small (to keep it as a personal reminder) right on the inside of my right wrist, so that when I turn my hand up, it can be read by me.*

*sorry for the tacky pic. it's hard to find exactly what I want here.....

And then, as usual, there are always other great images that I would like to see as a tattoo, but I am not as invested in the meaning behind them. Maybe I should ask for one of these for mother's day.......

Lenten Discipline

2009-03-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

The forty-day season of Lent derives its name from the Latin word for “lengthen.” During Lent, the days grow longer as the world prepares to reawaken into spring. Lent recalls the forty days and forty nights Noah and his family spent on the ark, the forty years of Israel’s wandering in the wilderness, and the forty days of prayer and fasting that Jesus spent in the desert. Focused on the Easter promise of new life and renewed faith, Lent invites us to look honestly at ourselves as we seek to be strengthened in the call to be Christ’s disciples.
The Character of Lent as a time of renewed commitment and service suggests many possibilities for families. My family has agreed to this commitment:

We (or rather I, since I am this family's chef and personal grocery shopper) have chosen to "use what we have and buy what we need." Now, to translate this it means that our refrigerator, freezer, and pantry holds only items we intend to use, and anything else we buy to eat must be intentional and with purpose. I often go shopping with a list, and I get everything on that list (plus more, obviously, when has there ever been a SAHM who actually isn't hungry while grocery shopping?!), but my list usually consists of things my family is craving, with some essentials in the mix. The day I go shopping, everyone is happy with what's in the cupboards. The next day, oatmeal doesn't sound good for breakfast and there is no cereal. Or, yogurt with dried fruit sounded like it could never go wrong, but that Greek yogurt parfait at Starbucks sounds so much better - you know, with the honey and macaroon granola, dried cherries, and pumpkin seeds. So, I go to the store (because it's so much cheaper to buy the ingredients myself and make it, right?) and buy dried cherries, Greek yogurt, honey, granola, and pumpkin seeds, and after a serving or two, I forget these ingredients are even in the cupboard, and they sit and sit, wasting away.

So what am I trying to do differently now during this Lenten Season? Well, I won't go grocery shopping. Instead, I have inventoried my cupboards and freezer, and sat down with my list and my favorite cookbook, "More-With-Less - suggestions by Mennonites on how to eat better and consume less of the world's limited food resources" and find recipes I already have a majority of the ingredients for. Then, I go to the grocery store and purchase the two or three things I need to complete the dish, and go for it. We have been having some interesting combinations for meals - Peruvian pepper chicken with Thai rice, garlic naan, and Caesar salad for example, but who does it hurt? We are trying to feel the possibilities of being blessed with using little and giving more. Our family survives on a $300 monthly food budget with a WIC check for some added basics (most of Hazel's milk, cheese, eggs, juice, and a bit more). Usually, we are "white rice-ing it up" come the end of the month, but during Lent, we are dropping it to $200 - giving the extra $100 away, and learning how to be comfortable with plenty instead of cozy in abundance.

thinking.....

2009-01-12T00:08:00.001-08:00

i've been doing a lot of thinking recently about my life and where it's been, where it's going. especially since james is turning 30 in a few months, i am feeling like there is a clock ticking away close by that should be telling me something, but i just can't figure out what it is. i am happy. i am lucky to be loved, cared for, appreciated.... i am lucky to be a SAHM with hazel, and to have friends who also can SAH to have playdates with us. i am lucky my husband and i communicate well and try to make decisions together. i am happy with our choices, though they may sometimes frusterate me, i believe in them and support them. i don't know what's missing.

maybe someday i will go back to school. maybe someday i will have more children. maybe someday i will be back in a place where i can paint my bedroom walls every 3 months if i so choose. but i don't want any of those now - they wouldn't feel right - so what's this clock ticking about?

i get frusterated because my days go equally by slowly and too fast. i get frusterated because no matter how much time i spend playing with hazel, i want to read more and no matter how much time i read i want to play with her more. i feel like i neglect my cats. i feel like i don't appreciate myself enough to care about my person. i am disappointed that i don't enjoy cooking as much as i used to because it's too time comsuming and toddlers aren't fun for me in the kitchen.

i don't know what it is that is trying to work its way out for me. i'm feeling unsatiable - satisfied with life the way it is, but maybe it's missing a trivial but major ingredient, like salt......

response to the question of morals - american and christian, alike...?

2008-11-05T20:42:00.001-08:00

I believe that Jesus works from the least of us on upwards. And when I think of real, honest, biblical christian values, I believe that Jesus was a community organizer who asks us to participate in helping the poor, oppressed, huIrting, friendless, and aching before we look to helping ourselves. I believe that Barack Obama and the democratic party holds these biblical basic christian values more closely, and more truely, than they understand. Regardless to my religious values, I also know that Barack Obama is a constitutional lawyer, meaning his speialty is in upholding our origional American rights, and I believe that in office, he will restore the truth and value to our rights to have a voice, to freedom of speech, to honest informity, and to religious freedoms. I also believe that in our global community, Christ calls us to a ministry of peace and non-violent justice, and under the presidency of President Obama, we will have more opportunity to work with the wider global community to restore and create peace in regions where God's children are being tortured and persecuted.When you read our American Constitution, you read that justice, freedom, and rights to be individuals are the reasons our forefathers came searching for a new land to call home. When you look at our basic human instincts to love and be loved, you can see why the constitution was written to include values such as these. When you try to connect religion to the values of American justice, you de-value the power and majesty of God, who was the sole reason America was founded - these people wanted the right to be free and holy people, able to worship and praise outside of nationalized catholicism. In this new age of Obama, I feel that as a christian american, I now can find the hope in sharing God in a healthy way again, by Loving, not judging. By supporting, not condemning. By reading scripture and remembering all the examples CHrist has given me to share that love. Obama will attempt to renew a care and concern for the planet God gave us. Obama will attempt to create an opportunity for the least and most needing americans to be cared for health wise. Obama will attempt to restore the dignity of people who are losing their homes due to mortgage fraud. Obama will attempt to restore pride and faith in government by fixing the damage done that has enabled the middle class to fall farther and deeper into poverty. I believe that Christ proved time and time again that judgement belongs to God, and God alone. I am proud to be an american under this presidency because I feel that finally, for the first time in my adult life, I will be able to share my faith in God in a way that will show non-judgement because my American nationality will no longer negate my intentions in the global community.

I Don't Mind....

2008-10-31T22:54:00.001-07:00

... when people have different opinions than mine. I am inspired by free thinking, relavent people who have done the adequate research and concluded their process at a different location than me. What i DO mind is punk ass idiots who get illigitimate internet forwards about sensitive issues, and blindly forward the crassly noninformative propoganda to others. It undermines those with appropriately gained opinions, captivates those who are unwilling to be intentionally informed, and, ultimately, puts the sender/forwarder in the most unflattering light to all those whom, at one time or another, respected them.
With 4 days left until the 08 election, if you are going to vote, you should have your mind decided by now. If so, trust your own decisive opinions, and if you don't, please, PLEASE, don't let the spam-crap about either side plant any chance of change in your mind. Research for yourself what you are trying to stand for with your opportunity to vote. Read EVERYTHING you can find (with a valid source), right AND left regardless, to determine for YOURSELF what you find valuable.